Canary

Santa Barbara County Supervisor Peter Adam sure sounds like he’s itching for a split. I was prepping myself to write about the sure-Santa-Maria-Energy-can-move-its-oil-operations-forward-in-Santa-Barbara-County-but-only-with-its-hands-tied-behind-its-back vote debacle, when in flew an opinion piece from the mustachioed supervisor. He doesn’t come right out and drop the “s” word as a goal of his after the contentious showdown that […]

I don’t want to know how much it would cost to drain all the water out of a person. With the precious liquid sitting at such a premium in some municipalities these days, water-parched community services districts might be tempted to start eyeing their constituents as two-legged aquifers. Think of it as Soylent Clear. It’s […]

Break out the bran. Pour out some prune juice. Find some fiber. We’ve got major case of blockage here, and it’s going to take some serious effort to get it moving. Actually, truth be told, we’ve got a lot of blockages—not just one. I’m in a mood to get things flowing ever since I read […]

The other day, I heard one of my co-workers unsuccessfully trying to spend some cash. A lot of cash. She’s trying to buy a house on the Central Coast, and that’s apparently not an easy task. “I just want someone to take my money!” she shouted to the heavens. “Give me a house, and I’ll […]

Everything I wear has to go with yellow. I have a lot of black in my wardrobe, a lot of white, and a lot of warm colors: reds and oranges. Gray is in right now. I’ve got some bold purple pieces, too, for that striking, complementary-color look. If I’m feeling casual, I dress casual—though feathers […]

I just made it through several weeks of a U.S. federal government shutdown, and boy are my wings tired! No, seriously. They’re exhausted—but not from flying. I’ve been shrugging so much, I’ve got shoulder cramps on top of knotted muscles on top of shoulder cramps. People asked, “When do you think this whole shutdown thing […]

Gov. Jerry Brown recently said, “While Washington waffles on immigration, California’s forging ahead. I’m not waiting.” That galvanized me to action. Before hearing those words, I was sleepily wondering what to do about this crazy country I live in. Afterward, I leapt up and made breakfast. Boy, do I love waffles. I love them more […]

You don’t know this, but I spend weeks working on each of my columns. Months. I brainstorm ideas far in advance of ever pecking anything out on my keyboard. Even the ones that are about something that just happened a few days prior happen this way. Don’t ask how. It just works. This week’s edition, […]

Hey, I’m keeping it brief this week, mostly because I got an e-mail that stated “Good Afternoon, I have a number of potential customers looking for a Document Shredding company in your area. I thought you would make a good fit.” Frankly, I was flattered that they thought of me, so I’m researching the best […]

The headline in the San Francisco Chronicle read: “Rift puts Maldonado campaign in even bigger hole.” It’s not a flattering image. Just picture the former lieutenant governor sitting, forlorn, at the bottom of a pit. Maybe there’s some gravel tumbling down the edges as they widen. He’s looking up with those big, brown eyes of […]

Everybody makes a big deal about the birds and the bees, but I gotta tell you: The two groups don’t mingle all that much. Sure, as animals, we generally both fly, we both tend to make our homes in trees, and we all hum or whistle because we don’t remember the words to most songs, […]

When I was just a little fledgling, I had a bad habit of losing things. I’d leave the nest for school with a lunchbox, scarf, and hat, and I’d come home with an empty thermos, some plastic tubs, and a crumpled wad of papers. “Where’s all your stuff?” my mom would ask. I’d look down […]