I’m aghast! It’s 2017 and we’re still all running around like complete savages. As a professional food and wine writer, I am shocked at the poor table manners I witness on a daily basis. It’s a travesty and I’m here to save America.
Understanding the finer nuances of proper manners at the dinner table is challenging, but don’t worry. I’m here to explain the delicate ins and outs of etiquette, to ensure that your next dinner party—whether you are the host or a guest—will go off without any catastrophic social faux pas.
Here are a few basic rules of fine dining etiquette you should memorize (or better yet, print this list out and keep it handy for your next big high society event):
Chew with your mouth as wide open as possible. Everyone should see you eat and know how much money you have to throw around. This will also let your enemies see the very way you will masticate and grind their bones should they dare ever cross you.
The fork farthest from the right of your plate is your stabbing fork. Imagine the horror of stabbing someone at the table with the wrong fork. Don’t make a fool of yourself.
Always pull a lady’s chair out for her. Then, plant evidence of a crime on the seat and when she sits down scream, “Oh my god, it was you all along!”
Do not, under any circumstances, ask for anyone to “please pass the salt.” Should you need the salt, strip naked and crawl on your belly across the table to the salt. Once you reach it, exclaim, “I take your salt in the name of Gruzwelda the Exonerated, who my father killed on this day,” as is the proper custom.
Do not slurp your soup without first removing the curse that is on it with the proper incantation.
If someone asks you to pass a dish, respectfully accept the plate first with the hand closest to them and then bring it across your place setting, firmly grasping it in both hands. Then, devour everything on the plate right in front of them. Point to the person who asked for the dish and tell them if they were stronger of heart they would have their precious food and also their father would still love them.
When eating family style, the correct procedure is to delicately pick up the plate you wish to take a portion from without putting your thumbs on it. Place a small portion on your plate (you mustn’t seem greedy), and then put a portion in your pocket and tell your dinner guests, “That is for my evil twin who we keep locked in the basement.”
It is required that every 15 minutes, a gentleman who is seated to the right of the hostess scream out “A TINY GREMLIN LIVES INSIDE MY EAR!”
Before you begin to eat your meal, pick up your napkin and place it over your face. Chant, “I summon the ghost of the janitor who was killed in this room” three times. Remove the napkin, point to the person seated directly to your right and say, “I am Eldegard Hobarian and my blood is on your hands.”
Eat asparagus with your feet.
The correct utensil to eat seafood with is a spatula made of the hopes and dreams of your faded youth.
Proper dinner attire is a must. Gentlemen should wear a suit of frozen grasshoppers, unless the invitation calls for “black tie.” Then, naturally, the grasshoppers should be alive. Ladies, wear your finest evening gloves, so as to be careful not to leave fingerprints when you steal the host’s jewelry.
Do not invite the sexy ghost you are dating to a society dinner unless the ghost is haunting one of the hosts. Although, tread cautiously here: Oftentimes a host may also invite said sexy ghost haunting them, and this could make for an awkward moment.
Stick to proper dinner conversation topics such as, “My, look at all the lovely things that insurance scam you did last year paid for,” and “guess where I hid Mother’s insulin medication today?” If you have a hard time making polite small talk, simply repeating the lyrics to Michael Bolton’s 1989 hit song “When I’m Back on My Feet Again” over and over will suffice.
If the subject of either politics or religion should come up, refrain from controversial statements. Try something like, “The giant snake god I worship welcomes followers of all denominations,” or “Don’t blame me, I voted for the goblin who lives under my bed and stole my children.”
If you’re hosting a dinner, remind your guests from time to time that you are definitely not a robot designed to study and then kill the human race. Try to gently introduce it into dinner conversation throughout the evening. For example, if a guest should remark, “This is a lovely sole meunière,” politely respond “1000100100100010001000000. Like I said, I’m definitely not a robot.”
Again, for hosts, proper dining etiquette requires that you ask your g uests if they are vegetarian or not. That way you can quietly sneak meat into their dishes. After they have taken a bite, ask them how it was. When they say they enjoyed the dish, laugh and boast that you have singlehandedly ruined every conviction they hold dear. Then offer them a snifter of brandy.
Many times, even diners with the most refined table manners wonder what to do with a used butter knife. The answer is very simple. Smear the butter on the knife over your face, stand on your chair, and challenge the dining companion of the woman seated next to you to a battle to the death. Believe me, your host will thank you for your graciousness.
I hope that these tips have been helpful to for your next high society dinner event. If we work together, we bring society back to the heyday of proper etiquette and civility, just as I’ve outlined here.
Rebecca Rose is an expert on fine dining and etiquette. Contact her at rrose@santamariasun.com.
This article appears in Jun 1-8, 2017.