There’s nothing quite like Halloween to bring the kid out in all of us—except for maybe Christmas, Chuck E. Cheese, and the ring-ring of the ice cream man. With the ushering in of fall comes the invasion of Halloween “superstores” to all-too-common vacant retail spaces, reminding us it’s never too early to start thinking about costumes, and that the economy is still really, really bad.
So you’re not into politics. That Barack Obama vampire mask and oil-soaked British Petroleum Hazmat suit just aren’t doing it for you. But if sports are more of your thing, you’re in luck. There are all kinds of possibilities out there that don’t take a whole lot of planning or cash.
Sure, it seems a bit lazy to throw on that old Dikembe Mutombo Denver Nuggets jersey you’ve been hiding in the closet for the past decade and call it a costume, or take five minutes to throw on shoulder pads and apply shoe polish under your eyes for the generic linebacker look, but at least you’re getting into the spirit. However, if you want to step it up a notch, you’ve got to make some effort.
In my research, perusing the selection at the local costume shop proved little to be found in the way of originality. There’s the obvious zebra-striped referee attire, sexy cheerleaders aplenty, slutty figure skaters, Sumo wrestler fat suits, the human Wheaties box, and the “sleazy” bowler, which is basically just a bowling shirt and a ’70s porno mustache. But who needs those lame prepackaged costumes anyway?
A Nike visor, Nike vest, Nike gloves, and Nike socks make the perfect complement for Nike shoes, and—voila!—you too can be Tiger Woods. For extra realism, add a bent 3-wood and a little black-eye makeup and you’re ready to scare all the lawyers off the country club.
Another sports-related costume that looks to be a big hit this year is Kenny Powers. Who’s Kenny Powers, you ask? He’s the fictional washed-up baseball pitcher turned P.E. coach from the HBO series Eastbound and Down. To be honest, I’ve never seen the show, but I hear it’s hee-larious. Anyway, Amazon sells both a Kenny Powers costume wig (a $12.95 mullet) and a jersey T-shirt (for as low as $12.69) to help you portray the beer-swilling burnout. It’s both cheap and timely, and maybe somebody will recognize you and give you a sweet high-five. How cool would that be?
Amazon also sells LeBron James’ Miami Heat replica jerseys for less than $50. Hit up the local costume store for a monocle, top hat, and a pair of moneybags to complete the ensemble. If you can’t find a LeBron jersey, really, any Heat player will do. Bonus points if you choose center Zydrunas Ilgauskas.
Football more your style? With Michael Vick and his doggie treats so last year, how about growing out that beard stubble, picking up a walker, a pair of dirty Wranglers, and a Minnesota Vikings’ jersey, and going as Brett Favre? Better yet, how about Zombie Favre? He never seems to die! Or you could go out trick-or-treating clad only in a towel and tell people you’re fellow Viking Visanthe Shiancoe. Wait, that happened in 2008, I think. Didn’t it? If you don’t know who or what I’m referencing, it’s probably better you don’t find out. I warned you.
Sports mascot costumes are always a hit. If you’ve ever been dying to see what it’s like to be the Stanford Tree or the UC-Santa Cruz Banana Slug, make this year’s Halloween the one where you finally take the plunge. C’mon, live a little. Whatever you do, though, don’t try driving with a mascot costume on. It’s dangerous, and if you get caught, the police will make you take it off for your mug-shot photo. Trust me on this; they just don’t see the humor.
Speaking of mug shots, you could also hang one of those message boards with the name of an appropriate jail and a prisoner I.D. number around your neck, and be any one of the 50-plus pro football and basketball players arrested this year for serious crimes, including JaMarcus Russell, Braylon Edwards, Matt Barnes, and Udonis Haslem. Take your pick!
Sticking with the prison theme, if you’ve already tried dressing as Mike Tyson once in your life, with the temporary facial tattoo and rubber severed ear, Don King makes a suitable replacement. Just find a frizzy gray fright wig, some fake “bling,” and a cheap tuxedo—and at your work Halloween party, make sure to use big words completely out of context. You’re golden.
And while we’re on the subject of wigs, try snatching up a Justin Beiber wig before they’re all sold out, throw on a No. 12 New England Patriots’ jersey, and go around frightening people as Tom Brady. I hear his model/girlfriend Gisele won’t let him cut the moptop he’s sporting these days, and though I’m not sure how he fits the ’do under his helmet, if I were Tom Brady, I suppose I’d do anything she told me to.
Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis is another instantly recognizable caricature of himself who’s easy to emulate. All you need is a healthy dollop of Brylcreem to slick the hair back to an unearthly concrete-like hardness, a leisure suit, a cigar, and a pair of silver horn-rimmed spectacles on a chain. And with that extra greasy kid stuff, you could get a friend to go as Pat Riley, or a sports agent, and steal candy from children together.
But what do I know? I’m just a bum. And that’s my view from the bleachers.
The Bleacher Bum can be contacted at jthomas@santamaria sun.com.
This article appears in Oct 7-14, 2010.
