Everyone knows there are two specific things on this planet that men absolutely can’t avoid staring at. This neck-jerk reaction is buried deep in their DNA, and thus men should not be judged. They are wired to at least take a quick glance and see what they’re missing out on. It’s part of evolution. Even if a man is standing next to his wife, it doesn’t matter. If that man walks by these two things, his head will turn, every time—guaranteed. Don’t hate on men for this. Man can’t help it. If man sees these things he instantly wants to touch and play with them. Obviously, it’s clear what I’m talking about, and I know that you know when I say “two specific things men can’t avoid looking at,” I’m speaking about go-karts and jet skis.
I am no different than every other red-blooded American male. I frigging love go-karts and jet skis. These machines are awesome. You can go fast, feel the wind in your face, and experience true freedom. And the best part is, go-karts and jet skis are machines, so they never get a headache on a Wednesday night. In my heart I believe that if everyone drove to work on a go-kart or a jet ski, people would be happier in their jobs, workplace violence would plummet, and the gross national product would double in two weeks.
But recently my theory on saving the economy through mandatory go-kart and jet ski commuting policies was shaken a bit by an opposing outlook. It turns out that some women don’t feel the same passion for go-karts and jet skis that men do. I know, I know, this is a really crazy concept. I didn’t understand it either. Why wouldn’t women love go-karts and jet skis just like men? These things are the super funnest things to ride on the planet. They are like an 11 on the awesome meter. By saying women don’t find go-karts and jet skis interesting is like saying that men and women are completely different beings. I guess I just don’t understand women; which is weird since I’ve been married to one of them for 19 years. I want to add here that those 19 years have been the happiest years of my life, just in case she’s reading.
To better understand this conflict of opposing ideals between men and women and cool recreational vehicles, I headed to the lake. Luckily for me, my brother-in-law owns a wake boarding boat and a jet ski. For these two reasons, obviously, he is a good brother-in-law to have. In most cases the best you can hope for in a brother-in-law is a guy who brings back most of the tools he borrows from your garage. But in my case, I got a brother-in-law who lets me ride his jet ski. Thank you brother, and FYI, I have left a very special gift for you in my will.
The whole family ventured to the lake to enjoy some sun, sand, and jumping wakes. I figured this would be a great opportunity to expose my wife to the joys of jet skiing. Maybe I could show her the light, so she could prove my theorem. My brother-in-law’s jet ski is a two seater, with a monster engine that will go from zero to around 50 knots in just a few seconds. I told my wife to jump on the back so we could go for a cruise. She replied with a curt “No.”
“What do you mean, no? Let’s go take a little ride around the lake, you and me. It will be romantic.”
“I don’t trust you.”
“What? Trust me to do what? I just want to enjoy a little boat trip with you. Let’s go.”
“No. I’d rather hang out on the beach. You’ll drive that thing like a crazy person.”
“I swear. I’ll just drive like a normal person. Hop on.”
My wife looked very skeptical. She knew me. She didn’t trust me one bit. I smiled real big and said, “Honey, I love you. Please come on the jet ski with me. I’ll be good. I promise. We’ll have fun.”
She finally relented and jumped on the back of the jet ski. Obviously, she had a momentary lapse in judgment. Foolish girl. So naive. I’m not to be trusted with anything that has an engine, and she usually knows it. The moment her bikini bottom touched the seat, I cranked the throttle wide open, stood up on the jet ski, and let it rip from the beach as hard and as fast as it would go. Instantly we were flying across the lake. Right away my wife started screaming, “You PROMISED!”
“I lied, Baby! I lied!” I yelled as I threw the jet ski into a hard turn, nearly throwing my wife, whom I love, off the back.
“Take me back to the beach!”
“I can’t hear you,” I fibbed as I hit a boat wake, which got me, my wife, and the jet ski at least 4 feet out of the water. We landed hard, but safely, and then I made another hard turn heading for another large wake to jump the jet ski again. I was having a blast.
“Please stop driving like a jerk! I hate it when you do this kind of stuff!”
“What stuff?” I asked. “This is what you’re supposed to do on jet skis! They’re awesome!”
I was heading toward a very big wake at lightning speed, and then she said it. The word. She threw down the marriage gauntlet. And she said it with immense sincerity. She dug her nails into my shoulders and proclaimed, “If you jump this thing one more time I will divorce you.”
I shut off the jet ski. We slowed down and then just drifted in the middle of the lake. Suddenly it was silent. I turned around and asked, “Really? You hate jet skis so much you would end our entire marriage over one?”
“I don’t hate jet skis, Honey. I hate you when you drive them like an ass.”
“OK. I’m sorry. I feel shame. On the way home, do you want to go to the go-kart track?”
Rob’s wife chose to swim back to the shore.
This article appears in Oct 8-15, 2015.