My mother loves to send e-mails to me. This is a woman who has yet to figure out how to forward e-mail without including every single freaking line from previous senders. I now know the e-mails for each one of her friends, everyone at her church, and all of her real estate associates.
Mom’s e-mails encompass all kinds of interesting, unusual, amusing, and even shocking material. Over time I have collected the more intriguing tidbits to share with all of you, my readers. Consider it a public service, or not.
To start with, did you know that if you yelled for eight years, seven months, and six days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee? My husband, the Brit, and I met May 1, 2005, so on Jan. 6, 2014, I’ll be able to have that well-deserved cup of coffee. How appropriate, because that day is also Epiphany and, along with our grandson the Britween, I live with two wise guys!
Here’s an interesting scientific factoid: If you farted consistently for six years and nine months, enough gas would be produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. Puhleeze! If that’s really true, the Brit and Britween between them would have wiped our entire neighborhood and half of the Five Cities off the map 12 months ago!
Another scientific fact: Did you know that the human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to squirt blood 30 feet? Did you also know that an 11-year-old can squeeze a bottle of catsup with enough pressure to repaint an entire kitchen wall?
What I want to know is who paid for the research to uncover these facts. For example, banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. Really? Come on, people, I’m living proof that this is false! If it were true, then I’d look like Kate Moss!
Fact: Fleas can jump 350 times their body length. This is similar to a human jumping the length of a football field. That’s nothing. When properly motivated by a good sale, I can leap the length of a parking lot and entire department store floor, over the bodies of every woman there, to snap up the last brassiere in my size.
I wish scientists could sort this one out. The catfish has more than 27,000 taste buds, and will devour whatever it finds on the bottom of a pond. But my grandson, who has only 10,000 taste buds (yes, I Googled that), can taste even the most minute amount of any ingredient he does not like in anything I make. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the next Gordon Ramsey.
On the other hand, butterflies taste with their feet. Thank God humans don’t, or everything would taste like grass! Get it? Ha ha ha … wait a minute. That could be a good thing, depending on the grass. Hmmmm.
And did you know that the strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue? Frankly, I’d rather go grazin’ in the grass!
Mom has also frequently e-mailed me facts about various creatures, which she thought might interest the Britween. He was fascinated to learn that elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. Frankly, this is probably a good thing.
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. There are a lot of politicians like this who hold government positions. I think they are the same people who frequently hide their heads in the sand. Contrary to popular belief, ostriches never do that, therefore ostriches would probably make better politicians.
On the other hand, starfish have no brains. Although very pretty, they would not make good politicians. Polar bears are left-handed, but this is not a reflection of their political stance.
A creepy fact is that a cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. Creepier still is that some politicians can last even longer.
Some of the juicier facts Mom has sent me includes this intriguing bit of information: A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes. Really? That doesn’t sound kosher, but if it’s true, it explains why they look so tired-but-happy as they soak in the mud.
Lions can mate more than 50 times a day! I still think pigs have it better, though. Quality over quantity, right?
On the other hand the male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. No wonder they are called a praying mantis. The male mantis is praying he doesn’t get lucky, while the female mantis is saying grace. This reminds me of Vince Gill’s country song It’s Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night that Chew Your Ass Off All Day Long.
Finally, did you know that humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure? So what are the lions doing? And how about those pigs? Do the dolphins know about them?
My brief encounter with a dolphin was years ago at Sea World. There were two or three swimming in a large open tank, and visitors could interact with and even touch them. I was so excited to have the chance to see a dolphin up close and personal.
As I reached out to stroke one of the dolphins, it shot a flipper full of water at me. This happened several times until I was soaking wet, and the dolphin, making “ka-ka-ka-ka” sounds, seemed genuinely amused. I could swear he was laughing and flipping me off. Maybe that’s why they called him Flipper! Ka-ka-ka-ka! m
Ariel Waterman wants to be reincarnated as a pig, and she’s not lion! Send more interesting factoids to her via her editor Ryan Miller at rmiller@santamariasun.com.
This article appears in May 30 – Jun 6, 2013.