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Santa Maria Sun / Humor

The following article was posted on March 27th, 2018, in the Santa Maria Sun - Volume 19, Issue 4 [ Submit a Story ]
The following articles were printed from Santa Maria Sun [santamariasun.com] - Volume 19, Issue 4

Doggy dance: Krider's dog doesn't respect his sleep patterns

By ROB KRIDER

Most people these days wake up every morning using an alarm on their iPhone. At my house we do it much more organically. Instead of an electrical device with an app, we just have a 20 pound dog. It is very green of us. The only setback with the dog is we don’t get to set a specific time, like 6:30. The dog decides that for us.

We also don’t really have a snooze either. We either get up when the dog says we need to get up or we get a vigorous licking of the face. And I’m not talking about just a quick lick to the cheek. Our dog will lick your eyeballs if you don’t wake up immediately. It’s quite effective. I haven’t been late for work a single day since we rescued the dog. Of course she wakes me up the same time on Saturdays and Sundays too. Lucky me.

When we got the dog we didn’t decide we should let the dog sleep in our bed. The dog decided on her own that is where she would sleep. Apparently, it is important for the dog to cuddle up with somebody’s legs every night. She isn’t picky. She doesn’t care whose legs they are as long as those legs settle down and stop moving. The dog is in a hurry to get to sleep because she has a big night ahead of her. She needs her rest so she can wake up in the middle of the night and snort and growl at ghosts and other invisible beings that are trying to attack the legs she enjoys sleeping next to.

There are studies that say that humans don’t sleep as well if they let their dogs in the bed with them. I’m inclined to agree with the data, as I wake up three times a night with the weight of a dog cutting off the circulation to one of my extremities. When I try to move her, she snorts and doggy curses at me for having the audacity to try and move her during her slumber. The dog is insanely stubborn in the middle of the night. Twenty pounds of dog magically turns into 80 pounds of dog when she holds her ground on her sacred spot on the bed, the exact spot that is directly on top of one of my legs.

Similar sleep studies have shown that dogs sleep exactly the same whether in bed with humans or outside in the cold. Dogs don’t care. So why is our dog in our bed keeping us awake? Well, my wife, whom I love, is worried about the dog’s feelings. She won’t push the dog out of the way (not that it works anyway). Instead she will get out of bed, walk into the kitchen, and open the refrigerator door, wafting out smells so the dog will jump out of bed. Then my wife runs back into bed before our furry alarm clock jumps back in only to find her doggy spot has been occupied. Well played. The dog moves to my side of the bed and finds two different legs to smash—mine.

Occasionally, the dog will wake up during an inopportune time, like during a very late hour, jump off the bed, and run like hell through the house for no reason. We don’t know if this is because she feels an insane urge to do some midnight cardio or if someone is breaking into the house.

My wife always assumes someone is trying to kill us all in the night so she makes me get up and go see what all the fuss is about. The dog is super happy because now somebody else is up, so that means it must be play time.

Her tail is wagging, I’m blurry eyed and annoyed. My wife is quickly back asleep. Have the dog and I ever found anything in the middle of the night? Never anything dangerous, but we do find ice cream. So, there’s that.

Now we know why Rob is overweight. It’s the dog’s fault. You can read more from Rob Krider at robkrider.com.




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