Way way back in the day, New York magazine used to have a regular feature which shined the spotlight on local celebrities, politicians, and socialites. It was a list of questions designed to assess what kind of New Yorker the person was and give insight into some of the more intimate details of a prominent person’s life.
Since I myself am a prominent socialite and celebrity, I thought I would offer you readers an opportunity to learn more about me by taking the Q-and-A. I’ve made some adjustments for our local community, but the sentiment is still the same. Enjoy all of the knowledge about me you are about to receive.
Occupation: Writer/Columnist and Ower of Money.
Who’s your favorite New Yorker, living or dead, real or fictional? I saw a picture of a guy on Instagram who was living in Queens in someone’s bathroom with an air mattress for $750 a month. I might have to go with him.
What’s the best meal you’ve ever eaten? This Saturday night, I watched a Cops marathon and split a large Papa John’s cheeseburger pizza with my fiancé, who called it “fancy food.” He likes the cheesy bread, too.
In one sentence, what do you actually do all day in your job? Try not to steal from my fellow journalists or blackmail them.
Would you live here on a $35,000 salary? Does that include the money I would steal from boyfriends/co-workers/church donation basket?
What’s the last thing you saw on the beach? My underwear stuck to a jellyfish.
Do you give money to panhandlers? Dude, I am a panhandler. Seriously. Do you have a few bucks you could lend me?
What’s your drink? I like vodka. The good stuff. Which is expensive. So how about those few bucks, eh?
How often do you prepare your own meals? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
What’s your favorite medication? OK, there is this special new strain out right now, but it is very, very hard to get your hands on. It is called the Magic White Turtle Skunk Queen. You cannot get this anywhere but from this one dude Ronnie. Ronnie lives out in Templeton. Anyway, you knock on the door and say, “I have the pickles for Mr. Gregson.” You have to go to the backyard and sit in the blue chair. Now don’t worry, only one of his dogs bites. I forget which one. So anyway, you sit in the chair and Ronnie’s uncle will pull the shade in the back window up. And then … wait, did I mention you’re supposed to wear a San Jose Sharks hat? You know what, just email me for the rest of it.
When is bedtime? When the NyQuilcolada kicks in.
Which do you prefer, the old Times Square or the new Times Square? Someone just told me there is a Red Lobster in Times Square and I just think that is a miracle from sweet baby Jesus.
What makes someone a true Central Coast local? You know where Ronnie’s house is.
Who is your mortal enemy? NATALIE PORTMAN. She knows why.
When’s the last time you drove a car? My car blew up on Highway 101 and I was stranded in the middle of nowhere in front of the scary sign that said anyone caught there would be shot dead and I was terrified and totally thought I was going to be Dateline’d and I tweeted host Josh Mankiewicz to please only use cute pictures of me when they do the story. So now I Uber and always have plenty of cute pictures saved on my phone.
How did the financial crash of 2008 affect you? I have been able to maintain at least 40 percent of the change I had saved in the ashtray of my car. So I’m totally good. Also, I now invest my money with a man who operates a business that sells a device he says will turn water into diamond dust which he says is selling for $7,000 an OUNCE on the black market in Nigeria. So once he gets enough money he’s going to build that machine and I’m going to be set for life!
Times, Post, or Daily News? I do not trust mainstream news. I follow a certain blog that requires password verification and surrendering your passport to access it. It is run by a former Vietnam veteran who was part of a secret black-ops squadron that ran covert missions for the CIA and also he used to work for a Shoney’s. He has very important information about things that the media deems too “controversial” to touch like how Demi Lovato is a Mossad agent, and how giving money to the Salvation Army secretly funds deforestation in Denmark to pay for Frito-Lay marketing ventures. Actually, I’ve already said too much.
What do you do when you want to be alone? I hide in my shoe closet where I pretend I am a famous supermodel who is running late for a major fashion shoot with Vogue and refuses to come out of her closet because she can’t decide which designer gown to wear and also my boyfriend is Chris Evans and he is in the closet telling me I look good in everything and reminds me to not forget I have to pick out which diamond encrusted Ferrari I want for my birthday. But nothing too elaborate or anything.
What do you hate most about living on the Central Coast of California? That Ronnie’s house is so far.
If you want to know more about Ronnie’s house, contact Rebecca Rose at rrose@santamariasun.com.
This article appears in Nov 16-23, 2017.