Warm up that hot-buttered rum, break out the Bing Crosby records, and get ready to max out your MasterCard; it’s time again for the gift guide that makes all other gift guides about as relevant as the Democrats in a lame duck session of Congress. Meant for white elephants or office Secret Santas, these tacky treasures probably aren’t going to win you any brownie points with the people in your life you actually care about, so caveat emptor.
First up in this year’s Hall of Shame is the Potty Putter, a miniature putting green intended for placement around the toilet so you can practice your short game while you, ahem, do your business. The slogan sounds like a worthwhile premise: “Why waste time on the toilet, when you can use it to get ready for the U.S. Open!” I’m intrigued and slightly horrified.
The whole setup includes a flag for the hole, a couple of golf balls, and an “occupied” sign to hang on the door, since your increased bathroom time is likely to cause visitors to wonder what on Earth you might be doing in there. There’s no warning label about the potential for increased hemorrhoids as a result of using this product, but there should be one. The Potty Putter retails for $27.49 from the aptly titled website Stupid.com. Oh yeah, and there’s a fishing game version, too.
Next, for the NASCAR-loving female (or possibly male) in your life, Harlequin Books has a whole series of NASCAR-themed romance novels with titillating titles such as Full Throttle, Speed Dating, and Dangerous Curves. I think you’ll agree nothing is more romantic than grease-stained racing suits and driving really fast in a circle. Unfortunately, the books aren’t officially licensed, so sorry to all the ladies pining for Jeff Gordon; you’ll just have to use some old-fashioned imagination.
Wannabe NASCAR drivers will appreciate their own personalized custom-recorded CD, “I Won at Daytona,” a 12-minute simulated radio broadcast of the Daytona 500, complete with sound effects, crowd noise, and the oft-repeated name of your giftee taking home the checkered flag. The CD is $19.99 from Skymall and is non-returnable, unless maybe your special fan’s name is John Smith.
As much as I hate to harp on NASCAR, it seems they’ll license anything. Take, for example, the NASCAR barbecue iron. It’s made of stainless steel and used to brand steaks and burgers with a favorite driver’s car number. Yours for a whopping $99.95, options include such racing luminaries as Greg Biffle, Jimmy Johnson, Matt Kenseth, and Tony Stewart and include the driver’s replica signature on their lacquered handle. As they say in the Carolinas, “Burn me up a Biffle!”
For the football fan who likes to relax on the couch on game day dressed like a stripper, a group on eBay offers feather-endowed headbands, dangly football earrings, a choker with pasties imprinted with footballs, and G-strings with various football-related mottos. Though not officially licensed by the NFL, the sexy ensembles (about $100 for the whole set) come in team colors listed by city. “Perfect for cheering your favorite team to victory,” the listing reads—well, whatever floats your canoe.
If the person you’re gifting likes dirt, Steiner Sports Memorabilia has your number. They’ve got coasters sandwiched with clumps of authentic dirt culled from the stadiums of all 30 professional baseball teams ($40 for sets of four). Apparently, the concept is big this year, because, from plaques and trophies to keychains and crystals, dirt is in, literally. However, if the fan on your list is more of a grass man, freeze-dried clippings from Yankee Stadium or chunks of real football turf from the old Texas Stadium or New Jersey’s Meadowlands are a perfect stocking stuffer at $30 apiece.
When shopping for that truly special sports fan, it becomes apparent the folks at Skymall have cornered the market on exorbitantly priced crap; perhaps this is why they typically cater to the travel-weary, jetlagged, and oxygen-deprived. Among their catalog offerings are authentic stadium bricks and actual seats from the old Yankee Stadium and Fenway Park (priced at $800 each, or a pair for $1,500). I don’t know how many butts have plopped in those chairs over the years, and I don’t want to, but I can only hope they’ve been sanitized. Let’s move on.
In the woods, nobody can hear you scream for your team, but “Look who the trees are rooting for!” Yes, that’s the actual slogan for “Forest Faces,” a series of creepy, resin-molded facial features topped with team caps and readymade to impale into trees with steel hooks. All the major pro sports and colleges are available at $19.99 a pop. If I ever see these things out in nature, I’m moving my tent, just so you know.
So you think you’ve saturated every square foot of your home in team logos? Think again. Now there’s Pro-Toast, the toasters that laser print your favorite team’s logo right on the bread. They’re available from Pangea Brands or eBay for the low, low price of $28.95, and every team in all the major sports is accounted for. It’s products like these that make me wonder why I didn’t become a full-time inventor.
Finally, eerily reminiscent of hunters’ trophies in some wealthy aristocrat’s most dangerous game, iAM Enterprises’ 3D Store sells disembodied heads of NFL quarterbacks mounted in a Plexiglas display case. Created using player models generated for EA Sports’ Madden video games, the 4-inch head-and-shoulder-pads sculptures sport baseball caps with appropriate team logos and colors. Specially priced for the holidays at $48.95, shoppers have their choice of Peyton Manning, Tim Tebow, Drew Brees, Mark Sanchez, Tony Romo, or Donovan McNabb. Can’t decide? You can purchase all six for $250.
It could be worse. You could’ve forked over $100 for a Shawne Merriman Bills’ jersey.
But what do I know? I’m just a bum, and that’s my view from the bleachers.
The Bleacher Bum can be contacted at jthomas@santamariasun.com.
This article appears in Dec 16-23, 2010.