I was up at 6:30 a.m. on Saturday morning, forcing myself to chug a (poorly) homemade almond milk latte before embarking on the four-ish-hour journey from San Luis Obispo to San Francisco.
It was time for Outside Lands.
In case you live under a rock: Outside Lands (OSL) is an annual three-day music and arts festival that takes place in Golden Gate Park. It’s the only festival I’ve ever considered attending, since the other options seem to require a weird affinity for camping in the desert with a bunch of half-naked people. No thank you. I’d rather pair my festival experience with fellow Giants fans and Karl the Fog.
Overall, the experience was a success—I saw good performers, met good people, and ate good food. But my weekend was not without its faux pas, and that’s what I’m here to help you avoid when you make the best decision of your life and also choose to attend OSL someday.
OSL lesson No. 1: Uber surge pricing is real
Some 70,000 people packed into Golden Gate Park for this year’s OSL, so when the music faded out at 9 p.m. each night, we were dealing with tens of thousands of sheeple herding toward the park’s exits—and Ubering home.
On Sunday, following Lana del Rey’s (wonderfully intoxicating) performance, my photographer and I exited the park and marched down to Geary Boulevard, where we hailed an Uber and took the same ride home as we had the previous night—without waiting a buffer hour.
That 15-minute ride cost us $80.
According to Uber, when a lot of people are trying to leave the same place at the same time, the company surges its pricing to “ensure that you can request and receive the quick and convenient pickup you rely on.”
Translation: When you and 69,999 flower-crowned Lana-Del-Rey-crazed 17-year-old girls are trying to Uber the hell out of Golden Gate Park at the same time on the final night of OSL, Uber can charge you whatever it wants, and you’ll just have to pay it.
My suggestion for you is to take a cab instead, or download Lyft, which will give you $10 off each of your first five rides.
OSL lesson No. 2: Get over yourself
First off, do not dress to impress. Literally no one cares what you look like. In fact, the weirder you look, the more compliments you’ll get—this is San Francisco.
Also consider the city’s famous summer weather: really freaking cold. Like, gloves-and-a-beanie cold. We don’t have much of that around the Central Coast—especially not in August—but don’t underestimate the magic of layers on a windy night in San Francisco. After all, which would you rather be: bulky but warm, or Instagram-ready but frozen?
That brings me to my second point: Put away your phone. The sheer volume of Snapchatters at OSL overcrowds the network anyway—so no, Pokémon Go won’t load properly. And either way, you’re in the middle of what could be an incredible weekend. You don’t want to spend it staring at that little personality prison we call a smartphone. Look up, be aware, be awake, and don’t be that guy who keeps walking straight into people because he’s too busy taking selfies to pay attention to his actual environment.
Third: Don’t worry about being at the front of the crowd. At an intimidating 5-foot-1, I have trouble seeing the stage no matter where I’m standing at a show, and I learned quickly at OSL that sometimes the fringe crowds are the most fun. In the back, there’s freedom to dance like an idiot and strike up conversations. I’d pick that over getting stepped on and yelled at by frat stars at Zedd (this actually happened) any day.
OSL lesson No. 3: Don’t get too attached to your plan
If OSL taught me one thing, it was to loosen up, because things will go wrong. Two of your favorite bands will overlap on the schedule. You will show up at one stage to see Kehlani, only to learn her slot was swapped with Griz’s. You will miscalculate the food costs and run out of beer money after day one. You’ll accidentally shell out your life’s savings for an Uber ride.
But you can still have fun. Run back and forth between those two bands you’re dying to see and don’t fret about scoring the perfect standing spot. Enjoy your time at Griz, and listen to Kehlani on the ride home in tribute to her show that you missed. Maybe even give up on your dreams of festival drunkenness—it could actually be a weekend worth remembering. In my case, it certainly was.
Brenna Swanston will be back next year. Send your festival musings to bswanston@santamariasun.com.
This article appears in Aug 18-25, 2016.