We would have almost nothing to talk about if it wasn’t for Ashley Madison. And if you don’t know what that is, you obviously live under a tree in the middle of nowhere without cell phone service or Internet connection.
It’s everywhere. Facebook. OMG. We are consumed by infidelity. Ooh, scandalous. I will not jump on board that bandwagon exposing people who cheated on their spouses through that website. Will not! Well, I suppose I would, actually. If only I had some names that were relevant to this county!
But, alas, much to my chagrin—and yours, too—I’ve got a couple of lousy email addresses that implicate city of Santa Barbara employees. Nothing juicy.
No Congresswoman Lois Capps or wannabe congressman Salud Carbajal. No Santa Maria Mayor Alice Patino or used-to-be-a Lompoc Mayor John Linn.
It’s weak-sauce, I know. But I can tell you most of the Ashley Madison account users from Santa Barbara County are men. It’s not that women don’t cheat or commit adultery—maybe that site hasn’t been hacked yet. My feathers are pointing in the direction of … the majority of them aren’t dumb enough to get caught.
Call me biased, though. This dainty little bird has a feminine streak longer than the list of 36 million mostly male people now compromised from that little The Impact Team stunt.
As for that tree in the middle of nowhere: I’ll bet Ashley Madison’s big brass mucky mucks wish they were buried under it right now. Kind of like that motorcycle dude who took law enforcement on a 70-mile chase south down Highway 101 from Orcutt on a recent Sunday. That guy would probably bear crawl under the dirt headfirst.
What was Kaichi Sato of Santa Barbara thinking? Other than, “Ooh, this’ll be fun.” Reportedly clocked at 130 miles per hour at one point, it sort of sounds like fun. I mean, he couldn’t have possibly thought, “I’ll get away.” It’s not like there are many other roads that run North/South on the Central Coast. The 101’s it. A straight shot. Not a lot of places to hide, unless you choose to stay inside of the tunnel on the northbound side of the Gaviota Pass—and even then, there are only two ways out.
And after supposedly exhausting his fleeing options via super fast motorcycle, he thought feet were a nice option. I mean, how many people actually get away from a high-speed pursuit that becomes a foot race? CHP officers arrested Sato at gunpoint. Now, in addition to simply being an (alleged) idiot—which we, unfortunately, can’t charge people with—Sato was reportedly charged with attempting to evade law enforcement (felony) and for driving with a suspended license related to an April drunk driving charge (misdemeanor).
I hear a helicopter wound up on scene as well. Can we charge the idiot for that? I don’t feel like putting any of my tax dollars toward his stupidity.
The driver of that truck pulling an RV trailer pulling a VW Bug who fire officials think started three different fires a couple of Sundays ago (what is it with Sundays?), probably wouldn’t mind finding that lost tree as well. While two of the blazes were snuffed out, the third—along the Cuesta Grade—charred at least 2,446 acres between Santa Margarita and San Luis Obispo.
That truck pulling a trailer pulling a bug up steep grades (if it was that vehicle that started the fires) in drought country is lucky that only one of the fires took off. Because if fire officials find something considered to be negligent—a dragging chain, a broken catalytic converter—that driver’s bank account will be toast.
Nearly 1,600 fire personnel flooded into SLO County to help stave off more disaster. Imagine if it had happened in Santa Barbara County, too, where the vehicle is suspected of sparking a fire at the Nojoqui Summit. That fire was contained at 6 acres. The third fire the vehicle’s suspected of causing was contained at 8 acres on Highway 41 at Cottonwood Pass.
I’ll bring the shovels.
The Canary’s ready for a nap under a tree in Waller Park. Send comments to canary@santamariasun.com.
This article appears in Aug 27 – Sep 3, 2015.