I have decided that the online dating scene has given the male population of the planet the mistaken idea that they deserve a relationship “at this point in their lives” and are so perfect, balanced, have found their inner divinities, their Harleys, can cook like a chef, kids are grown, wife has flown, and it is their turn—for what?
These men are so amazing they should be giving interviews to Parade magazine. I have met about two dozen men for coffee and find that there is no truth in advertising, and I have concluded that I do not deserve an online relationship as I am not self-absorbed enough. The men I have met have run the gauntlet, as Dorothy Parker said of Kathryn Hepburn, of emotion from A to B. They all think they need lovers because they do not have one.
I sat with one 70-something sailor who confessed to me that he has plenty of female companionship, but he wants a lover. This man had absolutely nothing but his boat to offer the female population of the world and did not ask me one question about myself until it was apparent the lunch date was about to be over. He commented that he liked my antique compass pendant. His last remark was: “At 40, this [getting a lover] was not a problem.” I marveled: Is this really the first time he has considered this obvious truth? It is harder at 70 than at 40 to get a date. Who even cares why? The simple and obvious logic required for this observation made me worry that this man was driving a car, let alone navigating a sailboat.
Overall, I feel sorry for these men. They really do need direction and comfort from a female—and not the ones they already know. Those do not count; they want fresh blood. They are like tired hunters, dropping back from the tribe for tribal geriatric reasons, and the wolf pack is close at their heels.
Women are so different. As one such online hunter told me, he had met a woman who opened his eyes by telling him what she realized she really needed was a dog that talked. She was opting out of the online game; it was, for her, more of a game than for the men who really appear to be needing to be saved by a female connection.
I have decided that a lot of women who are doing the online scrape with trouble are just bored. From what I hear via the men and their experiences, most women are truly window shopping—bored and retired and really not up to the responsibilities of caring for and feeding and tending a real man. Though the initial contact is exciting, it is the same kind of ignorant, giddy, and pubescent charge that you got as a 13-year-old discovering the opposite sex and then finding out there is a reason they are called opposite. Women are so different from men, and I’m sure God regrets putting such extreme opposites into play. It is possible that Eve picked the apple after searching her bag for a snack to finally shut Adam’s squalling for food. “Here,” I can just hear her say. “Stick this in your mouth, and go away.”
What, pray tell, is this online thing all about, and what keeps it going? I’m not sure. The easy answer is that high tech has co-opted our search for everything, and now we have thrown the baby in with the bath water, ordered up one fine and dandy mate, and then it is back to playing online Scrabble while the online wife makes nachos. I have heard a lot of men tell me they have this urge to share that beautiful sunset with someone other than their dog. That is a word I have heard multiple times—“share”—and this is almost funny, because the same man will dominate the conversation like Mr. Smith’s filibuster.
The retiring of the baby boomers may have some bearing on the subject. Now that my generation has reached their 60s and beyond, we are finding that those hard years of householder life seem to be moving away from us. The jobs are gone, the wives are gone, the kids moved on—and they are no more wiser from the experiences. They go get a lawnmower when they need one; they go get a date just as easily. But it is not really proving to be so easy. The sheer number of people involved in the various online dating sites shows that relationships are not going so well for both men and women. We do not know how to do the older years. We just want a fix.
For the most part, I do think people are very lonely in their lives, and many feel entitled. I have heard it said, “I deserve this.” But what on Earth does anyone deserve that they do not have? I have entered each meeting with the question: Does this other person appear to want to know me? The resounding answer has been NO. They want a package deal, and they want it very soon. It is true that we are one of the most selfish and self-absorbed generations to come along, and we are used to getting things we want and having access to great varieties—but what of reality and aging and diminishing prospects? What about those things that really do happen in life, and is another person going to solve the fact that you don’t appear to even like yourself?
That is just not a good selling point. You are spoiled, want a mama, and have nothing to offer except a crappy vineyard in Ojai, a messy divorce, a sailboat in Seattle, a house in Montana you never go to, and a greenhouse full of pot plants. Just grow up, get to know yourself, accept the fact you come into the world alone and you go out alone, and for Pete’s sake stop harping about how much you deserve a relationship. Get a hobby and save the whales; it might be nice for a change.
Barb Alward lives in Cambria. Send comments to mail@santamariasun.com.
This article appears in May 7-14, 2015.