Many times I, an accomplished professional journalism person, am approached by young cherubic aspiring writers and reporters seeking important words of inspiration or guidance for success in their career paths. Clearly I am the very best person for this, and since I am so clearly perfectly successful with no faults in any area, I have decided to offer some insight into the sacred writing process that I adhere on a regular basis.
The No. 1 thing that you absolutely must do as a writer, especially one as successful and famous as myself, is wait until the absolute last possible minute to start any writing assignment you are ever given. This is the only way to truly write like a real authentic writer, and trust me, all your editors will love you for it dearly. (Editor’s note: No, we won’t.)
The following is a precise and detailed description of my work process, which will hopefully get you up and motivated enough to go out there and chase your writing dreams. Enjoy:
Delete 15 unread emails from editor, with subjects ranging from “Hey, where’s your column,” to “Your column is seriously late,” to “SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU DON’T SEND YOUR COLUMN IN NOW!”
Mutter, “I have so much work to do,” 750 times while watching hamsters eat tiny-sized human foods for two hours on Reddit.
Reorganize that weird shelf in your pantry that has nothing but yeast packages and paper napkins from Taco Bell.
Pace for seven hours.
Write nine sentences (three of which are good), and exclaim, “Phew, writing is exhausting; I need a nap.”
Drink four vodka tonics because you’re having a hard time falling asleep for your nap.
Fueled by vodka and a lack of sleep, type a passive aggressive email to your ex-roommate in Phoenix asking why she never gave you back your cassette single of Britney Spears’ “Lucky.”
Pull out your copy of the soundtrack to the 1993 Broadway musical Crazy for You and convince yourself you can absolutely replicate all the song and dance numbers as well as you did when you originally performed them in your high school production 30 years ago.
Put ice on severely sprained ankle.
Call your mom to ask if she has pictures of you in that production of Crazy for You. Argue with your mother about your hair for 40 minutes. Tell your mother that no, you’re not going to “finally get a real job and quit this writing nonsense.”
Re-read every single article you have ever written in your life. Hear the voice of your first writing professor telling you, “You’re no Hemingway.”
Google “journalism salary outlook.” Google “culinary careers.” Google “how to make a souffle.” Put out small kitchen fire.
“No, Mr. Landlord. I don’t have a fire in my apartment. I don’t know, I didn’t see any smoke.”
Politely accept Alcoholics Anonymous brochures from fireman who came to check the fire in your apartment and tripped over four empty bottles of Jagermeister.
Drink leftover Jagermeister.
Re-re-read everything you have ever written and realize that you are a way better writer than Hemingway, who was a punk-ass bitch.
Finally begin writing column, which was due two days ago.
Rebecca Rose just needs a few more minutes to polish up her story. Contact her at rrose@santamariasun.com.
This article appears in May 10-17, 2018.