Imagine the voice of one of those smooth-talking, enthusiastic boxing announcers: “We have a big heavyweight match-up here tonight, folks. It’s a championship bout, with everything on the line. It’s fight night at the Krrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriders!
“In this corner, weighing in, according to her driver’s license, at 130 pounds: ‘The wife, whom he loves,’ Mrs. Krider!”
My wife stands in the corner of the ring, which is actually the kitchen, her eyes fixed on me. She looks intent to pull my head off and stuff it into a crock pot.
“And in this corner, weighing in at a portly 195 pounds, body by Budweiser: Rob ‘The Man Overboard’ Krider!”
I stand in the other corner, furious and pacing. I move my body around and try to stay loose. I’m ready for anything.
A couple of boxing commentators sit ringside, at the breakfast bar, and size up the competition: “This is looking to be a very interesting fight between these two. What do you think, Jim?”
“I couldn’t agree more, Dick. These two have been building up to this night for a long time now. Each has their own axe to grind, and each uses a very different fighting style.”
“That’s true, Jimbo. Mrs. Krider is queen of the ‘offense is the best defense’ method of arguing. Her mind is shrewd; she never forgets a thing.”
“The last time these two met in the ring, which was two months ago in the laundry room, Mrs. Krider pulled an unbelievable uppercut when she threw down an incident that happened in college before these two were even married. That’s tough stuff to go against. Rob will have a lot of baggage to overcome tonight.”
“You know, Dick, I agree. Rob has much to contend with in a match against Mrs. Krider, but don’t forget, Rob is the king of the ‘It Could Be Worse’ mixed martial arts style. He’ll compare himself to Charles Manson in an argument if he thinks it will make him look like a better person. Once, while trying to explain why he didn’t put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket, he said it could be worse, he could be sleeping with a younger woman.”
“Wow! That has not worked well for him in the past. I would say that between these two, Mrs. Krider has the reach and the advantage going into tonight. The question is: Will Rob finally blow up, lose his cool, and stoop low enough to say something he will truly regret?”
“Great point, Dick. If Rob goes to that move, he may win the round, but he will probably lose the fight, and with her incredible memory, he will definitely lose the war. Wait, that’s the sound of the bell and the beginning of round one.”
“Rob moves toward the middle of the ring and tries to tap gloves, but Mrs. Krider won’t have any of it. She wants to mix it up right away. She throws the first punch!”
“I want to know how you can find the time, the money, and the motivation to go racing with your buddies, but you can’t be bothered to plan a vacation with your family!?”
“Ouch Dick, she lands a jab right on the nose of the Man Overboard, and he takes it without flinching!”
“This is textbook fighting style for Mrs. Krider. This fight actually began over lack of money in the bank account and already she has turned the tide and started in on Rob’s social life. And Rob retaliates!”
“Really? Am I one of those guys who sits around on his ass all day watching TV? I’m out playing with the kids all the time, regardless if we’re on vacation. I’m not out drinking till 2 a.m., looking at other women.”
“Dick, Rob is falling into his usual—although unsuccessful—fighting routine. Mrs. Krider has seen this before and knows how to defend it. She’s coming back.”
“I don’t care what other husbands do. I only care about you, me, and the kids’ vacation.”
“Rob attempts to block.”
“What does our family vacation have to do with the fact that our bank account is overdrawn?”
“Uh oh, Jim, these two are entangled. No one is getting anywhere; the referee is going to have to pull these two apart. Mrs. Krider pushes away and then lets him have it.”
“Our account is overdrawn, and we can’t afford a vacation because you keep spending money we don’t have on stupid car projects!”
“Mrs. Krider is coming at Rob hard and with a vengeance, Dick.”
“She sure is, Jim. Now she’s come full circle and put the whole thing on Rob’s shoulders. She has great technique to always keep the pressure on.”
“Oh! Now Rob throws one below the belt!”
“It’s your job to pay attention to the bank account. I’m the one who makes the money. You’re the one who manages it. Did I forget to do my job? NO! I made the same money as last month! You failed to do your job, and now we’re overdrawn. This is your fault!”
“Rob is really letting her have it. And … oh, what is this? Mrs. Krider is pulling the ultimate submission move. Unbelievable!”
“You’re right, Dick. I see the tears coming down her cheeks now. This puts Rob in a very precarious situation. How will he react? Will he submit? Oh, he’s doing it. I don’t believe it! You’re seeing it right here, folks. Rob is apologizing to his wife for making her cry. This fight will go to decision with Mrs. Krider clearly in the lead. Rob will lose, and Mrs. Krider will remain champion of the household.”
“Oh boy, Jim, that was a tough match. It’s good to see they are hugging, and he’s comforting his wife, but in the end, the bank account is still in overdraft. He feels bad for hurting her feelings while she gets the win and keeps the belt.”
“Well folks, tune in next time for the Ultimate Fighting Chump and see if Rob ever gets the chance to win an argument.” m
After the fight, the loser went out and bought his wife, whom he loves, flowers—only putting the Kriders deeper into the red.
This article appears in Oct 1-8, 2009.
