I am coming up on the one year anniversary of when I got engaged to my true beloved, Chris. I thought I would take this opportunity to share some inner glimpses at our idyllic and absolutely perfect relationship, which you will obviously be very jealous of.
A few weeks ago I was out sick. Chris is always there to support me in any way I need, because that’s the kind of loving supportive soul he is.
Me: *groaning* I am so sick …
Chris: Oh my sweet poor thing! Lemme know if you need anything.
Me: *straining to speak* Maybe you could come home and make some soup or something.
Chris: Oh, honey, I’m kind of swamped at work right now, but you know, the second I have some free time, I’m going to come home take care of that for you.
Me: Oh thank you; you’re so sweet. And then when you get here maybe you can fix the XBox.
Chris: What?
Me: Well. There’s something wrong with your XBox. I tried to start it up, and it made this funny little noise, and then the screen went all blank.
Chris: Oh my God. How long ago was this?
Me: About an hour—
Chris: Oh my God. AN HOUR. Oh my God. Oh my God. OK, OK, I’m leaving now. Don’t touch anything.
Me: What about work—
Chris: I am running out the door right now. Everything is going to be OK. I’m on my way.
Me: Seriously?
Chris: Just lean down to the console and whisper that daddy is on the way.
Chris is also a skilled and patient listener, who I can always look to for stimulating conversation. In fact, if I had to rank the greatest conversations and discourse in world history, my list would look a lot like this:
1. Winston Churchill, Franklin D. Roosevelt, and Joseph Stalin at Yalta
2. David Frost and Richard Nixon
3. Council of Trent
4. Chris talking to himself playing any video game: “This is [45 seconds of uninterrupted cursing] I hate this stupid game … . I pushed fire, you jerk. Wait, why did you do that? Wait wait … OH NOW YOU’RE LETTING ME SHOOT? I am going to burn this game in the fires of Mordor—oh wait, there it goes, yes I beat that level! Hey, this is lots of fun! I’m gonna play for another six hours, OK?”
Of course, it should be known that I am also a wonderful and supporting life partner. I work to communicate my needs efficiently so that my partner understands my needs and also feels supported for providing a good listening ear:
Me: I need you to do me a favor. I need you to pick up some paper towels on your way over.
Chris: Sure babe, no problem see you late—
Me: Wait, wait, listen, there’s a certain kind you need to get…
Chris: Sure honey, no problem, what brand do you want.
Me: Well, I don’t know what they’re called.
Chris: Uhh. OK. I usually just get the ones that are cheap.
Me: No, no, no. Don’t get the cheap ones. Whatever you do, don’t get the cheap ones!
Chris: What, will they unleash some kind of apocalyptic meltdown if you try to wipe your counter with cheap towels?
Me: That’s not funny. I really can’t believe you’re making light of that.
Chris: No, no, I’m not—
Me: I prepare our meals on that countertop.
Chris: I know.
Me: What, you don’t care about our meals? You don’t like the food I make for you?
Chris: I love your meals. I’m a moronic idiot. Now, what kind of paper towels should I get you?
Me: Well, first off, they don’t have a human character on the wrapper. I don’t trust paper goods with human replicas on them. There’s something wrong about all that.
Chris: Uh-huh. Got it.
Me: And they should be biodegradable, environmentally conscious.
Chris: Of course.
Me: But nothing too Seventh-Generation-y. I don’t trust how the corporations track me when I buy green products.
Chris: Right.
Me: And if you buy ones with a pattern, make sure it has a pattern that is criss-cross, not horizontally slanted.
Chris: Obviously.
Me: And either buy 2-ply or 4-ply. Not 1- or 3-ply. No odd numbered ply.
Chris: Yes.
Me: I mean, don’t go to any trouble.
Chris: No, no, don’t worry.
And you know those “lists” that every couple has? The list of famous people it’s OK to have an affair with because they’re just so famous and beautiful it would be unfair to let your partner miss out on it? We have those lists.
Me: You know those lists of famous people that are OK to have sex with and don’t count as cheating?
Chris: Yeah.
Me: We should really make one of those lists.
Chris: OK.
Me: I’ll go first. My list is Daniel Craig, Keanu Reeves, Daniel Craig, Clive Owen, and Daniel Craig again.
Chris: Wow. That’s a lot of Daniel Craig. OK, I guess on my list I would have—
Me: No, no. That’s not necessary. I already made your list.
Chris: What?
Me: Yes, I already made a list of people it is OK for you to stray on me with.
Chris: Do I even get a say—
Me: Your list is The Queen of England
Chris: Hmm. The Queen of England. Hey, that sounds kind of hot.
Me: What?
Chris: She’s seems like she’d be kind of a minx. That is awesome.
Me: No, wait I changed my mind. I am taking her off the list—
Chris: Too late.
Rebecca Rose is still madly in love. Or just completely mad. She’ll figure it out. Contact her at rrose@santamariasun.com.
This article appears in Nov 2-8, 2017.