What else could the Santa Barbara News-Press have done?
Of course, you know by now that Santa Barbara County’s daily paper of record stirred up a lot of outrage when it printed a headline to float over its story about the influx of new applicants to the DMV at the start of the year.
These applicants, by the way, came into this country by less-than-official means. They are, in a word, undocumented.
Or, in another word, illegal.
Wait—they are illegal? That doesn’t make sense. They aren’t illegal. But what they did was.
Right?
The News-Press cut right through the debate and printed simply: “Illegals line up for driver’s licenses.”
You can probably see why. “Undocumented immigrants line up for driver’s licenses” would be way too long. And nobody (for some reason) refers to such residents as “undocumenteds”—though perhaps they should? That word makes about as much sense as the other one. More, even. Because wouldn’t all people who break the law be considered illegals?
That, to me, makes as much sense: In possession of stolen property? You’re illegal. Or you’re an illegal. Either way. Going a few miles an hour over the speed limit? You’re an illegal. Jaywalking? Yep.
Illegals is too broad a term, because last I checked, there’s a whole lot of stuff out there that’s illegal. You’re probably breaking a law while reading this column. Seriously. Stop it, you illegal, you.
How about alterna-locals? Nah, that sounds like some sort of superhero team.
Of course, coming right out and saying “Criminals line up for driver’s licenses” just wouldn’t do, but if we’re calling them illegals, why wouldn’t it? Well, aside from the aforementioned point that just about anybody is a criminal when you get down to it.
There’s got to be a better term.
U.S.Almosts?
Quote-unquote citizens?
Brothers from another motherland?
How about just people?
“People line up for driver’s licenses.” It’s concise, it’s accurate, it’s true.
The Canary is just happy to be alive. Send comments or ideas to canary@santamariasun.com.
This article appears in Jan 15-22, 2015.