They’re coming. Deny it all you want, but when the bodies of the dead rise to feast on the flesh of the living, those who hesitate will die first, or become undead, or simply get digested. So we here at the Sun gathered some of our local candidates—our potential future leaders—and sat them down to secretly evaluate who is best prepared to survive the Zombie Apocalypse, and who has it in them to ensure humanity’s continued existence when the end is nigh.
The victims … err, candidates
Lois Capps, U.S. Congressional District 23
Braaiins: As a former school nurse, Capps is a big believer in public education and, in Congress, she’s supported making college more affordable through low interest federal Pell Grants. That’s great for getting ahead in life under normal peacetime conditions, but only makes more succulent appetizers for the walking dead to feast on.
“We’ve done more [in Congress] for college affordability than any time before,” Capps said.
Zombies everywhere lick their rotting chops.
Hunker down: Capps has the staying power, but she gets a lot of support from the folks in Washington, D.C, running the risk of her supply lines being cut off when the bullet hits the bone. However, she’s shown building up a solid infrastructure is at the forefront of her agenda, as evidenced by her role in her obtaining funding for the Santa Maria Levee project.
Her ability to perform First Aid, via her nursing background, would be a critical attribute in warding off the virus-ridden undead. Instrumental in passing the national health care plan, Capps lists public health as among her top priorities, essential to the long-term survival of any community.
Resource mining: In a post-zombie apocalyptic nightmare, oil would be the spice of life (in a Dune sense), at least until it runs out. Capps has always been opposed to relying on fossil fuels, calling oil reliance “dirty and dangerous.” She supports research into all forms of alternative and renewable energy—which is good for the environment—but when the walking dead claw their way to her district, Capps would have to learn to love oil, because chainsaws don’t run on batteries, and you can’t head for the hills in a Segway.
Build an arsenal: When Capps says, “It’s a made-to-order explosion of violence,” she’s not talking about zombie attacks, she’s talking about the outbreaks at the Mexican border.
While she abhors the “epidemic” of gun violence, Capps nonetheless fully supports the Second Amendment rights of law–abiding citizens and hunters, though its unlikely she’d be the one packing heat. She’d better hope there’s a gun nut next door who doesn’t mind sharing a piece.
Join the horde: When it comes to her voting record, Capps typically toes the Democratic Party line. She’s pro-choice, pro-environment, and supports stem cell research and gay marriage. She literally stood side-by-side with President Barack Obama in meetings over the national health care bill, and wholeheartedly endorsed Obama during his campaign for the job. While nobody could accuse Capps of being a political maverick in Washington, when it comes to living through zombie-fueled crises, it’s best to have powerful allies—unless of course they’ve been once bitten.
Plan of attack: As the old proverb states, “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.” That’s the strategy the congresswoman takes on living through the Great War.
“I would survive by wearing a zombie costume for Halloween and not be able to be distinguished from one. So then, I could be the one who undid the whole Apocalypse,” she said. “You can be the mole inside and you can destroy it.”
It’s a plan so crazy, it just might work.
Tom Watson, U.S. Congressional District 23
Braaiins: Education is a “huge priority” for Watson, who compares the current California public school system to child abuse. However, he’s staunchly against intervention by the federal government to improve the state’s schools.
“Our country is not going to be successful unless we get our education system fixed,” Watson said. “It’s a travesty.”
However, if Watson gets his way, it would probably be best to ship all those braniacs out of town; they’re likely to draw unwanted guests to the dinner table.
Hunker Down: This Congressional contender is the politician’s equivalent of MacGyver, and has the background you’d want on your side should the dead ever rise again. Not only is he a Naval Academy graduate and former flight officer for F-14 Tomcats, but he also spent time in research and development for the Navy, procuring weapons and airplanes. In short, he knows how to build up strong defenses.
Also, expecting the election to turn out closer than projected, Watson said he’s not into “kamikaze missions,” so it’s likely he’d keep a cool head during the zombie resistance as the world falls apart around him.
Resource mining: The conservative Watson calls oil “the only cost-effective fuel we have” and disagrees with subsidizing alternative fuels, which he calls unreliable and too expensive.
“They’re going to keep eating our lunch if we don’t get our heads on straight about this,” he said of the country’s top competitors, China and India.
Lunch is exactly what humans would become with no way to fuel their vehicles, blowtorches, tanks, or other machines of war. Watson would most likely have a stockpile of the stuff—probably even some jet fuel.
Build an arsenal: As a fiscal conservative, Watson believes in pinching pennies and creating a business-friendly climate by lowering corporate taxes. However, unlike zombie-speak, business isn’t a dead language; forced into crisis mode, there’s little doubt the former Naval officer would be primed to lock and load. Watson is a big believer in the right to bear arms, and the added threat of death from above might give the rotting masses thoughts of leaving this morsel alone.
Join the horde: Though he doesn’t have a background in politics, Watson has shown he’s not afraid to go toe-to-toe with his potential future peers on their “disastrous” national health care plan, education, and cap and trade bill.
“These are the same people who give us $600 hammers and the DMV,” he said. “They’re simply not very efficient and effective, and they waste an awful lot of money.”
Unfortunately, zombies perform best when they can divide and conquer, and during an all-out Apocalypse, there’s no such thing as a one-man army.
Plan of attack: Like any good zombie killer, Watson’s philosophy to survival is: Cut the head off and the body will follow. In short, he’d vote in a new Congress.
“The people running our Congress act like a bunch of economic zombies,” he said. “They’re just marching to this drum, completely oblivious to reality.”
Watson could wake them up by smashing them over the head with a ballot box, but that just might make them angrier.
Katcho Achadjian, California Senate District 33
Braaiins: A Cuesta College and Cal Poly grad who speaks five languages, SLO County Supervisor Katcho Achadjian—the Republican candidate for Assembly District 33—might be a target for gray-matter-starved walking cadavers. As for protecting education, he’s got a plan: Keep it local.
“Our schools should be controlled by parents, teachers, and local school boards of trustees and not by Sacramento politicians,” he said. “Money allocated to school districts is for local trustees to make the decision as to where and how to spend that money. Any money that’s not been spent need not be returned back to the state.”
But if Sacramento is looking for extra dough to pump into education, he’s in favor of redistributing lottery funds. He wants to increase school funding allocation from about 36 percent to 45 percent of lottery coffers, though Achadjian would still rather prioritize at the local level to avoid the state’s blind distribution.
Hunker down: Achadjian may not have a quick solution to fill the capitol with capital—he’s more of a long-term guy who sees the budget problems as a result of overregulation. As a business owner who runs several SLO county gas stations, Achadjian said he’s seen first-hand how the state can make it hard to eke out profits.
Part of his campaign has focused on his time with the county Board of Supervisors, where he touts a history of balanced budgets.
“In good times we planned ahead for the future and built reserves,” he said, definitely a plus in terms of apocalypse preparation. “In the lean times, we still contributed to reserves and made tough but necessary cuts to keep our budget balanced. Sacramento must do the same.”
Join the horde: Before 2009, Achadjian tended to join up with former Board of Supervisors buddies Jerry Lenthall and Harry Ovitt, but the 2008 election changed that. Over the past two years, Achadjian has been in the minority, politically speaking. But a Sun review of Achadjian’s recent voting record shows he’s no more flamboyant—politically speaking—than Liza Minnelli at a drag show.
Since the first meeting of 2009, Achadjian stood his ground and was the only opposing vote in decisions a total of 10 times. He found himself in the minority of 3-2 splits 12 times. But he sided with the majority opinion on split votes 15 times. He also abstained from votes pertaining to the Oceano Dunes State Vehicular Recreation Area because of his conflict of interest as a gas-station owner.
Plan of attack: The Sun had to ask Achadjian this question three times. The first time he paused and responded, “You’ll have to explain that.” After some explanation, he gave his answer. But the recording of that interview mysteriously deleted itself, so we asked him again in an e-mail.
“This is where my combined experiences of being self employed for 33 years, supervisor for 12 years, and commissioner for four years have prepared me to deal with [the] Zombie Apocalypse, as you put it. I love dealing [with] and serving the public from all walks of life. I accept the challenge and look forward to the adventures of the capitol regardless of the difficult times ahead of us.”
Paul Polson, California Senate District 33
Braaiins: Paul Polson of Arroyo Grande was a bit groggy during his phone interview. It was about 5 a.m. his time, speaking from Afghanistan where he’s been doing carpentry for a Department of Defense contractor for the past two years.
At first, Polson was a bit iffy, weighing the benefits of a strong public-education program against the fact that there just isn’t any money to pay for it. But as a Libertarian candidate running for Assembly, he quickly perked up and the sleepy tone to his voice took on more of a professional-badass quality.
“The bottom line is for students, when they leave whatever level they’re at, to be capable of going to the next level,” he said. “If they’re capable of becoming a productive member of society, then we’ve been successful.”
Hunker down: The mucketyist of the mucks in Sacramento tend to create mindlessly unnecessary regulations that harm business owners, Polson thinks.
So he wants to do away with unnecessary red tape.
“I don’t think that there’s anything else the state can do to encourage businesses to be here than to make it easier for them to do business,” he said.
Polson believes that many people take advantage of the government and drive nails further into an already well-sealed coffin, even though stronger coffins make for better-trapped zombies.
“They don’t pay attention to what the real issues are and how a politician is supposed to represent them in the field of politics,” he said. “As a politician, it’s not my job to do what I think I’m supposed to; it’s my job to do what the people want me to.”
Join the horde: Polson has no record of voting with the majority because he doesn’t have any record. Though he’s a Libertarian activist, Polson has never held public office.
But, he said if he’s elected and sent to Sacramento, “Oh man they’d love me. I ain’t taking nobody’s advice on nothing.”
Plan of attack: Polson’s answer to this question was downright terrifying. If ever there was a man who could kick some zombie ass, it’s him.
“Well let’s see. How should I put this? I would become ruthless.”
Holy crap, Paul.
He said that if “everybody I ran into was a possible threat” he would try to avoid taking out “innocent bystanders.”
“But I would pretty much just shoot and blow up everybody.”
He went on, “It would be like a shooting gallery. You know, you’re shooting at things in a shooting gallery—bink, bink, bink, bink, bink.”
Hilda Zacarias, California Senate District 33
Braaiins: Zacarías went to Harvard for her master’s degree, so her brain is super delicious. Who knows, maybe it even tastes like Boston Baked Beans? All those years of advocating for education—first on the Santa Maria Joint Union High School Board of Education and then as a local politician—probably won’t help her either because zombies don’t put much stock in intelligence.
“As a state, one of our greatest jobs is to provide a high-quality education system. We’ve haven’t been able to do that because of the economy,” Zacarías told the Sun. “Sacramento needs someone who can do both, who understands the systemic issues of education and fixing California’s budget.”
She proposes stopping excess regulation in the classroom and taking away things like mandatory testing for second graders.
“Children are whole beings,” she said. “It’s not just about how well you read or write at age 7.”
But will that matter if zombies take over the world?
Hunker down: A former accountant and small business owner, Zacarías is well versed in making sure everything adds up. And when it comes to building an arsenal, her grassroots campaigning style might come in handy since most of the Political Action Committees will have dissolved as a result of the ensuing apocalyptic chaos.
Resource mining: Zacarías is strongly opposed to offshore drilling, and she’s running on a platform that encourages green jobs and green technology. It might mean she’ll be too soft when it comes to the nitty gritty necessity of survival. Or maybe it means she’ll be more innovative when it comes to creating weapons. Solar powered chainsaws, anyone?
Join the horde: Zacarías’s voting record while on the City Council shows she’s definitely not one to join the horde. Oftentimes she’s the sole dissenting or approving vote on the council. As an example, Zacarías gave her no vote on the Santa Maria Good Neighbor Ordinance (a policy that changes the process for getting an entertainment license): “I was the only no vote on that,” she said. “I felt that what we have now is a good neighbor policy because it allows members of the community to come express their concerns to the City Council.”
Plan of attack: When the Zombie Apocalypse is upon us, and the living dead start beating down our doors for tasty brains, Zacarías said she plans to be the badass Latina heroine who fights them off and saves the world from, well, apocalypse.
“I’d be like the heroine in that zombie movie by Quentin Tarantino,” she told the Sun. “After I saw that movie, I felt like I had survived the Zombie Apocalypse.”
The current Santa Maria City Council member said she would use her skills as a leader to unite the region’s survivors.
“But I’d be one of those leaders who’s right in the middle of it,” she said. “I’d get a bat and start swinging. I have a pretty powerful swing. I hit my first homerun in sixth grade.”
Contact the Sun through Executive Editor Ryan Miller at rmiller@santamariasun.com.
This article appears in Oct 28 – Nov 4, 2010.