If you’re like me, you spend endless days and sleepless nights tossing and turning, tormented by one thought: Just what is the correct order of succession for the British monarchy?
You find it impossible to concentrate at work, and you’ve lost close friends and loved ones to your obsession. People have stopped responding to your 3 a.m. phone calls, begging them to help you remember if Maximilian Lascelles is No. 67 or No. 76 in line to the crown.
But now, thankfully, there’s help.
I’ve studied the history and political structure of our former overlords across the pond in depth, and I am now a better and much much more smarterer person. If I had friends or went to parties, I’d be able to impress them with my vast knowledge and expertise.
Before I get started, I’ve also recently seen a lot of people who are having trouble understanding what the United Kingdom is, what countries make up Great Britain, the lands under the rule of the monarchy, and how it all works, so I made a very simple explainer for you (you are welcome):
OK, so, you have the Land of the Enchanted Dragons, which gets two votes during the Summer Solstice and four votes on the Eve of the Knighting of the Ogre. That’s right next to the Island of the Fairy Queens which is also ruled by the Glen of the Meadow Elves, but they are NOT part of the Magical Dwarf Alliance, although they were once but decided to split into a separate thing, which meant they gave up two votes. Presiding over all of them is the Gathering of the Wizard Kings, but they do not get a vote in the Wielding of the Sword of Mystical Gargoyles, but they get three votes in the Naming of the Blind Mermaid. Now, that whole thing falls under the Monarchy of the Unicorn Princess, however, that is pretty much just an honorary title, and the monarch only votes in the case of a tie breaker. They also have a say in the democratic union of the Golden Nymph, but really that’s just a formality.
In order to figure out who gets to sit on the fancy throne and oversee all of that, they keep a big long list. (By the way, I hear the throne is made entirely out of Gouda cheese, but I have not confirmed this fact, so please do not hold me to it.)
In addition to the actual cherubin angels birthed by Barbie’s Fancy British Cousin, the people in the top 10 are mostly all the ones you already know: Hot Ginger, The One We Thought Would Be Hot But Went Super Bald At Like 30, Creepy One, Other Creepy One, Weight Watchers Lady’s Kids, and Wait, Who Are You Again?
But did you know that in total there are 100 people waiting in line to take the crown? The list is nothing short of spectacular.
All of these people sound like murder suspects in an Agatha Christie novel: 10. James, Viscount Severn
11. Lady Louise Windsor
15. Isla Phillips
16. Zara Tindall
18. David Armstrong-Jones, Earl of Snowdon
19. Charles Armstrong Jones, Viscount Linley
20. Lady Margarita Armstrong-Jones
These guys are all like, “Awesome, made it the Top 25! Now I can go on the tour!”
21. Lady Sarah Chatto
22. Samuel Chatto
23. Arthur Chatto
24. HRH Prince Richard, Duke of Gloucester
25. Alexander Windsor, Earl of Ulster (pretty sure this is the guy who killed Sherlock Holmes)
I bet all these people poop rose petals:
45. Isabella Windsor
46. Lady Gabriella Windsor
47. HRH Princess Alexandra, the Hon. Lady Ogilvy
These people riding it out here at the bottom are in what I call the “King Ralph” zone. A giant dinosaur riding a meteor has to take out all the other royal family members for them to have a shot at this.
97. Madeleine Johansen
98. Benedikte Ferner
99. Elisabeth Ferner Beckman
100. Benjamin Ferner Beckman
Some of these people are so fancy, they don’t even have names yet. Being called Lady “Name To Be Confirmed” Windsor must be a pain in the butt during TSA screenings. I can tell you exclusively, through this column, I have confirmed one of the unconfirmed names to be Griffyndoon Mundungus. Because like all stupid Americans, I only know to make puns about British names by referencing J.K. Rowling.
I know what it’s like to be in the shoes of the royal successors, as far as being the heir to a prestigious, timeless entity. I have a third cousin who owns a Whataburger franchise out in Tyler, Texas. If, heaven forbid, his kids die and my other two cousins die, and my uncle’s kids from his first marriage die, and both my cousin’s ex-wives die, I bet it would probably go to me.
That is a lot of pressure. Unlike the British monarchy, that Whataburger is universally beloved. My cousin said one time, this guy who coaches the baseball team at the high school came and ordered onion rings. So, obviously not everyone can handle that kind of pressure.
Rebecca Rose is 456,732nd in line for the British throne. Contact her at rrose@santamariasun.com.
This article appears in Oct 5-12, 2017.