Wednesday, June 19, 2019     Volume: 20, Issue: 15

Santa Maria Sun / Humor

The following article was posted on March 2nd, 2010, in the Santa Maria Sun - Volume 10, Issue 51 [ Submit a Story ]
The following articles were printed from Santa Maria Sun [] - Volume 10, Issue 51

How to make NASCAR interesting

The race offers fun for the whole familyâ€"if you know how to watch it


Some people don’t see the attraction of watching a NASCAR race on television. I think the most common mistake people make the first time they tune into a NASCAR event is that they’re not drunk. You’re not supposed to drink and drive, but it’s a requirement to drink and watch other people drive on TV. Sober people just don’t see what’s so interesting about watching 43 corporate billboards drive around in a circle for three hours. I can’t argue with these sober folks. The races are sort of boring, until someone crashes-and then the sport is interesting—for about 10 seconds.

At my house, I have devised a way for everyone to enjoy NASCAR. Yes, alcohol is still a part of it. Every year, I host a Daytona 500 party. I invite all my friends over to the house, whether they like racing or not, and let them all spill beer on my carpet, eat all my food, and plug up my toilet. A good time is had by all. The key component (besides the drinking) is, instead of rooting for your favorite driver (Jimmie Johnson), or your favorite corporate monster store (Lowe’s), you are rooting for your wallet. I put the 43 drivers’ names into a bucket and each party member pays five bucks per driver and draws out their picks. If their random draw wins the race, they win the money. With $215 on the line, people become very interested in NASCAR. Even Grandma was screaming at the TV, “Come on Juan Montoya!!!”

But I don’t let my friends off that easy. If you wanna play, you gotta pay. In order to enjoy my NASCAR party, you have to endure the stupid party tricks I have devised to make watching the race more fun. If by chance your driver crashes during the race, you are officially injured. And since you’re “hurt,” I have a sling to put your arm in. You have to spend the rest of the party eating and drinking one-handed. You’re stuck with the sling until some other talentless schmuck crashes and you can pass it on to the person who drew his name out of the bucket. For more torture, I wrap the winning money with a rubber band and make the leader of the race hold the cash. We’ve found that holding the money is bad luck. Just when you think it’s yours to keep, somebody takes the lead away from you and you have to pass the money roll to the new leader.

Because every good party needs a servant to pour drinks and pick up trash, I set up an additional random draw every 15 minutes. If your driver’s name gets pulled, you have to don an apron with the words “Party Biotch” on it, wear pink elbow-length rubber gloves, and do any task anyone asks of you.

“I need another beer!”

“I want some more Cheetos!”

“Could you clean up that mess under the table?”

“Somebody plugged up the toilet … who’s wearing the apron?”

This has proved to be a very entertaining party gimmick. The crazy part of it is you can see how absolute power corrupts absolutely. And my kids are the worst. When I was unlucky enough to wear the apron and the pink gloves, my kids were having me fetch them one potato chip at a time and then hand feed them. However, karma also plays a big part in being the party slave, because the people who treat the servant the worst always end up getting the apron sooner or later. Then it’s payback time.

“This beer isn’t quite cold enough. Could you get me another? And while you’re at it, I’d like some M&Ms, but please take out all of the red ones.”

As the race unfolds, every time there is a full course yellow flag (this means the race is delayed because of an incident on the track), everyone has to chug a beer. So as the race gets more and more boring, everyone gets more and more intoxicated, thus not caring that the race is sucking.

Even though there is a fair amount of boozing and a person walking around my house wearing pink gloves and an apron that says “Party Biotch,” this is a family-friendly event. My wife, whom I love, always bakes a checkered-flag cake. For the kids, I built a downhill racetrack in the backyard called “Woodtona,” where they can have their own Pinewood Derby car race. But since nobody has time to construct the ultimate Pinewood Derby car (it takes weeks to cheat a car up right), I let the kids race potatoes down the track. They slice the potatoes into the shape of a racecar (yes, you’re reading this correctly, the parents are drunk and they give the kids potatoes and a knife). Then the kids push the Pinewood Derby wheels and axles into the spuds and race them down the track. I have trophies for each of the kids, and of course, the adults bet on their race, too.

So next time you’re flipping through the channels and you see a NASCAR race on TV and you wonder, “Why is this interesting to so many Americans?” get some beer, an arm sling, some potatoes, gamble illegally, and then you’ll understand why NASCAR and this country are so great. Sometimes it just takes a bit of alcohol to see it. God bless the U.S. of A!

Rob gives out an award during the party to the person who is dressed as the biggest NASCAR fan. After attending the entire party shirtless with an enormous fake tattoo of “Dale Earnhardt R.I.P.” on his back, he was forced to give the trophy to himself.

Weekly Poll
Should the proposed aquifer exemption in Cat Canyon be approved?

Yes—the water from the proposed area can't serve as drinking water.
No—oil containments could still pollute usable groundwater.
Additional oil and gas projects can create more jobs.
We need to move away from oil and gas and look at renewable energy projects.

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