My daughter has been literally hanging on my leg and begging me for a cell phone since the moment she popped out of the womb. Her first word wasn’t “mama” or “dada,” it was “Blackberry.” For years, I’ve continued to argue with her that there was no way she was getting a cell phone. She had no reason to have a phone—she had nobody to call since no one else her age had a cell phone. She needed to concentrate on more important things, like potty training.
As the years went by, the fight to secure a cell phone waged on, and I tried to convince my daughter she didn’t need one by using this thing called logic. But since my little girl is the spawn of my wife, whom I love, logic means absolutely nothing in an argument. What really matters, what really has actual weight in a disagreement, is want a female wants. What a female wants is the all-powerful force, which actually means something in this world. What a man wants is merely a suggestion, an anecdote, an afterthought maybe. Any married man will tell you that until a woman gets what she desires, there shall be no peace.
So here was the conundrum I faced: My daughter wanted a cell phone. I mean she really, really, really wanted one. I was convinced—beaten down, but convinced. The problem was my wife absolutely forbade it. What was I to do, other than buy a motorcycle and disappear to Costa Rica?
The real complication came along when our sixth grade son, due to some after-school activities, actually had a legitimate need for a cell phone (arguably, if there even is such a thing for a sixth grader). Cell phones for kids realistically are just ways for parents to feel better about leaving their kids alone for any length of time. This way we can keep tabs on them (GPS location type of tabs). It is Big Brother for mom and dad.
Once the discussion began at my house about children’s cell phones, my kids began to lobby that they “needed” cell phones because they “had” to have them. When I inquired further why it was so important to have phones, they both admitted that it was “important” that they have them to look cool and to show their friends. Actually making phone calls was not in the equation.
My wife’s completely un-thought-out plan was to buy one cell phone and let our kids share it. I couldn’t believe my ears. “That’s the plan really? Let the kids share the cell phone? The same two kids who can’t even share an order of French fries without starting World War III?”
“Yes, that’s my plan. They don’t even really need one cell phone, let alone two. I’m certainly not going to buy two phones, just so my fourth-grade daughter can have one.”
“I agree. I grew up without a cell phone, and I turned out basically marginal. It’s ridiculous to give a fourth grader a cell phone, but if we are going to buy one, we might as well buy two, unless you enjoy hearing our kids fight with each other. Personally, I think nine bucks more a month for another number is a freakin’ bargain not to have to listen to the kids bicker.”
My wife, who thinks she has everyone in the family (and the rest of the planet) under her spell 24/7, said, “They aren’t going to bicker, because I’ll tell them not to.”
“Oh, that should do it. I should have thought of ‘that’ all these years of parenthood.”
We had this revealing conversation right in front of the poor kid at the wireless phone store counter who was holding two new phone boxes in his hand, hoping we would buy both to help his commission. My wife suddenly got embarrassed and walked away from the counter, leaving me to handle the cell phone dilemma.
What did I decide? Well, my fourth-grade daughter now has a wireless phone armed with an mp3 player, digital camera—the works. She texts, she checks her voicemail, she calls me from the back of the house and asks if dinner is ready. We’ve—or as my wife would tell you, “I’ve”—created a multimedia monster.
My kids quickly became very savvy phone techies. Their phones were loaded with songs, photos, and, surprisingly, their friends’ wireless phone numbers within hours. Even though they could download mp3s with the greatest of ease, neither of them could seem to answer their phones when I called them. The whole idea behind buying them a phone was so I could get a hold of them whenever, wherever. My kids haven’t quite grasped that concept.
My kids not answering their cell phones gets me upset pretty fast. I was already in enough hot water with my wife for buying the things, and then I couldn’t even get my kids to use the phones correctly. I’d call, I’d text, I’d leave voicemail, but the kids wouldn’t answer. After I finally got a hold of them, I would ask, “Why didn’t you answer your phone?”
“It was turned off.”
“Why was it turned off?”
“I wasn’t using it.”
“You leave your phone on so I can get a hold of you, or I will take the phone away from you!”
“Dad, if you take my phone, then how would you get a hold of me?”
Rob says the good news is now his kids can teach him how to actually use some of the special features on his cell phone.
This article appears in Mar 5-12, 2009.