Our writers recently obtained exclusive interviews with holiday figures, including a ghost from Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol and Santa Claus. We proceeded to ask the tough questions, receiving candid assessments of the health risks posed by Santa’s shaking belly and the ghost of Christmas present’s secret to staying current.
SUN I’ve heard conflicting reports; are you a ghost or spirit?
GHOST I am a ghost of Christmas present.
SUN Obviously, your most famous work was your transformation of Ebenezer Scrooge; are you allowed to name some of your other projects? Dick Cheney, perhaps?
GHOST Well, there is some confidentiality in any sort of job market, confidentiality between you and your subject. I’m not at liberty to say. Scrooge’s case is pretty well documented. That one’s somewhat public domain. But others I would rather not talk about.
SUN Do you always work as a trio with the two other spirits, or do you ever branch out on your own?
GHOST I don’t know that it is this great triumvirate that goes around saving whoever needs saving. I would think that it was based on the individual. I believe Scrooge has a very bad case and he needs as much help as he can get realizing that humbug isn’t a Christmas word.
SUN Of the three ghosts, you’re traditionally depicted as the jolliest—the fellow you wouldn’t mind getting a beer with. Would you say this characterization is accurate? Or are you just playing the good cop in a good cop/bad cop scenario?
GHOST Well, I prefer the milk of human kindness. When you say nice ghost, yes, I’m very kind. However, I’ve also been compared to the Roman god Janus, who is this two-faced god. There are times when my generosity will still be there, but takes a turn for a more poignant point of view. When I find Scrooge, or anyone for that matter, not believing in Christmas, the point needs to get across.
SUN Traditionally, your story has been labeled a “Victorian morality tale” and you first achieved fame in 1843; how do you avoid becoming dated in a youth-driven society? Lipo? A childlike spirit?
GHOST Well, I don’t embody “present.” I am present. But I see where you’re coming from in this day and age of new technologies and certain nouns that are verbs, like Google and MySpace and all of these things. I think even in these instances of technology we still put forth an effort to be kind to one another at this time of year. We have to. I believe it is in our nature. Well, in your nature, as human beings. It is a time to come together and love one another and rejoice. I think, regardless of technology, of what the mass media may have led you to believe, the spirit of Christmas will always be there in the hearts and minds of those who love one another and believe in the spirit of Christmas.
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SUN Given your popularity, have you ever considered running for political office?
SANTA Oh, no, that would take away too much energy from what I do.
SUN Is the economic downturn affecting things at the North Pole?
SANTA Oh, no. We always go at maximum speed. We all always have enough to give. And all of us can give a little bit more. No matter who you are, you can always help someone. If everybody just helped one or two other people, it would be the greatest planet to live on in the whole universe. That’s part of the spirit. The spirit goes beyond Santa Claus or Christmas or the holidays.
SUN Has your doctor ever sat you down to have a discussion about cookies and jolly bellies?
SANTA If you’ll notice, in some of those older pictures, I was a little heavier. I do eat a little healthier now, and I encourage you to do likewise. Often people will say, “You’re not fat enough to be Santa,” and that’s when I look at them and say, “Yes, those pictures are older, and I eat healthier now, and I encourage you to eat healthier, too.”
SUN How on Earth did you come up with coal as a punishment for naughty children? Do you have anything else you give to those on your naughty list?
SANTA That’s a regional thing. The tradition started in the United States when coal was very available. Becoming as green as we are now, I don’t know what that’s going to change into, but the elves will help me out.
SUN So, they’re in the process of identifying an alternative to coal?
SANTA That’s right. I’m sure they will, because coal is definitely losing its popularity in this country.
SUN Do you have a special currency system at the North Pole, or do you embrace another system, like the euro?
SANTA Those transactions, again, are handled by the elves, and they can convert anything into anything. They are so brilliant.
SUN How do you keep the twinkle in your eye?
SANTA Some things are genetic. It’s there, and it’s there all the time.
SUN What kinds of presents did Jesus ask for as a boy?
SANTA It was a long time ago; I really don’t remember. I’m sure it must have been peace on Earth.
SUN Are you at all concerned about how global warming might affect the North Pole, given that you’re pretty much surrounded by a sea of ice?
SANTA Because I ride with the reindeer, there’s a minimum of greenhouse gases. And as we’re cutting back on coal, there will be a minimum of greenhouse gases from that, so we’re doing our part and we just hope that you do your part. We’re definitely real green. That’s the next favorite color: green.
Ashley Schwellenbach is arts editor for the Sun’s sister paper in San Luis Obispo, New Times. Send her questions for the Easter Bunny at aschwellenbach@newtimesslo.com.
This article appears in Dec 25, 2008 – Jan 1, 2009.