ROB KRIDER

Cavemen didn’t have beer bellies. They didn’t for a couple of reasons: First, beer hadn’t been invented yet, and coincidentally, really bad decisions hadn’t been invented yet either. Second, and more importantly, cavemen didn’t have beer bellies because they chased their food. We all know you can get fat sitting around drinking beer and playing […]

I’m not a very limber person. Most people do toe touches; I can do knee touches. Well, the top part of the knee, if it’s a good day. My back is about as flexible as a piece of steel on a very cold day. To get myself into better shape—preferably any shape other than standing […]

I like to consider myself a high roller. When I cruise up to the scene of an event, I have my lady at my side, my personal driver, and a wad of bills in my pocket. You might be thinking that rolling up in a limo with a pocket full of cash is a bit […]

Working together, my daughter and I used to be a formidable force. Just one year ago, she and I traveled all over the country racing soapbox derby together. I was the crew chief and she was the driver. I maintained her bright pink, gravity-powered racing car, and she drove like her hair was on fire. […]

I have this new problem in my life. It’s a pretty serious matter, one that could potentially get me arrested. This new problem is also something that embarrasses my children (although I personally see that as a glass-half-full situation since embarrassing my kids is the most fun part of being a parent). You see, somewhere […]

I hate cruise lines. I know most people love vacation cruises, but it turns out I’m not most people. Sure, all-you-can-drink booze and all-you-can-eat buffet sounds enticing, but I like to be in direct control of my schedule. I’m not a big fan of being told when I can or cannot eat my soft-serve ice […]

These days, with CGI and other special effects, it’s hard to tell what’s real and what’s fake. A lot of things in society appear to be one thing, but in reality they are something else completely. Take my wife’s breasts for example. They look great, feel great, and cost me a great deal of money.  […]

My whole life, I’ve wanted to own a genuine Chevrolet Corvette. Well, I guess I should clarify that: I don’t actually feel the need to own a Corvette. I just feel the need to drive one every day, really, really fast. If someone else wanted to make the car payment, I would certainly be available […]

I love absolutely every single detail about my beautiful wife—except for two things. There are just two little things that, no matter how hard I try, I just can’t get past them. In fact, if I’m completely open and honest, these two little details really turn me off. Sometimes they can even make me gag […]

Editor’s Note: Mr. Krider is neither a medical doctor nor a licensed marriage counselor. This list is based solely on his minimal qualifications—that he has both an anus and a wife. He has no other scientific proof to back up his claims of how to fart through 17 years of marriage and get away with […]

In early December—while doing my best not to fall off of a rickety ladder as I tried to hang up the Christmas lights—I realized something sort of sad: My kids are teenagers now, which means Santa’s sleigh won’t bother to park on our roof this year to deliver remote control cars or a life-size Barbie. […]