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Santa Maria Sun / Humor

The following article was posted on February 28th, 2018, in the Santa Maria Sun - Volume 18, Issue 52 [ Submit a Story ]
The following articles were printed from Santa Maria Sun [santamariasun.com] - Volume 18, Issue 52

Getting shorted: Krider rocks the dad ensemble to the fullest, cargo shorts and all

By ROB KRIDER

I’ve never claimed to be a very fashionable person. I was never voted best dressed (and odds are I never will be). I don’t own a tuxedo. I’m essentially a very basic guy, and I wear basic stuff that is functional on my body. I literally have one outfit that I wear, and it’s far from sexy. I’m a dad, what can I say? My poor wife has to see me wearing the same outfit 365 days a year, rain or shine, sleet or snow, wedding or funeral. My middle aged dude ensemble is as follows:

Part One (the base): One pair of khaki cargo shorts. I wear these religiously because as the husband/father on the team it is my job to carry stuff around for the entire family. Essentially, I am like a pack mule at the amusement park. Sunscreen? Got it in my hip pocket. Tylenol? Check my rear pocket, next to the gum. Tampons? Yes, believe it or not I began to carry these around in my cargo pockets when my daughter entered her teenage years and didn’t want to carry a purse. Car keys, cellphone, sunglasses? Yes, I have it all in my shorts along with the most important thing: my wallet with ATM card to pay for everything. This driver carries no cash. Shorts are comfortable and I desperately hate pants so that is why I wear cargo shorts daily. It’s as simple as that.

Part Two (the footwork): One pair of flip-flops. I prefer Reefs with the bottle opener on the bottom of the flip-flop for popping the tops off of craft brew IPAs. Yes, the trick is not to step in dog poo with your bottle opening shoes. I rock flip-flops because I hate socks and I’m too lazy to tie my shoes. Full disclosure: I’m so out of shape and stiff that I’m not sure I can really bend over far enough to put on socks and real shoes. Flip-flops are easy. I like easy. I’m easy like Sunday morning.

Part Three (can’t top this): I wear 100 percent cotton short-sleeved T-shirts. But not just any T-shirts. I refuse to wear anything that has a company’s logo on it. Nike or Under Armor aren’t paying me to be a walking billboard for their overpriced shirts (not that any company would pay me to be a model, I’m quite average looking). I will, however, wear T-shirts with dumb sayings on them that make me laugh like, “Still plays with cars,” or, “I’m a big deal on the internet” (it’s funny because it’s not true). My favorite shirt choice is a shirt I make myself for my racing team, which means every day my family is stuck seeing me wear a Krider Racing T-shirt. They usually have grease stains on them. The grease isn’t from working on the race car; it’s from hamburgers.

My wife, whom I love, has been trying to get me to wear these cheesy “Old Guys Rule” shirts. It ain’t gonna happen. I’m not old enough for that. I told her she can put one of those shirts on me when she is dressing me for the casket and not a day sooner.

Flip-flops, cargo shorts, and a dumb T-shirt may not sound very fashionable, but occasionally I do accessorize the outfit. Oftentimes, and usually when I’m not paying attention, I will add a little ass crack to highlight the cut of the shorts. I also like to push the limits of my T-shirts in the belly area by overeating. I do this to accent whatever stupid saying I have on the front of my shirt like, “You don’t have to read my book Cadet Blues, you just have to buy it.”

Essentially, Old Navy stole my fashion sense and sold it to the entire world. I think I might need a lawyer.

If you were wondering, Rob goes commando under the cargo shorts. You can read more from Rob Krider or contact him at robkrider.com.




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