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Santa Maria Sun / Humor

The following article was posted on January 31st, 2018, in the Santa Maria Sun - Volume 18, Issue 48 [ Submit a Story ]
The following articles were printed from Santa Maria Sun [santamariasun.com] - Volume 18, Issue 48

Urban hiking: Krider's wife wants him to get in shape

By ROB KRIDER

For completely unknown reasons to me, my wife wants me to be healthy. I don’t understand why, I’m heavily insured. She would be quite wealthy if she just let me eat doughnuts and die an early death. But apparently she likes having me at the house, so she wants me to move my body around and exercise.

I certainly know of a great way for the two of us to move our bodies around and burn some calories, but she doesn’t seem too interested in that. Instead, she wants us to do something she calls “walking.”

“Let’s go for a walk.”

“Where are we going to walk to?”

“Nowhere. We’re just going to walk around the block.”

“If you want to go around the block, I’ll grab the car keys.”

“No, Dummy, I don’t want to go around the block to see something. I want to walk around the block for exercise.”

“Well that seems boring. We need a destination. I need a goal. Give me something to walk to.”

“Where would you like to walk?”

“Ice cream? A bar? The doughnut shop? The car door? So I can drive to get ice cream.”

She just wanted to walk, to nowhere. What I learned was that these walks to nowhere weren’t just walks, they were walks and talks. Not only did I have to walk around the same city block over and over again, I had to listen to my wife talk about her day, over and over again. Don’t get the wrong idea, I care about my wife’s day, but I don’t know if I need to hear a verbal description of the Facebook post her second cousin’s friend put up. My wife was upset because the post was about the president and everybody knows the president is an (Readers: Please list your own description of the president here based upon your personal political flavor). Yes, walking around the block five times to nowhere means I get to listen to her talk for a long time about our president.

Personally, I don’t want to walk and talk about the president. I want to walk and arrive at an ice cream parlor or a place that makes macaroni and cheese and serves craft beer. From this realization, I decided my wife and I would become Urban Hikers.

Urban hiking is really just a hipster way of saying “day drinking.” The concept is my wife and I get up in the morning, put on some nice shoes and we walk to a bar. We drink and then we walk some more, until my wife’s tiny bladder can’t go any farther, and then we stop at yet another bar to use the restroom … and have more drinks. We continue our bar hopping adventure tour around the city, enjoying each other’s company while NOT TALKING ABOUT THE PRESIDENT. There is a strict no religion or politics rule while urban hiking. Other rules for urban hiking include: eating appetizers at each place we stop, petting every dog we see, trying new drinks at each bar, and making friends with strangers.

It turns out we love urban hiking together. And what’s not to like? We’re drunk. My wife is happy because we are walking. I am happy because we are walking to a bar. Now, is the exercise working? Hard to say, those multiple appetizers and craft beers contain a lot of calories. To actually lose weight we might have to become Urban Joggers.

Rob says jogging is out of the question. You can contact him at robkrider.com.




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