I have a big household. And with a big household comes a lot of characters, none of them as interesting, however, as Bodhi, my chocolate Yorkshire terrier we often refer to as Porno Dog. I also refer to him by a lot of other names—all with affection, of course.
My idea of affection isn’t the same as a lot of other people’s. Remember: I live in a house full of boys, but even before I became Wendy to the Lost Boys, I wasn’t always a mushy-feely type person. My expression of love is more like the boy who used to hit you in the arm in second grade and your mom said it was because he liked you. Since I’ve always been kind of a tomboy, that kind of stuck. Not the hitting part, of course, but we’ve found that playful banter and lots of interaction with each other is more meaningful
than a kiss on the forehead and a routine “I love you” as we pass each other on our way out the door.
Of course, we hug and say our I Love
You’s, but in our house a high five trumps most other mushy expressions of love, and when someone does something awesome or cute and cuddly, and you call them a dork, well, that makes them feel all warm inside.
So when I call my dog “rat-face dork,” I mean it lovingly.
This is what I was singing to him the day he proved to me who the dork really is. I made up a song about Bodhi, the rat-faced stupid dog, and was singing it as I prepared his dinner. Everyone does this, right? You know: make up songs about your loved ones? Like this:
Bodhi, the rat-faced stupid dog,
Sitting there waiting for
dinner,
Looking so cute that he’s dorky,
And if I don’t hurry he’s gonna get thinner.
In Bodhi fashion, he sat there, his head cocked to the side, and just watched silently. Then he watched as I tripped over, I don’t know, apparently my own feet, spilling his entire bowl of food all over the ground as I landed with a thud, face forward on the floor. I lifted my head off the ground, and as I picked little kibbles and bits off my face, I saw Bodhi tilt his head even further to the side, and I could hear him think “Who’s stupid now?” Of course, he was kind enough not to say it.
That’s because Bodhi expresses his affection in a different way than us. You’ll never catch him offering a high five or a thumbs up, when he can instead jump in your lap and nuzzle his head in your crotch. In fact, he’s very affectionate. This can become a problem in our house.
Bodhi is just a puppy. He is cute and cuddly and looks remarkably like an Ewok from Return of the Jedi. Since I’m a huge fan of the Star Wars series, I love that he looks like an Ewok. However, I never realized that Bodhi is also a big fan of Star Wars. In fact, he’s such a huge fan that he likes to express his affection for the series on my kids’ stuffed Yoda doll. Yoda is nearly the same height and size as Bodhi, and maybe for this reason, of all the toys my boys have, Bodhi has become obsessed with defiling Yoda. No matter where the kids hide Yoda, Bodhi, my Ewok dog, will find him, bring him to the living room, and declare his fanboy status on Yoda like a scene from an Internet fetish site.
This affair has been going on for months. The first instance we know of was when my sister walked in on the two of them. She didn’t think we’d believe it, so she tried to catch it on film with her phone. Bodhi discovered she was filming and got mad and barked at her. Then he became emboldened about it. He took his affair out of the hidden corners of the kids’ room and began dragging Yoda into the living room while we were watching TV. He would enjoy a little public display of
affection until we’d notice and stop him.
At night when the boys would go to bed and my husband and I were watching television, we would hear the boys yelling, “Bodhi stop!” Then we’d see Bodhi skid down the hall followed by a number of stuffed animals being tossed at him. Even when they shut the door (they never shut it all the way), Bodhi would repeatedly bust through and grab Yoda and make a run for it.
That’s why of all the nicknames in our house—“Pancho,” “Skeeter,” “Seabass,” “Love,” “Babe,” “Honey,” “Hey you”—Bodhi got saddled with the best of them. He is now “Porno Dog”—when he is not “Bodhisattva,” “Bo-Dog,” “Dorky Dog,” “Circus Dog,” or “Dog Who Thinks He Is Boy.”
Yoda also had to get a new name and identity. However, to protect his identity, all I can say is he now works as a greeter at a Walmart somewhere in the Dagobah system.
Arts Editor Shelly Cone won’t tell you her nickname, but you can probably find it on her blog at shellycone.com or contact her at scone@santamariasun—and maybe she’ll tell you.
This article appears in Jun 16-23, 2011.