People of all different ages and ethnicities stand together in a semi-circle, clutching clear plastic Starbucks cups filled with flickering white tea lights. A young man in a pastel dress shirt steps before a microphone set up in front of the crowd. Over the gentle murmur of conversation, he starts to speak: “I’d like to have a moment of silence for those who have been murdered or have died [because of harassment and discrimination].”
On the forefront of everyone’s minds is the handful of teenagers who committed suicide in September after being bullied for being gay or “seeming gay.”
Thirteen-year-old Seth Walsh tried to hang himself at his Tehachapi home after years of being picked on for being gay, according to his friends. He later succumbed to his injuries. Billy Lucas, a 15-year-old from Indiana, also hanged himself after his classmates allegedly called him a “fag.” Rutgers freshman Tyler Clementi jumped off the George Washington Bridge after his roommate allegedly posted an online video of him being intimate with another male student. And those are just a few of the deaths covered by the media.
Also in September, an employee at the Main Street Denny’s in Santa Maria was stabbed in the neck. Police reports defined the stabbing as a hate crime because the assailant allegedly asked the employee if he was gay before attacking him.
“When I heard about the suicides and then the stabbing, it shocked me that these kinds of things are still happening,” said one teenaged speaker at the vigil.
What shocked him more, he continued, were the responses from some of his classmates.
“I heard people saying at school, ‘Oh, they deserved it. They had it coming to them because they chose that lifestyle,’” he said. “People saying these things causes more hate crimes. … We have to act on this now. We can’t allow more suicides and hate crimes to happen.”
The deaths of these young men are tragic. And, unfortunately, they’re not unusual—nor are they unique to the lesbian, gay, bi, and transgender (LGBT) community.
What makes a bully a bully?
In a recent interview with the Sun, Lisa Firestone, director of research and education at the Glendon Association in Santa Barbara, said victims of bullying—anti-gay or otherwise—are more likely to commit suicide because of extreme feelings of isolation and worthlessness. Surprisingly, Firestone said the bullies themselves are equally at risk.
“Bullies feel bad about themselves because they’re usually being abused or neglected as well, whether at home or on the streets,” Firestone explained. “By picking on others, they’re enacting an image of being tough and self-protective.”
While members of the LGBT community—or young people labeled as members of that community—seem to be taking the brunt of the violence and harassment, Firestone said bullying is a serious problem for all youth.
“Middle school seems to be the worst [time for bullying],” she said, “because you take kids at their most vulnerable age—essentially when their emotional centers are growing faster than their cerebral cortexes—and you put them in a larger school with larger classes and less teachers. It can be a wonderful social experience, but kids can also get lost.”
The pressure to define oneself socially can motivate a child to bully. Likewise, fear of retaliation can prevent other children from intervening if they witness bullying.
Through her work at the Glendon Association, Firestone said she’s learned that the best way to stop bullying is to target the “bystander effect.”
“The bystander effect comes from a failure to teach children empathy, to tune into what it’s like to be another person,” she explained. “We have to teach them that if we all stand up together, this won’t happen anymore. We have to give kids practice on how to stand up to bullies. The more you give kids a sense of community, the better things get.”
Stopping the abuse
Earlier this year, a coalition of Santa Barbara County organizations led by Santa Maria-based Gay Rights Advocates for Change and Equality (G.R.A.C.E.) sent out a letter to the community decrying intolerance.
“We are a coalition of organizations and individuals who believe everyone should be treated with dignity and respect as a human being regardless of their race, religion, disability, ethnicity, national origin, gender, or sexual orientation,” the letter read. “Whether a young child is being bullied on a playground or hate speech is being exchanged on ‘Main Street,’ we will not be silent in the face of abuse.
“We say ‘no’ to hate and recognize that it is intended to terrorize an entire community,” the letter continued, “to inflict fear on many of us who make up the very fabric of our communities—this may be you, your loved ones, your neighbor, your child’s teacher, your cousin, or your friend. When someone is threatened or harmed because of their identity, a threat of harm has been made to all who share in that identity.”
G.R.A.C.E. reinforced that message, along with other groups such as Pacific Pride Foundation and Fighting Back Santa Maria Valley, at the Santa Maria City Hall vigil on Oct. 11.
“We felt with all the things happening nationally and here in Santa Maria, no one was saying that bullying is wrong,” G.R.A.C.E. board member Cristina Gonzalez told the Sun at the vigil. “We have to stand up and say bullying is wrong or people will think it’s OK to harass someone because of their sexuality or any other identity.”
G.R.A.C.E. holds events like the vigil, as well as monthly meetings, movie nights, and wine mixers, to offer support to the LGBT community and its straight allies.
“G.R.A.C.E. is all about creating a safe space for people to be themselves,” board member Robert Hubbard said. “There are a lot of people, especially in this community, who are having trouble coming out or are being bullied, and need support.”
Hubbard said Santa Maria can tend to be “a close-minded community that’s not very safe for LGBT people.”
“I’d say there’s a hidden homophobia here in Santa Maria,” he said. “Even just for someone to walk down the street holding hands with his boyfriend is a big problem for the community.”
That’s why G.R.A.C.E., together with Pacific Pride Foundation, is making an effort to host more gay-friendly events in the valley. But that’s not all, Hubbard said.
“[Our mission is] bigger than that—discrimination is discrimination. It’s not just about sexuality. It’s about treating people right,” he said. “What we’re trying to put to light is that we’re all bullied all the time, and we don’t even talk about it because it’s so accepted.”
G.R.A.C.E. member Jaime Lopez and her daughter Shayla spoke at the vigil about their experiences with bullying. They recently moved back to Santa Maria after living out of state for a while. The move has proved somewhat difficult for Shayla, who started eighth grade in September.
“I’ve had kids call me fat, and stupid, and ugly,” Shayla said through tears at the vigil, “all because they don’t know me.”
The majority of the bullying, she later told the Sun, happens during PE and on the bus.
“If you’re bigger than other people or can’t run as fast, PE is that place that shows it,” Shayla explained. The bus is another bullying zone, she said, because there aren’t any adults present who can stop the heckling.
“I think they [bully] because it’s the way they were brought up or they weren’t taught it’s not OK to treat people that way,” she said.
Mom Jaime, who came out to friends and family in 2006, said she always worried her sexuality would cause problems for her daughter—but it’s turned out to be a
positive thing.
“I think it’s made her a stronger person. It’s made her more open-minded and it’s taught her how to stand up for herself and for others,” Jaime said.
Respecting you, respecting me
Santa Maria educators and local youth organizations are also working to stop bullying by cultivating empathy in students and creating a greater sense of community in schools.
According to information from the fall 2009 California Healthy Kids Survey, approximately 31 percent of eighth, 10th, and 12th graders in Santa Maria report being bullied or harassed for any reason. The most prevalent reason specified by students was race or ethnicity, followed by religion and being gay/lesbian or perceived as gay/lesbian.
The Healthy Kids Survey also reported approximately 47 percent of eighth graders and 44 percent of 12th graders felt connected to their schools, whereas only 40 percent of 10th graders said they felt connected.
“You see this ‘U’ shape in the graph because eighth-graders are at the top in their schools, and they’ve had more time to establish themselves socially. It’s the same for 12th graders,” explained Jada Clark, programs director at Fighting Back Santa Maria Valley. “It’s usually harder for ninth and 10th graders because they’re just starting at the school.”
The local nonprofit organization puts on sober events and leadership programs for local youth. Fighting Back also has a youth group and satellite clubs at all of the Santa Maria and Orcutt high schools and most of the junior high schools.
“Our goal is to empower our kids and help them get the resources they need,” Clark said. “We want to reach out to all kids because there are a lot of hurting kids in our community.”
The organization has a plethora of programs focusing on a diverse range of issues, from anti-bullying efforts to drug and alcohol abuse prevention to leadership development. The programs and events are available to youth of all different ages and are often put on primarily by the students themselves.
On Oct. 1, the Fighting Back students and staff launched “Respecting You, Respecting Me Day” at Santa Maria High School. The all-day event uses several group activities to address common school problems, including bullying, cliques, gossip, and harassment.
“The students get to confront rumors and rekindle friendships that might have been lost because of gossip or peer pressure,” Clark explained, adding that Fighting Back is planning to hold events at all the high schools.
The day started with a few fun icebreakers and then progressed to more serious activities, like “Cross the Line,” during which all the students lined up and a moderator called out statements pertaining to certain experiences and social situations. If a student identified with the statement—for example, “Cross the line if you have ever felt isolated from your friends”—he or she walked to the other side of the room.
Fighting Back youth group leaders Anastasia Acros and Genesis Garcia, who both participated in the event, said they felt it was a successful start to breaking down social barriers.
“I think overall it depends on the person; everyone takes away from it what they will,” Acros said. “But it made you stop and think about what you do; if you talk crap
about someone, it really makes you look at things from their perspective.”
Garcia agreed, adding, “It really taught you to not judge a book by its cover, as they say, and shows you that everyone has similar problems.”
When asked if they ever felt bullied or witnessed bullying at school, the girls said they’ve mostly witnessed bullying.
“If you walk in at lunch, you can easily see the different social groups—the jocks are in one place, the cholos are in another,” Garcia said.
Acros said there’s also a lot of name-calling, “especially for men with feminine traits, even if they’re not homosexual.”
Rudy Ramos, a fellow Fighting Back member and Pioneer Valley High School graduate, said the bullying at his school separated into two groups: cyberbullying and gang violence.
“We had problems with sexting and lots of scandals, and violence from the [West] Parkers and some kids who were trying to bring the Bloods to Santa Maria,” he said, adding that there was definitely some racial tension at the school.
All three of the students said they do their best to counteract bullying and harassment at their schools.
“Discriminating someone over anything—race, religion, or sexuality—is dumb,” Ramos said bluntly. “People think because I’m Catholic, I’m supposed to be against gay marriage. I tell them, ‘That’s my religion, but I’m open-minded. I think people who love each other should be able to be together.’”
Added Garcia: “When it gets to the point that someone wants to commit suicide [over bullying], it needs to be stopped.”
Bullying and harassment, Ramos continued, “can do real damage to someone. I’ve seen it first-hand. A friend of mine tried to commit suicide and I told him, ‘Don’t do this. Don’t let what these people are saying affect you. There are so many people in your life who love you and care about you.’”
Animal ambassador
Laurie Woodward, a fifth grade teacher at Taylor Elementary School, told the Sun she’s trying early on this year to create an atmosphere of respect and peace in her classroom.
Woodward started her mission the very first week of class by showing her students The Dean and JoJo Story Documentary, a film by naturalist Dean Bernal focusing on his friendship with a wild bottlenose dolphin named JoJo.
The film dramatically retells the story of how Dean and JoJo met in the waters off Turks and Caicos, and how Dean worked tirelessly to protect the dolphin from hotshot jet and water skiers and other abusive tourists.
“The scenes [in the movie] in which JoJo was hit by a jetski, and another where he was attacked by five men, open up a greater dialogue about [the students’] stronger feelings about bullying,” Woodward said.
After playing the movie, she asks her students some related questions, such as “Have you ever stepped in to help a friend who was hurt, like Dean did when JoJo was hit by the jetski?” and “In what ways are your friendships the same as Dean and JoJo’s? How are they different?”
Later, as a group, the students get to make masks of a bully, a victim, or JoJo to help them “see the world through someone else’s eyes,” Woodward said. The bully is usually someone the students feel bullied them in the past, and the victim is someone the students might have bullied themselves, like a little brother or sister.
“It really teaches the children compassion,” Woodward said. “When they see the man cradling the hurt dolphin in the water, even my toughest boys are shocked. You should see their faces.”
Bernal recently visited the classroom to re-shoot some scenes from the DVD to show the children’s reaction to the film and activities. He told the Sun he wants the students to be able to imagine themselves as “Dean the dolphin guy.”
“Who wouldn’t want to be the guy swimming with dolphins?” he asked. “The truth is, there’s a lot of fear out there on TV and maybe at home. The Dean and JoJo Story is a true, compassionate story that children and adults can relate to.”
Another exercise encourages the students to make “peace cards” if they have a disagreement with a peer. On the cards, they can draw pictures or write about positive ways they can handle conflict in the future.
“I’ve really noticed some amazing changes,” Woodward said. “This is the most peaceful class I’ve ever had. The students care more about each other.”
Pleased with the results they’re seeing, Woodward and Bernal are working on getting the DVD and corresponding activities into more classrooms and childcare programs.
Woodward is planning on applying for a Caring and Sharing teaching grant, and The Dean and JoJo Children’s Enrichment Foundation is actively distributing its three programs to schools and organizations across the country.
“It’s been a great honor to have Dean in my classroom,” Woodward said. “He’s really an amazing man who cares about kids and the environment, and wants to make a difference.”
Contact Managing Editor Amy Asman at aasman@santamariasun.com.
This article appears in Nov 4-10, 2010.
