Tuesday, June 25, 2019     Volume: 20, Issue: 16

Santa Maria Sun / Humor

The following article was posted on September 19th, 2018, in the Santa Maria Sun - Volume 19, Issue 29 [ Submit a Story ]
The following articles were printed from Santa Maria Sun [santamariasun.com] - Volume 19, Issue 29

Under pressure: Krider laughs in the face of a cardiac 'episode'

By Rob Krider

Like most men, I'm not a huge fan of going to the doctor. I don't enjoy sitting in waiting rooms, I don't like being poked with needles, and I'm not a big fan of having a finger placed in my tush. To avoid all of the unwanted poking and prodding, I just don't go to the doctor. If some ailment comes up, I simply Google WebMD, I fix any deep cuts with duct tape, and I self-medicate with beer. Just think of all of the copays I have saved over the years.

So, after a decade of "taking care of myself," which means quite the opposite, it isn't a big surprise to anyone if I recently had an "episode" where I had to be rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. The rumor at the hospital, if they can be believed, is that I have high blood pressure. It is so high in fact that I got a bit dizzy and ultimately scared everybody at the office. When you scare people you work with, then the ambulance comes. Against all of my requests not to call an ambulance, I was suddenly in the back of one being trucked across town, lights and sirens activated, which I thought was all pretty unnecessary. I just needed a beer and a nap.

The doctors at the hospital did not agree with my assertion that a beer and a nap would fix my problems. They said I needed blood pressure medication, if these guys can be believed. I nodded my head in agreement in the emergency room, because I would nod to anything if I could get them to release me. Good news–they let me go from the emergency room after half of a day. Bad news–they released me to actually be admitted into the hospital. More needles and a bunch more copays later, the doctor, if he could be believed, told me I had high blood pressure. I was starting to see a trend. Everyone around me thinks I have high blood pressure. What do these numbers really represent? Maybe I'm just exceptional and that is why my numbers are so high?

They said I needed a stress test. This confused me because I was of the opinion that I had high blood pressure because I have too much stress in my life. Apparently, they wanted to test that theory with more stress, if these people can be believed. They put something in my IV that felt like my heart had been kicked by a bull. I failed that test.

After that experience, I started nodding and agreeing more and more to do anything the doctors wanted as long as I could get released from the hospital. I had my wife, whom I love, sitting by my side, giving me dirty looks, making me feel bad for not taking my health seriously. She wanted me to go to the doctor regularly, and she wanted me to stop using WebMD and beer as health insurance. I nodded and agreed with her too since all I wanted was to get out of the hospital. I was tired of needles and bull kicks to the heart and guilt.

They weren't going to let me go. My job was to stay in bed, eat Jell-O, take my medication, and get my blood pressure down. I did this for what seemed like forever. People from work kept coming by to see how I was doing. I just held up my Jell-O and said, "I'm relaxing and eating Jell-O, obviously I am doing fine. Can you ask the doctor to let me go?" Nobody would.

Finally, after everyone got some copay (the ambulance, the emergency room, the main hospital, the labs, the test folks, the guy who brings the bulls into the hospital), I was finally released on my own recognizance. My probation: no salt. 

Rob swears he is living healthier, he switched to light beer. To read more from Rob Krider, go to robkrider.com.

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