I’m not sure why the fine folks who appealed the Santa Barbara County planning director’s decision to OK a land-use permit for Dr. Greenthumb’s to open a cannabis dispensary in Orcutt felt that lyrics from a song released in 1998 would persuade planning commissioners to deny said permit, but they did.
The full lyrics of Cypress Hill’s “Dr. Greenthumb” are included in the appeal.
“People can’t live without the herb man/ If not they’d be drinkin’ and drivin’ and swervin’/ But thanks to Dr. Greenthumb weed grow/ In the backyard or inside with hydro … ,” the appeal—a public county document (Thank God!)—says.
Everybody sing it with me: “Hello my name is Dr. Greenthumb/ And I’d like to tell you just where I’m from!”
That’s fun, amirite?
Best document research ever!
I’m not sure that the county is legally allowed to make a permitting decision based on song lyrics, you know? Even if Dr. Greenthumb’s is a retail chain of cannabis dispensaries owned by B-Real of Cypress Hill fame.
Well, if the lyrics didn’t work, surely the traffic and parking complaints will! Right? Wrong. Apparently, the location in the Orcutt Hills Plaza has plenty of parking spots: 60 in total, even though the store is only required to have 33. Sixty. That’s a lot of parking.
And yet residents were still concerned about cannabis customers “infiltrating” the Cimarron Estates neighborhood, according to resident Torey Winn, who spoke during the Aug. 10 county Planning Commission appeal hearing.
“It’s easy for the applicant to say that parking won’t be an issue, but what measures are in place to ensure that?” she asked.
Umm, how many people does she think are going to be inside this dispensary at one time? Are 60 parking spots really not enough to contain the hoards of individuals that will descend on Dr. Greenthumb’s? Hundreds of cannabis savants from northern Santa Barbara County and beyond are going to storm into the area all at the same time and wait in line for hours, infiltrating Orcutt area neighborhoods with their stoner-mobiles and infecting the air with their reefer.
Someone needs to take a chill pill, lady. Have a gummy.
Another resident pointed out that Orcutt Hills Plaza already has an issue with people crossing a double yellow line to turn left into the parking lot. Obviously, the stoners visiting Dr. Greenthumb’s aren’t going to follow traffic safety rules. They’re going to make it worse!
Sounds like a problem for another day, my fearful friend.
Planning Commissioner Laura Bridley said that the left turn thing would be an issue no matter what business opened in that spot.
Like if “Rincon Brewery” or a “really popular burger spot”—I guess she couldn’t think of Habit Burger or In-N-Out, but a small brewery in Carpinteria was all that made sense—opened there, Bridley said, those illegal left turns would be way worse.
I guess she doesn’t envision the stoners lined up around the block to see their new doctor like the residents of Cimarron do.
Consider the lyrics, the appeal said. Consider the rapper who sang them and ruminate on the fact that this guy is going to sell people weed.
This guy? He’s going to sell people weed legally, man!
The Canary is ready to make a phone call. Send complaints to canary@santamariasun.com.
This article appears in Aug 18-25, 2022.