I think my wife is so smart, wise, and fantastic that I honestly believe she would be a great queen. I only say this because if she were a queen, that would automatically make me the king. And I have big plans as king.
First and foremost, I want to be the real king—not this Great Britain, royal family sort of king in name only with limited powers of monarchy. I want to be the “send him to the gallows” or “off with his head” kind of king—not that I would ever behead someone. I just want the sort of power that allows me the threat of beheading somebody if I need to use my authority to get some things done. Because I have things that need to be done. I am talking about making significant positive changes to our society. And I would start with the jellybeans.
If I were king, I would outlaw the placement of black jellybeans in the assorted jellybeans bag. I’m not a monster; I know some people like yucky black licorice-flavored jellybeans, and that’s fine. They can buy their own bag of black-licorice-only jellybeans. I just want my assorted jellybeans bag to be free of the disgusting surprise of inadvertently eating the gross licorice one. As a society, we don’t stick a dirty sock in the middle of a bag of Ruffles potato chips, so why do we stick a black jellybean in the middle of all the good-tasting ones? Because I’m not king yet, that’s why.
If I were king, MTV would play music videos 24 hours a day. This solves a couple of problems at once: First, we would watch music videos instead of damaging reality TV shows like Teen Mom or My Sweet 16. Second, there would be an immediate need for VJs and thus Pauly Shore would have a job again. I miss the weasel, and I would be helping solve unemployment.
If I were king, Taco Bell would deliver. No explanation needed.
If I were king, I would implement Hawaiian Shirt Fridays. This wonderful, mood-uplifting experience shouldn’t be limited to corporate cubicle employees; it should also be enjoyed by police officers, garbage men, and gynecologists. Everybody smiles a little brighter while wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Let’s give Friday some aloha!
If I were king, parents wouldn’t be able to bring their toddlers to rated R movies, ever. “R” stands for restricted for persons under the age of 17 without being accompanied by an adult. The “R” does not stand for recommended for toddlers along with their dumbass parents. I can’t enjoy full-frontal nudity and foul language when I am sitting one row back from a mother, her baby daddy, and their 3-year-old.
If I were king, farting in an elevator would be a felony. This is just uncool, people. It needs to be outlawed.
If I were king, when you had an appointment at 9:30 a.m. with your doctor, he or she would see you at 9:30 a.m., not 11:45 p.m. Just because doctors spend a decade in school, it doesn’t give them the right to make the rest of us spend a decade in their waiting rooms. And if waiting cannot be avoided, then as king I demand waiting rooms be stocked with current issues of Hot Rod magazine and Maxim, not Highlights from 2006.
If I were king, every couple who was about to get married would have to spend eight hours in family court watching other couples fight over child support, alimony, who gets to keep the house or the credit card debt, and other nonsense that happens to 50 percent of marriages.
If I were king, Friday Night Lights would be back on television, tonight. This request is specific for the queen, my wife, whom I love. She is a big fan of Taylor Kitsch, the actor who played Tim Riggins on the show. I think she likes him because he and I look so similar.
If I were king, when a radio station says it’s going to have an all ’90s weekend, I want all ’90s. Stop sneaking in songs from the ’80s and the 2000s. It’s just sloppy disc jockey work. Instead of enjoying grunge music, I spend most of my time arguing and yelling at the radio, “This song is from 1989!” This frustration is a total waste of my time and energy.
If I were king, alcohol and gambling would be allowed for parents at high school sporting events. Let’s be honest here: Watching JV girls’ soccer just isn’t that exciting. But throw a couple of Coronas down my throat and put a hundred bucks on the winner; suddenly it is the greatest game in the world.
OK, all kidding aside here, I do have one thing that I think should be a law, whether I’m king or not, and it isn’t jellybeans. So get ready to write your state legislator to help push this along. If I were king, anybody who has been convicted of a DUI would be required to drive a car with a special red license plate for five years. The bottom of the license plate would say “Convicted Impaired Driver,” and we would all be able to see these foolish folks coming. If a required person is caught driving a vehicle without the red license plate, that vehicle is impounded for 30 days. Don’t drink and drive, and if you do, you get the scarlet plate.
If Rob were king, Man Overboard would be in every newspaper in America.
This article appears in Feb 28 – Mar 7, 2013.