Hey folks, it’s been a while since I rapped at ya’, and here we are at the end of another decade. Really? What happened to the last 10 years? It seems like only yesterday I was huddled in my underground bunker with my cans of creamed corn and Doritos, watching The Matrix and waiting for the lights to go out (or the mothership to land, whichever came first). Yet here we are, still alive and dashing headlong into another holiday season.
If you’re reading this right now, chances are you’re probably a sports fan, or know someone who is, and unless your name is Ebenezer Scrooge or Al Davis, you’re also probably on the lookout for goodies to surprise them with this Christmas. Alas, if you’re looking for gift-giving advice, you could do better than here. Seriously, this is for entertainment purposes only.
Now that we have that little disclaimer out of the way, let’s get to it:
For kids, sporting goods have always been a common sight under the Christmas tree. Right this moment, closets all across America are filled with unused hockey sticks and tennis rackets, sitting next to slightly used snowboards and rollerblades. I’m sure everyone at some point has received weights or an exercise machine as a gift, and I’ve never really understood the thought process behind that. Is it a subtle hint to the receiver that they’ve put on too many pounds since Halloween? It goes against the spirit of the season, I think. Santa Claus isn’t exactly the picture of fitness himself, and anyway, who wants another place to hang clothes?
So forget the standard gear. If you’ve got kids who really enjoy basketball, and you really want them to hate you, surprise them with Playair Systems’ Inflatable Defender. Sold as a way to build basketball skills and “go one-on-one against the Four-Time Defensive Player of the Year,” the Defender is basically a 7-foot-tall inflatable doll of Detroit Pistons’ center Ben Wallace that you position in front of a basketball hoop and … that’s it. That’s all it does. Oh, and did I mention it costs $50?
“You’ll improve your shooting arc by practicing shots over Big Ben’s outstretched arms,” the ad for the Defender says. “Dribble around Ben, come off his screens for open shots, or take it right to the basket over the big man.” Right.
I was into basketball when I was younger, and I always wanted an alarm clock that shot lasers and smoke as it went off, and instead of the annoying “beep-beep-beep,” a basketball announcer would scream “Annnndd noowwwwww it’s tiiiiiiiime to WAKE UP!” Then, the “The Final Countdown” would play while I jumped out of bed and pretend high-fived my “teammates” on my way to the bathroom. I was a weird kid.
As strange as some of the ideas for inventions I’ve had may be, I’m constantly amused at some of the products that actually do get made, and if there’s a product that’s been invented, chances are someone out there has slapped a team logo on it.
Football fans, for instance, can now show their devotion to their home team even in their most private moments. Etsy.com offers Cincinnati Bengals toilet seat covers for just $9.99. I’m serious. In fact, all 32 NFL teams are available. Look it up.
Speaking of tigers, if I were a certain successful pro golfer, I’d be asking Santa for self-defense classes and a really good divorce lawyer this year. But I digress.
If you’re like me, you know quite a few golfers, and for them, nothing says “I’m straight-up gangsta” like cruising the links in a pimped-out golf cart. An outfit called CMS in San Bernardino sells low-profile tires and 12-inch chrome rims for golf carts in their store and online for as low as $500 for a set of four. Want to go the other way with it? They’ve got lift kits, too. Get ’er done!
And no golf bag is complete without golf club covers representing the cavemen from the GEICO commercials and short-lived ABC series. Get it? Clubs and cavemen? Golfcow offers the covers, and at just $24.95, you can’t afford to pass them up.
Sports fans love memorabilia, but baseball cards and autographed baseballs are so last millennium. These days, it’s all about the game-worn jerseys, equipment, and apparel. Want a Minnesota Twins jacket? Of course not. But what if I told you it was the very jacket worn by former outfielder Gary Ward for all the Twins’ home games in 1982? Now you’re interested enough to fork over $600, aren’t you? And I thought Elvis fans were crazy for spending a fortune on the King’s sweat-stained handkerchiefs.
Authentic sports jerseys are all over the Internet. Amazon.com sells replica O.J. Simpson Bills’ uniforms for $300, gloves not included. Perhaps even more embarrassing, a site called Fans Edge still advertises a Ryan Leaf autographed San Diego Chargers jersey for $389.99 and, for an extra $200, “Mounted Memories” will encase it in a wood display. If there are any Chargers’ fans with memories of Ryan Leaf, they probably involve throwing the remote at the TV screen.
For some reason, the NFL seems to have the most ridiculous fan souvenirs. This season, the Dallas Cowboys moved on up into some ritzy new digs, and for the ’Boys fan in your life, how about a 3-inch-by-3-inch-square chunk of the old Texas Stadium Astroturf? It’s only $150 with the Buy-It-Now option on eBay and comes glued to a plaque along with a photo collage of key moments in the stadium’s history, none of which probably include Terrell Owens.
By the way, Owens, now on the Bills, has his own breakfast cereal called—you guessed it—“T.O’s.” Bidding on eBay for a box starts at $8.99, and the item is listed as a “collectible,” presumably because the honey nut-flavored O’s, much like Owens’ game, have long since gone stale.
And what’s football without dramatic highlight music? I think we can all agree that chores are boring, but give that special someone The Power and the Glory: the Music of NFL Films on CD to throw on the stereo during housework time, and even mundane tasks like cleaning the fishbowl will seem epic. It helps if you like to work in slow motion.
Finally, for the athlete in your life who’s always working up a sweat, consider stuffing their stockings (and other undergarments) with a bottle of Anti-Monkey Butt Powder. It’s a mixture of talcum and calamine powder “specially formulated to absorb excess sweat and reduce frictional skin irritation” i.e. the dreaded “chafing.” It’s available at most drugstores and hardware stores, and even comes in a ladies blend—in a pink bottle no less.
So that’s the list, and I hope you enjoyed it. As everyone knows, it’s better to give than receive. Contrary to some reports, I’m not tight with Santa, but if I were, my Christmas wish would be to give the Oakland Raiders and San Francisco 49ers new quarterbacks. Preferably ones who don’t need to be house trained. It would be a start.
But what do I know? I’m just a bum. And that’s my view from the bleachers.
The Bleacher Bum is still putting around with the “Executive Golf Set” he got for Christmas last year. He can be contacted at jthomas@santamariasun.com.
This article appears in Dec 17-24, 2009.