Their ragged breathing is loud in my ears and my fearful heart threatens to explode out of my chest. I try desperately to make my legs go faster, but the more I push, the heavier they get. I desperately want to increase the distance between them and me.
The sun is setting and casts spooky shadows through the trees as I run along my favorite trail—well, it used to be my favorite anyway. The breathing gets louder, and I can smell the stink of rotting flesh. A loud gurgled growl erupts somewhere to my left, causing my heart to beat impossibly faster.
I run and run, knowing that my death is surely imminent. I feel a mangled hand reach for my ponytail, but I narrowly escape its grip by jumping over a fallen tree. A loud grunt and a roar sound behind me—one down, one to go. I press on with the fleeting hope that I might survive this madness, and then everything goes silent.
…
I look down at my phone. The Zombie Run app tells me that I just completed four miles and outran 15 zombies—all in a days work. This app is unlike any other motivational tool I’ve ever used for running and it makes workouts exciting.
Like everyone else, I have a certain unexplained fascination with zombies. The undead top the charts in almost every form of entertainment—from books to movies to television shows, they’re everywhere, and people are hungrily watching.
There are numerous theories that try to explain society’s current infatuation with the living dead. Some theories cite zombies as metaphors for consumerism or socialism, while other theories say zombies represent the fear of a societal collapse. Other theories go so far as to claim zombies represent the sexuality of teenage boys, though I personally think they are symbols for a man’s sexuality as well, but I digress. There is even a theory that zombies depict the harsh decay and ugly reality of death that we as a society are often afraid to address or accept.
Zombies could even be construed as representing the fear that exists in every athlete—the thought of your body decaying, your skills crumbling, and all the things that once made you unique deteriorating. This is the inevitable end that all athletes must face one day. Whatever the reasons, the undead have risen and they are ravenous.
With Halloween here and zombies on the brain, my curious Benchwarming mind couldn’t help but think that zombies would make terrific athletes, transforming the sports world as we know it.
Think about it for a minute and you’ll realize they possess many of the same qualities needed to be a good athlete:
• For example, endurance. Zombies are constantly lumbering around trying to eat people. Slow but steady, they are always on the move, hankering for tasty and succulent human flesh.
• And then there’s their brute strength. We’ve all seen zombies on television ripping people apart like rag dolls and plowing through barred doors.
• A zombie’s focus and determination are worth noting, too. They have a one-track mind geared toward consumption. Zombies will go to whatever lengths needed to satiate their perpetual hunger.
• Most importantly, zombies have an unmatched toughness: Broken arm or leg? No big deal, the zombie wouldn’t have to sit out—just hack off the damaged limb and get back in the game!
But what sports would zombies play? Some big, brutish zombies would create a formidable offensive line. A tall, more agile zombie would be a good defensive player in basketball, blocking shots to the basket and throwing rotting elbows.
Slower, less coordinated zombies wouldn’t be good in sports that required a good amount of agility, like baseball and many positions in football. The undead are best suited for brainless violence. They’d probably feel most at home as UFC fighters.
All in all, zombies taking over sports could be a good thing, though the number of athletes would need to be replenished frequently. In theory, if there was a zombie apocalypse and the undead took over sports, the fan experience would improve tremendously. Since trips to the stadium would be much more risky in the event of a zombie apocalypse, the stadiums would be filled with more die-hard fans. Every game would be as intense as a play-off game, and obnoxious fans could just be fed to the zombie players.
Not to mention promotions that fans would go nuts for (first 100 fans receive a canteen and a knife!). A great competition plus survival tools—it’s a win-win for the post-apocalyptic world. Perhaps sports media would improve, becoming less critical of poor player performance and more appreciative of having athletes to watch in the first place.
There are some issues with zombie athletes that must be taken into consideration, such as undead players eating each other or going after the fans, but wiring their mouths shut could easily solve that problem. All it would take is one genius coach to figure out how to best utilize this new, scary breed of athlete. A zombie bite could even become the new performance enhancement of sports.
There are professional athletes out there right now who would be unstoppable if they became zombies. Like 6-foot-9 ice hockey player Zdeno Chara, who is known for his destructive appetite. Then there’s Bakkies Botha, a rugby player with a propensity for violence. Botha has been fined on numerous occasions for attacking other players’ faces, stamping, eye gouging, and head butting—zombie-ism would be a perfect fit. Then there’s the fastest man in the world, track superstar Usain Bolt. I doubt a zombie bite could slow him down. He would be impossible to outrun!
Let’s not forget my beloved Green Bay linebacker, Clay Matthews. With explosive power and determination, Matthews would outrun and possibly eat numerous quarterbacks. Then there is the dirty-playing defensive tackle from Detroit, Ndamukong Suh. With no regard for safety and a mean streak the length of a football field, Suh would surely be the most evil zombie of the apocalypse.
While I’m not sure if a zombie apocalypse is in the cards for planet Earth, as a dedicated sports fan, it comforts me to know that athletics would persevere. Sports have survived war, famine, and disease, so a zombie apocalypse would be a cakewalk and could even make athletics more exciting.
But what do I know? I’m just a Benchwarmer that’s waiting for a zombie bite.
Staff writer Kristina Sewell lives in fear of the undead. Contact her at ksewell@santamariasun.com.
This article appears in Oct 31 – Nov 6, 2013.