As I sit here on my beloved piece of pine bench, I think back to four years ago when my health mission officially began. Back in those days, the pine bench would have sagged beneath the unhealthy 185 pounds that I carried around. People have often asked me, “How did you do it?” More times than not, they were shocked to hear that I lost 45 pounds without whacked-out diets, fitness binges, or far-fetched supplements. I accomplished my weight loss using the most effective method: a lifestyle change—healthy diet, consistent workouts, and determination.
Perhaps that’s why I get so irritated and/or annoyed when I turn on the television and see advertisements for some kind of weight loss pill or weird weight loss equipment or “quick fix” plans. It blows my mind that in 2015, a large majority of humans are still under the highly false impression that weight loss and fitness can be achieved without actually working out. Just to be clear, the definition of working out is: a session of vigorous physical exercise or training. Weight loss requires working out, and working out means you have to sweat.
I don’t much care that I’m not a bona fide personal trainer, and I wouldn’t even go so far as to say I’m a fitness guru. But I’ve walked the walk and had results that have lasted—and the method was simple! I didn’t have to drink liquids for a week or wear some electrocuting ab device to make it work. So in an attempt to clear up any confusion, I dedicate this Benchwarmer to five of the stupidest fitness trends of 2015 (I only have time for five because there are a lot of stupid ones out there), in order from REALLY stupid to slightly less stupid.
The Waist Trainer
Call it the modern corset if you will, because nothing says fitness like time-traveling back to the 1840s to suck all your junk up into the right places. Never mind that those unfortunate women of the past had deformed rib bones from said corsets, but hey, they had a tiny waist. Apparently, the past has come back to haunt us in the form of this new fitness contraption, which has gained unnecessary popularity through social media. These contraptions, with a myriad of hooks and zippers, are intended to promote weight loss. Women wear these in the hopes of achieving the ever-desired hourglass figure. Apparently, the sweat produced while wearing a waist trainer is the equivalent of a 30-minute workout.
The problem: For one damned thing, the popularity of the waist trainer has been spurred on by reality television star and resident idiot with too much money Kim Kardashian. I don’t think it’s a good idea to choose a fitness plan from someone who has obtained most of their looks and figure with collagen and surgery. Kardashian should’ve stuck to making sex tapes—which leads to a more legitimate “workout” than a waist trainer.
The fallacy of all this “waist gang” crap is that it’s really just for looks—it helps put things in all the right places. However, there is no research that supports this is a legitimate form of weight loss, in fact it can cause dehydration because wearers are shedding water weight.
Lastly, there is a plethora of different body types in the world, and not all of them are destined for an hourglass figure.
The Shake Weight
Soooooo, when I first saw these being advertised in stores and on TV, I thought it was a joke. I mean really? These things are a tribute to the 1950s lap belts that would apparently shake the fat right off your bones. But alas, it’s real and what’s more—people actually think it works.
The problem: Shake Weights are nothing more than a gimmick to suck $20 from some poor, naïve sap. Shaking weight off is not possible, nor will you find any research to support that notion—weight loss and muscles will not result from a “shake and bake” method. Perhaps stupid things like the Shake Weight could be avoided if people understood how your body builds muscle. People are better off buying actual dumbbells and working arms with traditional exercises like curls and presses.
The Hawaii Chair
Reading the name, I wasn’t aware it had anything to do with exercise, but apparently I was deceived. Then I began to wonder, do you hula dance around the chair? Juggle pineapples and do step ups? Believe it or not, those would be more exercise than using the chair the way it is intended. By far the most opportunistic offender, the Hawaii Chair has a swiveling base that is supposed to tone your abs while you sit.
The problem: It’s really rather simple—sitting is the antithesis of exercise because I’m pretty sure (unless you have a perspiration issue) sitting does not lead to sweating. But, the individuals who designed these chairs are now millionaires thanks to people who didn’t know any better.
Weight loss pills/powders/diet fads
There really is a pill for everything, even weight loss and fat burning. I like to call it the “lazy man’s method for fitness.” Weight loss in a pill or powder is too good to be true, and it’s ineffective. Diet fads are things like the Paleo diet, Atkins, juicing, etc.
The problem(s): Weight loss pills and powders are more damaging than helpful—the ingredients can be damaging to your heart. And sorry, you will actually have to move your body to make weight loss happen. A pill won’t do it for you—but don’t get me started on pills in America. If you want to try a supplement, try drinking green tea, which is great for boosting metabolism.
As for fad diets, those willing to jump on those bandwagons should ask themselves this: Is it a lifestyle I can maintain? Sure, eating like a “caveman” is great, but it’s very hard to eat like that all the time. Dieting is passé. True results come from healthy lifestyle changes, meaning you change your perception of why you eat, and understand what happens when you put certain foods in your body. These fad diets produce quick results, but it’s best to stick to the old adage when it comes to fat loss: The slower it comes off, the longer it stays off.
Celebrity fitness tapes/21 day fix
From Jane Fonda to Cher to that obnoxious dumbass from Jersey Shore who always pulled up his shirt to show off his steroid-induced abs, there are a lot of celebrities out there who’ve endorsed some kind of workout tape. The latest craze is the 21 Day Fix, and while this program might actually work, what happens after the 21 days? Do you keep going or is it like a 21 day magic spell and everything is bibbidi-bobbidi-fit?
The problem: While workout tapes are convenient because you can work out at home, the issue is there’s no one there to supervise you and make sure you’re performing the moves properly, which can sometimes lead to injuries. And just because they’re endorsed by celebrities (who more than likely pay personal trainers) doesn’t mean they’re safe or effective.
The bottom line is this: Fitness is a marathon, not a sprint. If you want to achieve lasting results in a safe and healthy manner, then you have to put in the work; you have to sweat it out (sweat is magic, cover yourself in it daily). Pills, corsets, and shaking contraptions just lead to more health issues and a temporary kind of fitness.
If you want real results, get in on a trend that works like CrossFit, group fitness, or personal training. Seek out a nutritionist or research healthy lifestyle changes. Get the right information. Better yet, learn how the human muscular system works and how your muscles respond to certain exercises! Fitness is a lifelong commitment that can’t be worked around through bullshit fads, diets, and equipment that have no research to support their effectiveness.
But what do I know? I’m just a Benchwarmer—and a fitness junkie. Sweat on, sports fans.
This article appears in Nov 12-19, 2015.