Tuesday, June 25, 2019     Volume: 20, Issue: 16

Santa Maria Sun / Humor

The following article was posted on January 16th, 2018, in the Santa Maria Sun - Volume 18, Issue 46 [ Submit a Story ]
The following articles were printed from Santa Maria Sun [santamariasun.com] - Volume 18, Issue 46

Humor: Krider has learned a thing or two about keeping his wife happy


As a married man I do everything in my power to strive for total wedded bliss because wedded misery is, well, it’s miserable. I don’t want to do misery. Instead, I prefer candy and harmony. Like the old saying goes, “Happy wife, happy life.” I look at it as, “Happy wife, race car.” In order for me to enjoy a very expensive, selfish, dangerous hobby such as playing with cars, I need to ensure Mrs. Krider is always smiling.

I work hard to keep my wife happy. Sort of like a doctor “practices” medicine, I am practicing at being a quality married man. I have by no means mastered the art. Practice makes perfect, and I’ll keep practicing until one of two things happens: We get divorced or I die. Neither ending is very uplifting, but those are the choices married men face. If she chooses to leave me, I won’t be able to refer to her as “my wife, whom I love,” and I will have to change it to “my ex-wife, that witch whom I loathe.” Since that is just too much to say all at once, I am working to continue the wedded bliss part of my life and save myself for the other marriage exit option: death.

Keeping a woman happy is different from keeping a man happy. Keeping a man happy is quite easy. Feed the man and occasionally, if it is convenient, if you aren’t tired, and the kids aren’t home, maybe the slight possibility of intercourse (but only if the dishes are done, of course). Keeping a woman happy is oftentimes more complex. It involves moods, listening, and sometimes shoes. It also involves everything that has occurred during the last 72 hours as those issues and emotions are still swirling around in a woman’s brain. And don’t kid yourself boys, she remembers every dumb thing you ever did, even that time in college when you foolishly said her roommate was, “sort of cute.”

During my practice at marriage I have tried a lot of different things to make my wife happy. Now, not everything I have tried has worked. On the contrary, most of the things I have done have been little more than train wreck attempts at increasing sexual activity at my house (I’ll admit, mostly unsuccessfully). I recall one time offering to paint my wife’s toenails. That just resulted in me tickling her feet and thus getting kicked in the face. Sex afterwards? Hell no. Over the years there have been a few things that I learned did work to make my wife happy, and I’ll share them with you. Dudes, pay attention now.

Advice Piece No. 1: Get a housekeeper. Best money you can spend. Gentlemen, nobody wants to get with you when they see your little drips of pee on the bathroom floor. Nobody wants to get with you when they have to clean your little drips of pee off of the bathroom floor. Nobody wants to get with you when they know that they need to stop watching television on a lazy Sunday morning and start doing chores around the house because the smell of YOUR little drips of pee on the bathroom floor are becoming a problem. Now, I know some people will say men should just stop peeing on the floor, but the fact of the matter is this: That is a completely unreasonable request. It is impossible for men not to pee on the floor. This problem will never be solved throughout the remaining history of human existence on this planet. Technology is no help. Give it up, just hire a housekeeper. Do it now. You’ll thank me later.

Advice Piece No. 2: Clean her car. Does your wife think the back seat of her car is a magical trashcan where stuff just disappears? Mine does. Does it bother me that her car is filled with trash? Yes, of course. Will she stop putting trash in it or ever take it to a car wash if I bitch about it enough? Nope. So, instead of fighting with my spouse, she and I have the following agreement. She gets a brand new cheap disposable sedan every four years (it’s a Hyundai). I don’t complain about the way she treats it, she doesn’t complain that it’s a Hyundai. When I have a free moment (or if I’m feeling a bit frisky) I take the car, fill it with gas, take all the trash out of the back seat, and run it through a car wash. Easy. She can get around town, and she is happy. I’m not paying a lot for an expensive fancy sedan that she isn’t taking care of, so I am happy. All is good. Get your wife a cheap new car, maintain it for her, do it with a smile. Good things will happen.

Advice Piece No. 3: Give her what she needs. Each woman has a specific thing that she needs help with. Figure it out and do it. At my house we had a serious laundry problem. The laundry issue is so big that oftentimes, clean laundry piles end up on beds. Laundry on beds is a bad thing if you want alternative things to occur on the bed other than sleep. I started to tackle the laundry problem at Home Depot. First and foremost, I knew I was incapable of actually folding laundry (just like I can’t stop peeing on the floor). So, that wasn’t an option. I knew my wife wasn’t going to do it either. That wasn’t an option either. Instead I designed around the problem. I installed numerous countertops and shelves all over the laundry room. The workflow is as follows: clothes on body, dirty clothes in the hamper, clean unfolded clothes in piles on the new counters and shelves. Nobody bothers to fold the laundry or take it to their closets. Instead it is out of sight in the laundry room and nobody is thinking about laundry. Instead, hopefully we are thinking about intimacy.

What does no pee on the bathroom floor, a clean new car with gas in the tank in the driveway, and an organized room filled with clean laundry get me? Well, occasionally, if it is convenient, if she isn’t tired, and the kids aren’t home, maybe the slight possibility of intercourse. All I’m saying is: There’s a chance!

Rob is currently at the gas station handing recyclable plastic bottles to homeless people from his wife’s back seat. You can read more from Rob Krider or contact him at robkrider.com.

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