For many of us, most days just feel like it’s the end of the world, but there are actually a lot of people out there who believe that the end of the world is indeed nigh. I recently discovered that one prophetic group had predicted last Saturday would be the end of the globe as we know it. So I thought I would dedicate that day to covering Doomsday as a serious news journalism professional.
In order to fully provide the best quality community journalism coverage for you, the readers, I have assigned myself to the Rapture/Apocalypse/Doomsday beat here at the paper I work for. Oddly enough, this beat did not exist before I brought it up to my editors. When I asked who previously was assigned to it, they laughed and said, “Yo momma!”
This may seem to be tedious work, but as a dedicated journalist, I am doing my due diligence to get vital news updates about this important issue to you, the reader. I am working tirelessly today to keep our good citizens updated about the Rapture or any other apocalyptic happenings as news comes in. The copy desk, however, is refusing to change my byline to “Rebecca Rose, Rapture Reporter.”
As of this filing of this news report, there have been no sightings of the walking dead, or pretty much anyone, because it’s a Saturday and I’m the only one in the office, working so I can cover the Rapture.
I do not see any piles of clothes in the street suggesting the wearers were “left behind.”
There was a little rain earlier in the day. And the guy at Subway forgot to give me cookie even though I had a coupon that clearly states, “Free cookie with purchase of foot-long sub.” I cannot confirm if that is Rapture related though, because my friend said last week they forgot to give her a cookie, too.
I cannot comment on the existence of cursed apocalypse zombies at this time, because strangely enough, that is actually another reporter’s beat. I just texted her for an update, and it said “drinking with hot guy from my spin class.” She did not say if the hot guy was a zombie. I will keep you updated.
As of 4 p.m. Saturday, the Walmart here said they are no longer honoring the “free lube and oil change with tire rotation” discount they started offering last month. I contacted officials with Walmart to find out if this was because of the Rapture, and I was told not to call them ever again. I don’t know if that’s because they are too busy fending off unleashed spirits of the evil dead or what because they blocked my phone number.
I called my friend to have her bring me a taco because I am still hungry after the Subway (not sure if this is a side effect of being in the Rapture, or maybe it’s because a foot-long sub without a cookie isn’t very filling). Anyway, my friend brought me the taco, but I asked for a steak taco from Taco Casa and she brought a chicken taco from Bueno Taco.
I reached out to several area doctors to ask if forgetting what kind of tacos your friends want is a sign of being “left behind,” but no one would go on the record. One doctor did tell me I should “seek help” when I asked if he thought national health care would cover injuries sustained when the dead rise from the grave to attack us.
I stopped a policeman in town to ask if he had witnessed any zombie massacres or rabid angels swooping through the streets sucking up souls. He made me walk in a straight line for him and blow into some sort of device he had. I asked him if this was all part of the department’s “Rapture Preparedness Program,” but he wouldn’t say.
I did get a call from a woman who thought the newsroom was this Chinese food place that apparently used to have this number. She wanted egg rolls and a No. 5. I told her this was a newsroom and I could not tie up the phone with non-Rapture related business at the time. Then she called me a jerk and hung up.
I have been checking the police blotter for reports of zombie attacks or vengeful demons. Apparently, earlier in the day, a man called 911 because he thought his cat was lost. But then he called back and told the police not to come because the cat was just sleeping in this old box in the garage that he hadn’t noticed at the time. I am following up to find out if the cat was possibly Raptured away for awhile and then returned back to Earth, as the result of a “left behind” mix-up or something.
I placed some calls to my fellow reporters to see if they could come help me cover the Rapture, or at least tell me where we keep all the leftover candy from Easter. They were all at a bar for someone’s birthday, which one person said was “The graaaytest partee evaaaah!”
I texted if they had perhaps seen anyone raptured and also maybe bring me a taco, but all I got back was a photo of someone’s butt. I really could not say if the butt was Rapture related, and honestly I want to forget that I even saw that.
I did make one shocking discovery: It turns out that my friend did not forget what kind of taco I like, it’s just that she was going to Bueno Taco for herself because she likes their enchiladas (which I think are a little salty) and didn’t feel like making two stops. So not a sign of being “left behind” at all on that one, just a selfish friend who doesn’t care about my taco.
Also, apparently you cannot get overtime pay for working 24 hours on an assignment that, according to my editor, is “the stupidest excuse for not doing your real work I have ever heard in my life.”
Anyway, I am going to go and take a shower, finally. So I at least can get the janitor to stop yelling at me because he thinks I’m some homeless person who snuck into the building to pee. Because, you know, apparently that happens more often than you’d think.
This is Rebecca Rose, signing off for Rapture Watch 2017, live, here in Santa Maria.
Rebecca Rose has never been Raptured, but has seen the 1991 movie The Rapture starring Mimi Rogers. Contact her at rrose@santamariasun.com.
This article appears in Jun 29 – Jul 6, 2017.
