Like most of America’s youth, my kids are incredibly greedy. They have high-end technical wants in life that cost high-end technical dollars. Last time I checked you can’t get an iPod as a prize in a box of Captain Crunch Berries (although that day may come before I’m six feet deep). My kids like i-anything: […]
Around this portion of year, people waste time blowing smoke up their own butts about New Year’s resolutions they will never complete. People join a new gym they will never go to. They tell their friends they are going to work out and lose weight, but then they will spend the next 365 days sucking […]
There has been some confusion at my house regarding these things people call closets. Rumor has it that these little windowless rooms are for storing things like clean clothes. We don’t subscribe to that voodoo hedonistic nonsense. At our house, we openly display all of our clothing on the couch. A couch is a place […]
The human race has males, and it has men. Not all males are considered “men” until they prove they have certain characteristics that make them manly. Males must perfect a certain skill set in order to own the ultimate title of “a man’s man.” During a male’s life, as he grows up from boyhood, he […]
If a man is standing in a forest more than 250 miles away from the nearest woman and a tree falls, is he still wrong? The first time I heard this question, I thought it was lightly humorous, just as it was meant to be. However, the longer I’ve been married and the more I […]
Back in high school, in my “glory days,” I played football. I didn’t do this because I particularly liked the game. I did it for one simple 16-year-old boy reason: Girls didn’t like soccer players. I spent my whole childhood playing soccer, kicking a ball around a grassy field, feeling free-spirited and somewhat European. I […]
When I was a kid, freedom was a four-letter word: bike. I rode my bicycle everywhere and anywhere. The only rule at my house was “be home before dark.” Other than that, I was on my own to explore neighborhoods, buy Slurpees, or get run over by trucks. I learned a lot about life riding […]
What is it about juvenile amateur sporting events that makes parents lose their minds, as if their 6-year-old daughter’s soccer game was the final match in the World Cup? Parents scream from sidelines, curse at underpaid or volunteer referees, and throw chairs into playing fields, all because their little Jimmy was called off sides. I’m […]
With lyrics from the Katy Perry song “California Girls” plastered on the side of her soap box derby car, Ellen Blackwell shows the boys on the West Coast who’s fast on the track. Blackwell, a 15-year-old sophomore at Righetti High School, has been racing soapbox derby for more than six years. She’s done very well […]
A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine … unless you’re my kid and it’s regarding a school project, which means that I will be instantly thrown into complete and total panic mode. My kids have casually dropped the “project bomb” on me during more than one family dinner. […]
In August, my wife and I decided to take an impromptu trip to Wine Country. When I say “Wine Country,” I am referring to the Napa Valley. I specify this because people who have seen the film Sideways are under the impression that Wine Country is in Buellton. Other folks think that Wine Country is […]
I own a few titles and wear a number of hats around my house. I’m the official household Insect Murderer, Shade Tree Mechanic, and Garbage Disposal Retrieval Expert (and somehow I still have all my fingers). Some hats that I wear I’m very proud of: for instance, Resident Beer Pong Champ, Guitar Hero God, and […]
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