As I drag myself out of bed again at 4:15 a.m. for my morning workout, I remind myself that 2016 is the year I’m going to reach my fitness goals—pending the fact that I win the constant battle between my love of beer and Mexican food. With the New Year still fresh in people’s minds, the hoards have flooded gyms across the Central Coast determined to make those fitness resolutions a reality.
Perhaps it’s because of the New Year’s resolution craze, but I’ve decided the gym plays host to some of the strangest (and occasionally most obnoxious) people I’ve met outside of Walmart; it’s like walking into a circus show and being exposed to a whole new species you didn’t even know existed—one of the many reasons I refuse to shop there. But anyway, gyms at this time of year provide entertainment in the form of some interesting human characters.
Before I begin, let me say that this column is not intended to be rude but definitely feisty and to the point. I fully commend ANYONE who takes the time to show up at the gym and put in work; they’re there and can’t be faulted for that. However, it doesn’t make these characters’ gym antics and/or appearances any less amusing/annoying. My fellow gym junkies will know exactly who these individuals are.
So in no particular Benchwarmer order, here are some of the people you might encounter at the gyms this year.
The Hog
Every size, shape, and color of weights? They all belong to the hogs. These are the people at the gym who should have their own special episode of Gym Hoarders. They are likely the ones who missed the whole deal in first grade about “sharing is caring.” They generally stand in the same area and monopolize a collection of weights that they insist they are using. Oh yeah? You’re lifting dumbbells and jumping rope at the same time? Wow—I must be slacking on my training. The solution to this is easy: Do small circuits and only take the weights that you will immediately use.
Those people that need a personal nanny
Maybe they were born with a silver spoon in their mouths, maybe they think they’re too good for such “menial” tasks, or maybe they just don’t care, but for some, cleaning up after themselves isn’t second nature. This means that a trail of kettlebells and plates are left out of place. Aside from the fact that it presents dangerous trip hazards for others—you know, the other minions at the gym trying to work out too?—it’s annoying when other people at the gym can’t find the equipment that you so carelessly forgot to put away. It’s pretty simple: Be courteous and pick up after yourself.
The I’ll-pretend-I’m-actually-using-this-treadmill/machine type
I’ve seen them a lot—most often when I was still working out at In-Shape (too corporate for me and not enough personal trainers with legitimate experience). They stand on the machines, make some attempt to move the equipment in an athletic fashion, but spend a majority of the time on their phones. Even better are the people who talk on their phones and feel the need to share their life story with the entire gym. No, I didn’t see the last episode of the Karadashians, and I don’t really care. Your constant chatter is distracting for the other gym goers. Or they will stand by a weight machine forever, texting on their phone. Hey are you actually going to use that? No? Then MOVE. I honestly don’t see the point of coming to the gym to spend more than half of your time on the damn phone. Results of working out aren’t absorbed via osmosis and being in the gym. You actually have to put the phone down and move your body. Plus, you take up space and time for people who are actually focused and there to work out. Social hour can wait.
Those dudes with the mirror fetish
OK don’t get me wrong, I know that mirrors are beneficial in the sense you can make sure your form is correct while performing certain moves. But there are some gym goers who use the mirrors to feed their ego while they work out. Maybe it’s just something with men, but I’ve stood there and watched them look at their arms. Better yet are the real narcissists, who point it out to their fellow mirror “fetishers”—“Hey man check out my biceps!” And then there are those who take it up a level by actually telling themselves they’re sexy—I really can’t make this shit up. And y’all say women are mirror obsessed? Hmmm. It’s not like I stand there and say, “Wow, Kristina your glutes are looking awfully shapely in your pants today.” I’m all for self-esteem but keep it in your head and use the mirror for form correction, not to feed your probably already too-large ego.
The Human Noisemaker
Sometimes in the gym, you may hear a loud roar, grunt, or yell. But don’t be alarmed—you haven’t been transported to an African safari and no one is giving birth. It’s just someone working out. More commonly known as the “grunter,” these people provide the ambient noise at gyms. Now, noise making while working out is not uncommon due to the natural release of breath and engaging your core for stability. However, it’s when the noises sound like a wounded animal that we create a problem for other gym goers. No matter what you’re doing—proper breathing or no—I don’t think prehistoric animal noises are a necessity. Just breathe.
The ‘but first, let me take a selfie’ chick
Look I get it, you have been putting in work and your ass looks great in your new $90 Lululemon pants, but for God’s sake woman, have some dignity and do your ritualistic selfie in the locker room. Don’t take up valuable space by taking your Instagram self too seriously just to achieve the perfect lighting and angle.
I’m just here for the weights and chicks type
And last but not least, I saved this one for some personal trainers out there who fit this mold—you know who you are.
I think there are some people out there who are confused about the term “personal trainer.” Look bro, you’re not personally training yourself—you’re training other people. And anyone with half a brain about working out will know if you—their trainer—really care about their fitness or not. Don’t become a trainer just for the free access to workout equipment, mirrors, and a chance to be a sleazeball and pick up on chicks. It’s unbecoming, unprofessional, and annoying. Do your damn job and learn something about what you’re supposed to be training people in.
So there you have it, a roundup of some of the most interesting characters you will encounter at your local gyms. They just need a little tender guidance—or an occasional slap in the face—take your pick.
But what do I know? I’m just a Benchwarmer; I’m feisty and I’m the “let’s get down to business chick” at the gyms.
Contributor Kristina Sewell can be reached through Editor Shelly Cone at scone@santamariasun.com.
This article appears in Jan 28 – Feb 4, 2016.