ROB KRIDER

The University of California system has decided that my son is some sort of academic genius. He was accepted into both UCLA and UC Berkeley. Yes, I am a proud father, but since I know him so well, I find it a bit odd that the universities think he’s a genius. Sure, on paper, his […]

I wrote an entire book in 40 days. Yes, just 40 days; I thought it was pretty impressive too. It was 130,000 words, super funny (in my opinion anyway), and it had a beginning and an end, resulting in what I assumed was a best seller. The book was titled Cadet Blues, and after 40 […]

After conducting some of my own scientific testing, I have deduced that alcohol is actually not the answer to all of my problems. Upon further studies, I came to the difficult realization that my good friend alcohol really wasn’t the answer to any problem I ever had. Nope, the data doesn’t lie (and unfortunately for […]

My son is at that magical age where he is now looking at colleges. It is a special time for a teenager when he can dream big, imagine his life at a great school, become anything he wants, and possibly change the world for the better. This is a beautiful dream. It’s a positive look […]

I  am a true American. And as a legitimate patriot, I come complete with a gas guzzling SUV, a beer gut, and a belief that consumerism will solve all of the economy’s problems. Did you say people need more jobs? Well, I better do my part and head down to the nearest big-box store and […]

I received a random email from a television producer asking if I was interested in being on a new reality television show about building and racing cars. Being a gearhead and racecar driver, I responded to the email immediately, saying, “YES! Of course! What took you so long?” I was hoping the future television endeavor […]

There is absolutely nothing in the world that gives me greater joy than go-karts. I love the squealing of the little tires, the feeling of wind in my face, and the sound of my front bumper smashing into an unsuspecting competitor’s car. It just doesn’t get any better than that. It’s pure childhood pleasure. Since […]

I  rang in the 2015 New Year with Britney Spears and some urine. No, the two details of my New Year’s celebration were not in any way connected. I don’t think Britney is into that sort of thing (and honestly I’m not either). Britney was simply a part of my New Year’s party because my […]

At my house, there is an official-looking envelope that says “Do Not Open Until December 31st” which rests inside a locked fireproof safe. Inside this mysterious envelope are four different folded scraps of paper with the individual handwritten scribblings of my son, my daughter, my wife, and myself. The envelope is sealed with the family […]

I do dumb stuff. I don’t mean to do these dumb things, but, well, I’m just dumb sometimes. The weird part about how dumb I can be is I don’t consider myself a dumb person. I went to college. In fact, I went to a few of them. I attended one of them long enough […]

I’ve always been afraid of the dentist, just like I’ve always been afraid of great white sharks, tarantulas, and Oprah Winfrey. However, unlike sharks, spiders, and Oprah, who in reality have never harmed me physically (just emotionally), the dentist has actually caused me specific bodily pain. When I was about 14 years old, I needed […]

My wife and I didn’t go to the same high school. Even if we had, we probably never would have met each other. You see, back in high school, my wife and I existed in two very different worlds on campus. My world was ruled by the culture of high school football, Friday night lights, […]