Hey guys, we’re all going to die because of COVID-19—aka, coronavirus. Wait, actually, we’re not all going to die. In fact, most people probably aren’t even going to be affected.
People are just losing their minds over the possibility that even one person in Santa Barbara County might be infected by it because they literally have nothing better to worry about. Apparently, paper towels and toilet paper are key to germ protection and longevity of life, because Santa Maria’s Walmart—yes, Walmart, people!—was nearly out of both on Monday, March 2, according the the Santa Maria Times.
Wow, everyone. It’s not a pandemic you need to be worried about; it looks like panic is the thing that’s infectious … and spreading. Suzanne Grimmesey from the Santa Barbara County Department of Behavioral Wellness told the Times that people should limit their news intake about the coronavirus to help prevent “emotional contagion.” That’s something that I feel comfortable referring to as stupidity, irrational decision-making, following the social media leader, and not being responsible for your intake of information.
Meanwhile, county Public Health Department Public Information Officer Jackie Ruiz and Santa Maria Joint Union High School District spokesperson Kenny Klein were dealing with the fallout from a hoax circulating on social media—yes, that’s where that misinformation virus spreads like a pandemic, people!—saying there were four cases of coronavirus in the county, two of which were supposedly at Santa Maria High School.
Nope. Sorry, toilet paper pinchers. It’s official; there aren’t any cases in the county. Although, I could be wrong. I just get my information from official public health sources. Have you checked your social media feeds lately?
But it is time to get those “social distancing” plans in place, according to county public health. Social distancing, huh? I don’t remember if that was a thing during the SARS epidemic, and I try to block out all of the information I consumed during the bird flu epidemic, because I still have nightmares about it.
However, it sounds like a prime-time excuse not to hang out with those people you keep canceling dinner plans on. Skip work, skip school, skip the cruise. Yep. You don’t need to do a thing. As long as you’ve got your paper towels and that 50-pound bag of rice, you don’t even have to fly the coop.
Lucky for some Guadalupe residents, all that toilet paper and social distancing could come in handy. At least for those residents dealing with sewage issues (estimated to be half of city citizens), who have had overflow and other plumbing problems. Eww.
Think there’s been a run on plungers in Guadalupe since the city put that press release out? You’ve gotta be prepared, you know!?
But the city’s got a plan to upgrade its failing sewer system and announced plans to request $3.2 million in funding from the state Department of Housing and Community Development. So, the city might fix it. Or, it might not.
It’s kind of a crapshoot. Pun absolutely intended.
The canary is unashamed about using puns. Send comments to canary@santamariasun.com.
This article appears in Mar 12-19, 2020.
