Tuesday, October 16, 2018     Volume: 19, Issue: 32
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Santa Maria Sun / Humor

The following article was posted on March 13th, 2018, in the Santa Maria Sun - Volume 19, Issue 2 [ Submit a Story ]
The following articles were printed from Santa Maria Sun [santamariasun.com] - Volume 19, Issue 2

Rebecca Rose offers some important advice to millennials

By REBECCA ROSE

Millennials! How do they work?

Apparently, millennials don’t buy soap or diamonds anymore, which is slowly causing the physical Earth to bend in on itself and create a vortex into a dark parallel universe where human suffering is a currency among demonic overlords. At least, that’s what I gathered from reading articles about millennials online. So in order to keep us all alive, I’m offering the youths who I definitely don’t hate because they’re younger, prettier, and skinnier than me some good advice for how to get our world back on track:

Buy soap. Then whittle it into some kind of sharp stabbing instrument to help you fight off the demons of hell that are about to be unleashed by the coming apocalypse. It’s your world, too, millennials. You should contribute.

Have babies! And then raise them to be warriors to fight the armies of dead about to be unleashed on this mortal world. Babies also are lots of fun to name. You could name yours after your favorite television show character or a car. Like the Cabriolet. (Remember the Cabriolet? Nostalgia! Another thing millennials love.)

Probably do something with your shoes. From what I’ve gathered reading on the internets, a lot of older experts have pointed to millennial footwear as the root of much of society’s woes. Let’s be honest here, youths: Your shoes are probably what caused all of this trouble in the first place. Because apparently millennials do things like wear flip-flops to job interviews and key policy meetings with world leaders, thereby dooming humanity to the dark portal slowly opening in the skies all around us.

Start a podcast. Broadcast the sounds of your enemies screaming as you crush them under the weight of your mighty forces. Also, it’s a great way to network with people who have similar interests or hobbies.

Eat at any number of soulless, corporate-owned restaurants slowly overtaking the mom-and-pop venues in your hometown. Bring them the carcass of your enemy and ask them to prepare it as they would prepare a feast for a victorious king returning from battle or a Kardashian sister who just successfully planted a fake pregnancy rumor on the internet.

Read a Malcolm Gladwell book. OK, honestly, I have no idea who the hell that is. People are always telling me how Malcolm Gladwell said this really amazing illuminating life-changing thing and I pretty much just nod and smile because I really don’t read anything that’s not a book version of a Michael Bay movie. But yeah, millennials, you should definitely read that.

There were a few others things, but knowing what little attention span millennials have, I doubted anyone would make it this far. You’re probably already typing up a Facebook comment to tell me how you don’t need a baby to fulfill your life and how Malcolm Gladwell is a genius and I’m an idiot for daring to bring up Michael Bay. There are probably three people already arguing with you in the Facebook comments about how Michael Bay is actually awesome and only cultural elitists like you don’t get how great his work is. Someone has probably already compared you to Hitler.

Anyway if you did make it this far, I’m sorry I didn’t write the other reasons. I know how much you like lists, and I really should have worked harder on this column. I promise, I will do better next time. 

In the last election, Rebecca Rose voted for a dog, but she wasn’t fully behind his economic policies. Contact her at rrose@santamariasun.com




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