Editor’s note: Denise F. was a source for the cover story, “Break the silence,” which ran Oct. 5. Her full last name has been omitted to protect her privacy. She submitted her story as a contribution in observance of Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
It still doesn’t seem possible, sometimes I think to myself, “This can’t be real”—how did I end up being subpoenaed as the primary witness in a felony domestic violence case?
It’s just too heartbreaking. It’s too devastating to comprehend—yet, I have no choice but to somehow accept the reality. Maybe fully being able to come to terms with it will take time. It’s more of a process, not an event. Some things in life, the hard things, are like that—it takes a lot of time to heal and come to accept “that really happened.”
What is the point of this letter? Hopefully to help inform and give more understanding of domestic violence and preventing others from becoming victims; to empower those caught in it to find the strength and resources to escape; and even perhaps cause those who commit domestic violence to realize what they’re doing, and think long and hard about continuing down that road, or instead come to a place where they are willing to admit what they’re doing within themselves and get help through batterer’s intervention.
At the end of May, the life I had came to an abrupt halt when my boyfriend, Aaron, was arrested early one afternoon. A young woman had called 911 when she witnessed him attacking me in my car. By the time the police came I was so traumatized from what had been more than three hours of being held in my car, threatened, screamed at, and hit, that I couldn’t talk for a while—I was shaking, crying, and basically falling apart.
That moment in time has played over countless times in my mind. I think, “How did we end up here?” When we met, everything was so good. We started out as friends meeting for coffee and chats on the phone, sometimes going to art shows, and enjoying different activities. A couple months later our friendship blossomed quickly into romance. This part causes me to break down and cry because the heart has a hard time reconciling how something so good could turn violent.
In hindsight, there were signs. I hope sharing some of these signs can help others to be aware if they notice similar patterns with a partner, to avoid becoming ensnared in the dangerous trap of domestic violence. Because for me anyway, it was a sort of trap. I believe that for many others in some way it is as well.
Not too long after we became a couple, my boyfriend made a request that I always answer his calls, at any time, so that he wouldn’t worry about me. In the beginning part of a relationship you want to make a real effort to meet your partner’s needs, and so although I knew there would be at least the occasional time where I wouldn’t be able to drop everything to answer his phone call, I reassured him that I didn’t want him to worry and would try to answer all his calls.
As a little more time passed he seemed to be somewhat possessive and controlling. His feelings would be hurt if I made plans to see my daughter. He also encouraged me to eat more than I wanted, and I began to gain some weight. A few times when I considered losing weight he angrily replied there wasn’t a need to lose any weight unless I wanted to impress other guys. He felt the same way about a cute top I wore when he took me to the movies, commenting that he didn’t want to worry about men checking me out. Another time I went to get my hair done in a flattering style, however when I saw him afterward he asked me to put it in a ponytail again for the same reason of not wanting other men to check me out.
He started to put me down, calling me names and yelling. One of the more painful memories I have was that he started telling me to shut up. Although I let him know it hurt my feelings and I needed to be able to express myself, it fell on deaf ears and he began to tell me to shut up all the time. Once at a fast food restaurant we ran into a friend of his who joined us at the table. In the midst of chatting, he ordered me to shut up in front of his friend. I was so humiliated I couldn’t look up to make eye contact with his friend. Somewhat to my surprise his friend told him he shouldn’t tell me to shut up, and my boyfriend became apologetic saying that he didn’t realize. Apparently he wasn’t sincere, as not long after he again told me to shut up.
My personality began to shut down as I began to think that I was less than others.
About eight months into our relationship he hit me for the first time—a hard slap across the face for disagreeing with him. I was stunned that he would physically hurt me even though he had been verbally hurting me for a while.
It’s important to know that verbal and mental abuse often go before physical abuse.
While I can recall certain details exactly, other parts of that incident are hazy—I do recall though that instead of apologizing, he kept saying that it was my fault for not agreeing with what he had said.
After that, days turned into weeks, which turned into months, and then 2 1/2 years.
I feel like it may be helpful for people to know that one thing that can keep a victim stuck is a combination of factors that form a kind of web that can become very difficult to get out of. I know for myself and many other victims, there is the desire for things to return to how good they were in the earlier part of the relationship. Another factor is how detrimental verbal and emotional abuse is on the self-esteem of the victim and can quickly wear away at their ability to discern between reality and what their abuser says about them. The physical abuse itself coupled with threats has the ability to deter a victim from leaving.
Perhaps my greatest regret from all this is the fact that it caused me to not be able to simply believe in myself. About midway through our relationship I realized how little I thought of myself, and that I felt like more of a “thing” than a person. Although there were some good times, they became fewer as time went on and the abuse incidents increased to the point that I often felt like my purpose was to be a punching bag. I wrote down the phrase, “Believe in yourself,” and looked at it sometimes, hoping to absorb the message. But the effects of all the abuse detracted me from believing I had much worth and I gave up, resigning myself to try to do what he wanted and avoid contradicting him, in essence walking on eggshells.
Walking on eggshells didn’t prevent him from hurting me though, and in the end, it was a stranger’s call to 911 that did. Throughout the whole 2 1/2 years I had covered for him, to several people, including an ER physician after he ruptured my eardrum. But now, here was this young woman who made it known with her 911 call.
I would like to thank Joe Payne, the managing editor of the Sun for the article on domestic violence (“Break the silence,” Oct. 5) and for providing a platform for education and discussion of such a critical issue. It leaves many victims not only physically wounded but also causing severe emotional scars that run deep and for are not easily healed. Some victims sadly do not live to tell about it. If that young woman had not called 911 that day, it’s possible that I might not have lived through it.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please know it’s not your fault and that it is critical to reach out to somewhere like a hotline to at least discuss options you have.
Denise F. is a resident of California who reached out to the Sun to share her story. Send your thoughts to letters@santamariasun.com.
This article appears in Oct 19-26, 2017.