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Santa Maria Sun / Humor

The following article was posted on March 27th, 2012, in the Santa Maria Sun - Volume 13, Issue 3 [ Submit a Story ]
The following articles were printed from Santa Maria Sun [santamariasun.com] - Volume 13, Issue 3

Second chance, more gifts

Krider issues a warning to his friends planning secondâ€"and thirdâ€"nuptials

By ROB KRIDER

I’ve been married for a long, long time to the same woman, my wife, whom I love. We tied the knot more than 15 years ago. That means that for more than 15 years I have been wrong about just about everything, and I haven’t gone a day when I skipped shaving without getting grief about my face “feeling rough” during a kiss. I guess the good news is after all these years I still get kisses, so I won’t complain (too much). During those 15 years of being together, a lot has happened. The strangest thing that has occurred has had nothing to do with my marriage. It is everyone surrounding me and my wife; they can’t seem to stay married.

Marriage certainly isn’t the easiest thing a person will ever do. The statistics are pretty dismal, with a 45 to 50 percent failure rate for first marriages. Second marriages do even worse, with a 60 to 67 percent failure rate, and third marriages fail at an incredible 70 to 73 percent. I guess practice makes perfect, and these people with multiple failed marriages have their iPhones with a speed dial to their divorce attorney. But here is the statistic about people and divorce that matters: I don’t care. I really don’t. It isn’t my problem. My only problem is keeping my wife very happy, period, end of story. If other couples around me can’t resolve their differences, why should I worry about it?

My indifference to other people’s marital issues may seem a bit inconsiderate, but I have an excuse. As I was going down the assembly line of life, the guy handing out “compassion” was on a smoke break, and I wasn’t given any. Therefore, when people around me are having problems with their marriage, I just can’t seem to give a rip. My lack-of-compassion personality flaw bothers my wife considerably, because she has enormous compassion for every living thing on the planet and beyond. With the two of us as a team, I think this works out as a great balance. You see, my wife cares about the squirrels that live in the tree in our neighbor’s yard down the street and she worries about them when it rains. Me, I don’t care about stuff like … people.

So, when people around me get divorced, I’ve decided it’s not my problem, except recently they have been making it my problem. These people who can’t make their marriages work get divorced; then they go out and find someone else, just like them, and they want to get married to the new person (because it worked out so great the first time). The next thing I know, the wedding invitation lands in my mailbox. That wedding invitation means travel, hotel, tuxedo rental, gift purchase, and a hundred conversations with my wife before we drive to the church about whether she looks fat in her dress. These people around me who can’t make their relationships work are costing me a lot of money.

Since the divorce rate is around 50 percent, that means that for 50 percent of the weddings my wife and I have attended over the years, we have to go to all over again. And since we became friends with both people in the original relationship, their one divorce turned into two new second weddings, meaning I have had to go to three weddings stemming from one relationship.

If this is confusing and I have lost you, don’t worry, I can barely keep track of it myself. I guess the best way is to audit my debit card purchases for knife sets, blenders, and other gift registry purchases over the years. I’m starting to think that when I purchase a gift for a couple, I should make sure it is something that can be divided equally, so when they get divorced, each person can keep something I gave them.

Splitting up a blender is a bad idea: One person gets the spinning part, the other person gets the glassware, and in the end nobody living in a post-marriage divorce apartment can make a milkshake. I guess a good wedding gift for a newly married couple would be a gift certificate to a pre-paid law account so they can afford an attorney when the marriage goes south. Or maybe it should be a gift certificate for a U-Haul truck and storage shed to make moving out after a big fight convenient.

I know, I know, you think I’m being a heartless bastard. Two things: I am, because I don’t have any compassion. And secondly, statistics don’t lie; half these people are going to need that U-Haul.

Don’t get me wrong; I like my friends and family, and I want to go to their weddings. I just want to do it once. I’ve never been much for doing the same event over and over again. But because my wife is a better and nicer person (and, since we are a team, she makes me a nicer and better person by proxy), we will attend your second and third wedding, etc., and I will bring another gift.

However, I am going to do a few things to entertain myself. One, whatever I wore to your first wedding, I will wear it again at your second wedding. Any speeches I gave during the first wedding, I will just give the same speech again. Hopefully if I mentioned anyone by name in the first speech, the new person you are marrying has the same first name—otherwise it could be one of those uncomfortable moments at the reception.

These are just a few things to think about when you are putting together that second wedding invitation list. Do you really want me to come again?

Rob’s wife assures their friends and family she won’t let him be a heartless jerk, and she wishes all the best in your new wedding endeavors.




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