What happens when you install artificial turf along Broadway Street in Santa Maria? The city freaks out!
Well, eventually the city freaks out.
The Jiffy Lube on Broadway got itself into a heap of trouble for apparently not continuing its communication with the city over some artificial turf that was installed at the location earlier in 2015.
Because, and I bet you didn’t know this, it’s illegal to install artificial turf as landscaping along major thoroughfares in the city. I’ll bet City Council members are just learning that tidbit of information! It’s buried in the city’s massive stack of codes as Municipal Code 12-20.80.
Jiffy Lube franchisee Sean Porcher got notice the day he came back from a lovely New Year’s Eve weekend that if he didn’t shape up by Jan. 15, $2,500 in fines per day were coming. Up to $100,000 could be levied against him. Hello, new bank account!
That’s a ton of cash. Way more than the $30,000 Porcher and company spent to dig up drought-intolerant landscaping and replace it with something that doesn’t use any water—like zero water. Nada de agua. Zilch! Well, to be fair, that money went to installing artificial turf at four Jiffy Lube locations on the Central Coast: Santa Maria, Arroyo Grande, Goleta, and San Luis Obispo.
None of the other cities even batted an eye at the move.
But according to a very specific law that’s been on Santa Maria’s books since the 1970s, Porcher stepped into a heap of unsatisfying conversations for not knowing to check with the city for landscaping permits. Who knew you’d have to check with the city before installing drought-tolerant landscaping?
“In hindsight, I guess that would have been a thing to look at, but I never thought in a million years that the city wouldn’t allow drought-tolerant landscape,” Porcher told a Sun reporter.
Well, actually, it sure depends on what your definition of “landscape” is.
According to city Planning Division Manager Peter Gilli, “We at the city are fully in support of drought tolerant landscaping. We don’t call artificial turf landscaping though.”
But, for the record, mulch and tanbark are banked under the “landscape” category for Santa Maria.
Here’s what city code 12-20.80 states: landscape is the “configuration of trees, shrubbery, and other plant materials, earth patterning, and bedding materials in conjunction with open space. It shall not be construed to mean artificial turf.” SHALL NOT!
How dare he construe? And, unfortunately for city business owners, Porcher isn’t the only guy to make that mistake. As he got the idea to install turf in the first place from other businesses on the same street. Sizzlin Gogi, across Broadway from Jiffy Lube, also has a nice swath of fake green out front, along that main drag. And yes, that little action also put the restaurant out of compliance and into conversations with the city, although that communication hasn’t quite reached the climax that Jiffy’s did.
Gilli told a Sun reporter that a handful of city businesses are having issues with that whole “landscape” definition thing. But, before you hotrods peel out to buy a bunch of mulch and river pebbles to cover your front yard with, you should know another little tidbit about Santa Maria’s municipal code: 15 percent of a landscape needs to be “living.”
Although, I hope the city’s definition of “living” aligns with everyone else’s, there is a possibility that it might not. I mean, “landscape” seems pretty straightforward.
There’s actually a list of trees, shrubs, and other lifelike type things that the city allows its residents and business owners to decorate their yards with. The Landscape and Irrigation Standards are pretty specific. Almost ridiculously so. And they were revised in 2007, so they’re not real drought savvy.
It kind of creeps me out that a code compliance officer could drive by my property and stomp on the brakes because there in my front yard sits an Asian sumac tree rather than an African sumac tree. What if it was brought here by my great aunt Lucy who died delivering it to my front door? Lord Jesus! I wonder what the fine on that would be. Asian trees aren’t allowed. Only African!
Well, that’s not completely true. You can grow a Japanese pagoda tree or a Chinese flame, so you can cover all your continental bases, if you’re into that kind of thing.
And if you want something to change, heaven forbid you reach out to city Mayor Alice Patino. Porcher said he’s tried to get ahold of her several times and still hasn’t heard back from her yet. Patino doesn’t answer to the people! Dammit, she answers to no one!
She probably has a good excuse, like vacation or something. But, when you’re trying to make a change and don’t hear back from “the [wo]man,” it feels pretty poopy. In fact, Porcher was so fed up with everything by the time the city basically threatened him with the code compliance order, that he took his qualms to Facebook!
The great equalizer.
He said he was shocked with the amount of play it got: 330 shares as of Jan. 5. Whoa Nelly! That’s not even close to viral status, but as far as Santa Maria goes, that’s lots of eyes on the prize.
I don’t know, maybe Porcher could plant some medical cannabis on his property to get himself up to that 15 percent “living” requirement, but that’s not going to work either! The city just banned that, too. For political reasons, of course! In his open letter to the city of Santa Maria, Porcher wrote:
“What is a local business owner supposed to do when faced with the dilemma of doing the right thing or doing what is right for the politicians in Santa Maria?”
I wouldn’t want to undo part of a $30,000 investment either.
The Canary is glad that all she has to landscape is the bottom of a cage. Send comments to canary@santamariasun.com.
This article appears in Jan 7-14, 2016.