The air is crisp and chill, the pumpkins have been harvested, and the corn stalks are drying out in the golden, auburn fields under a soft gray mist. It’s autumn, my favorite time of year, and November is nearly over. That can mean only one thing: There’s a frenzy of activity in the frozen turkey sections of the local grocery stores.
I know that many of you are starting to feel the stress of the season. Women stress and plan their Thanksgiving dinner weeks in advance. They become field marshals, planning with precision every maneuver required for the arrival of troops of family and friends on T-Day. There are menus to plan, groceries to buy, baking to do, a bird to be stuffed, potatoes to peel, tables to set, dishes to wash, and occasional family battles to settle. Finally, the night before the big event, we ladies must guard our pies and rolls from marauding husbands, brothers, friend, or foe.
Men, on the other hand, are stressed about which team is going to win the big game, how long the NBA lockout will last, whether they will be forced to drive to the market on T-Day for backup supplies or the crucial box of corn starch, and dodging jabs with a wooden spoon in enemy territory while attempting to snag a forbidden piece of pie on Wednesday night.
I thought I would share a few tips to help all of you get through T-Day stress free and thankful for more than just that post-dinner tryptophan buzz. These are my tried-and-true methods, learned from my mother and grandmother and their mothers before them.
Tip No. 1: Reconnoiter your bird several days ahead. There are three reasons for this. First, turkeys take a few days to thaw out slowly in the fridge, so you’ll want start that process on Monday, but no later than Tuesday, depending on the size of your bird. Never thaw poultry on the counter unless you want to spend turkey day in the ER with salmonella poisoning or worse. Second, the darned things take up a lot of room, leaving little space for the myriad other items I must stock up on, so I always reserve a fresh, thawed bird for Wednesday pick-up from the butcher.
Finally, wait until Monday or Tuesday, and you may end up with choosing between a 28-pound pterodactyl or a 10-pound poult (the term for turkey chicks—yes, there’s a term for young turkeys). And shop too late at your own risk. The last time I did that, I found myself battling over a frozen carcass with a feisty great-grandma who, I am certain, has done time!
Tip No. 2: Are family and friends joining you for dinner? Get it into your head that you are not, nor do you have to be Martha Stewart, damn her! Let them help you. Have someone else bake a pie, bring the rolls, or make that stupid green bean casserole everyone has to have. Round up your troops to peel potatoes, stuff the bird, wash dishes, and take out trash. Have the kids set the table and help clear it after dinner. TiVo that game and get everyone to help with clean-up and dishing up pie. Keeping everyone involved and busy gives them purpose and can even help keep the peace. It also allows for a breather. Put your feet up for a minute and have a cup of tea.
Tip No. 3: This one’s for the men, so pay attention. That includes you, Krider! Stay out of our kitchens! That’s right, our kitchens. While we are masterminding the great feast, the kitchen becomes our control room and T-Day HQ. Understand this and you will survive. Do not act like a turkey, but help out and you will be rewarded. If we need something from the market, gallantly volunteer to go. Get the kids out of the house for awhile, and take everyone out for pizza or a burger on Wednesday night. The last thing we need to do is cook dinner on the eve of T-Day. Offer to bring us something. Nothing says “I love you” like an In-N-Out burger when we have been surrounded by food all day and had no time to eat. Finally, men, we will bestow the Purple Heart and Giblets medal of honor to any hubby who makes us that cup of tea and throws in a foot massage while we sip it.
Tip No. 4: Keep your sense of humor and perspective. If there are lumps in the gravy, they become an added bonus: dumplings! Is the pie crust a little over-baked? A little carbon is good for you! Is the stuffing a little dry? Add a small amount of chicken broth and warm in the microwave or, better yet, pour on some of that gravy and dumplings!
Tip No. 5: Take time to really be thankful. Ladies, say thank you to all who helped out. I loved having my face stroked by my mom’s hands when she gave me a thank you kiss. They smelled of onions, sage, and cinnamon—mmmmm! Gentlemen, thank all who fed you and allowed you time to enjoy the big game. Keep the yelling to a minimum and be generous with your bear hugs.
I am thankful for my wonderful British husband who endures T-Day with his usual, confused valor, and grandson Mini-Brit, who helps clarify what the bloody hell is going on for his GrandDad. I am also thankful for the other two humorists who share this space each week, Rob Krider and Shelly Cone. You guys make me laugh and raise the bar. I am very thankful for a most wonderful editor, Ryan Miller, for being so magnanimous with deadlines and word counts.
Finally, I am thankful for you, my readers. Thank you and have a lovely Thanksgiving. All right, now gather your troops and stuff that bird!
Ariel Waterman loves sharing pumpkin pie with her little pumpkin and giving her husband the bird. Send turkey leftover recipes via her editor, Ryan Miller, at rmiller@santamariasun.com.
This article appears in Nov 17-24, 2011.