ROB KRIDER

I’m not allowed to go to the grocery store. Seriously. I mean, there isn’t a local city ordinance against it. I won’t be arrested by the police the moment I walk out of the store holding a bag filled with pretzels and chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. I’m not on an FBI watch list […]

The other day my son celebrated his 14th birthday. Besides the requisite presents and birthday cake, it also meant my wife reminisced about the day she gave birth to our oldest child. This isn’t good for me. You see, apparently, as the story goes, I wasn’t exactly the most supportive husband on the “toughest day […]

\ Two weeks ago, at precisely 7:41 p.m., my son suddenly hit the age where he has one thing and one thing only on his mind: girls. The day before, it was video games. Now it’s girls, girls, girls. Of course, he doesn’t exactly understand these girls yet (not that any man really ever does). […]

Like it or not, if you’re a mom, it is your automatically assigned duty to become the household doctor when anyone in the house gets sick. When the car breaks down, call Dad. When a kid projectile vomits, that’s Mom’s problem. In most cases, moms aren’t actual doctors, and therefore they have never received any […]

It was a dark time at my house recently. Our dishwasher committed suicide, choosing death over the thought of having to try to wash another dish my wife refused to rinse before jamming it into its belly. After some time fighting over who was going to hand wash the dishes every night, we finally had […]

One of my favorite holidays of the year is Thanksgiving. I love it for the obvious reasons: a day off of work, an excuse to eat tons of food, and the chance to hit children. I’m referring to my once a year opportunity to go outside with the nieces and nephews and play the role […]

There is this guy I work with I would consider “a man’s man.” He’s big, he’s tough, he smells, he has no fashion sense whatsoever, and he carries a knife with him at all times. There isn’t a hint of metrosexualism within 50 yards of this guy. His arms are as big as my legs, […]

My wife and I celebrated another anniversary recently. Well, I should say she celebrated it. I panicked and freaked out because I forgot to buy my wife something nice to “prove” to her that I love her. It’s not that I don’t love her enough to think ahead and get her something great, it’s just […]

My son is 13 years old, which means he already knows absolutely everything, except how to clear up acne. Sometimes I look at him in bewilderment and wonder, “Could you really have come from my loins?”—although, deep down, I know that he is definitely my son. I don’t know this because he and I share […]

I woke up the other day, rolled my lazy butt out of bed, and looked at myself in the mirror. Whoa! I should come with a warning label. In the mirror was a total stranger, a totally fat stranger. It was as if my brain had been transplanted to some older, fat guy’s body who […]