In her new book, The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused–—and Start Standing Up for Yourself, local author and veteran therapist Beverly Engel warns girls and women about being too “nice.”
Being too nice, Engel writes, can be dangerous, because “nice girls” are more likely to be victimized—emotionally, physically, and sexually.
Throughout her 30-plus years of treating survivors of abuse, Engel said that she started noticing an alarming trend among her patients, which she dubbed “The Nice Girl Syndrome.”
The crux: A “nice girl” is often submissive at the expense of her boundaries, safety, health, self-esteem, and life goals.
As the new executive director of Domestic Violence Solutions of Santa Barbara County, Engel is busy implementing a program for local girls and women aimed at replacing “nice girl” behavior with stronger and healthier behaviors. Engel shares that program on a national level in her book.
“Women in general often have a habit of not being assertive, and putting other people’s needs above their own and worrying about what other people think,” Engel told the Sun.
“Not to ever blame them, but people like that tend to attract abusive people,” she said. “And more often than not, these women can’t get themselves strong and confident enough to get out of the situation.”
In Nice Girl, Engel plows through conventional ideals, stating: “While society superficially rewards nice girls, they suffer deeply in their intimate and work relationships by losing personal power and parading inauthentic selves. Avoiding conflict and playing na‘ve may seem to offer payoffs, but the payoffs aren’t as big as the price women pay for not holding their own.”
Engel’s program is centered around cultivating the “Four C’s” of empowered behavior: confidence, courage, conviction, and competence. The book is broken down into chapters focusing on each of the C’s, and also offers exercises for readers to practice these behaviors.
“If a woman is confident, she’s sometimes thought of as ‘stuck up’ or threatening to men and other women,” Engel said. “With a man, it’s fine for him to be confident. Society wants him to be confident, and for some reason we think it’s not okay for a woman to act the same way.”
The same thing can be said for the other C’s, Engel said. As a result, women are weakened physically and emotionally, thus opening the door for abuse, she explained.
Along with discussing the Four C’s, Engel writes in her book about several of the false beliefs that she said plague women, such as that a woman’s feelings or beliefs aren’t as valid as other people’s. And then there’s the pesky belief that women need to be perfect to be accepted.
“It’s surprising, really. You’d think in this day and age that we’d have gotten past [these beliefs] but we haven’t,” Engel said.
In order to spread the word about overcoming “The Nice Girl Syndrome,” Engel and Domestic Violence Solutions are hosting a series of events promoting the book and combating the accompanying effects of abuse and domestic violence.
On Oct. 5, Engel hosted a special mother-daughter tea and book-signing event in Santa Barbara. Engel said she chose to discuss the book with mothers and their teenage daughters as a way to promote healthy behaviors in multiple generations.
On Oct. 9, Engel will give a talk about the book and the dangers of abuse at the Santa Maria Public Library from 6 to 8 p.m. The discussion will be followed by a candlelight vigil honoring victims and survivors of domestic violence.
Similar events are scheduled for later in October, and will be held in Lompoc and Santa Maria.
INFOBOX: Learn more
For more information about The Nice Girl Syndrome and events hosted by Domestic Violence Solutions of Santa Barbara County, call 963-4458 or visit www.dvsolutions.org.
Contact Staff Writer Amy Asman at aasman@santamariasun.com.
This article appears in Oct 9-16, 2008.