Monday, December 10, 2018     Volume: 19, Issue: 40

Santa Maria Sun / Humor

The following article was posted on December 12th, 2017, in the Santa Maria Sun - Volume 18, Issue 41 [ Submit a Story ]
The following articles were printed from Santa Maria Sun [] - Volume 18, Issue 41

Humor: Rebecca Rose dives into the La Mer cream frenzy


Dear readers, my life is about to change forever. Don’t be surprised if you no longer hear from me or that when you do it’s on the arm of our most handsome and famousest movie stars, because I just bought my very first jar of Creme De La Mer beauty cream.

Oh you don’t know what that is? You poor deprived peasants! For those living a blissfully empty and unaware life, La Mer is one of the most coveted and expensive beauty creams in the world. It is said to literally stop the march of time across a woman’s face, much like those 300 Spartans held off the invading forces of King Xerxes at the Battle of Thermopylae.

According to the official product description, La Mer “penetrates deeply to replenish moisture and strengthen skin. Renewed and energized, skin looks youthfully radiant.” According to reviews on the highly trustworthy World Wide Web, La Mer can soften your skin, take years off your appearance almost overnight, reduce the appearance of wrinkles, balance your checkbook, match you with the ideal life partner, predict the winning lotto numbers, and change the oil in your car every four to six months.

All of that for the low, low bargain price of $150 per ounce.

OK, full admission. I did not suddenly hit the jackpot and become a millionaire. You will not see me on the cover of the latest issue Fancy Pants Butt magazine flaunting my fabulous life or anything. I’m still dead broke, even more so now that I have just purchased a jar of cream that costs more than what most people spend on their car payments.

What had happened was, see, someone the night before decided they were done “saving money” for “stupid useless junk” (like car repairs, a washer and dryer, food ... you know, totally useless junk). And that person (OK it was me) searched the internet (and this was the exact keyword phrase used) for “fancy face crap stuff.”

First off, do not search that term. Ever. That will give you nightmares until the end of time. Secondly, I don’t know what the hell that even means. “Fancy face crap stuff”? What, like a bedazzled mask worn by the elvish king or something?

But apparently, this triggered my bitter, hedonistic desire to get my hands on some La Mer cream.

I have always been mystified by this La Mer stuff. We never really had anything like that in our house growing up. My mom would buy the big bottle of the generic lotion at the grocery store once every few months. I think she used it to loosen up the windows when they got stuck. Sometimes she would buy Jergens, which she called “the good stuff.”

But forget Jergens, because apparently this La Mer stuff is the most coveted beauty product in all the world. So let’s see just what these people have to say for themselves about their “coveted” product. What makes it so special, anyway?

According to a note on one product review website, “It is not entirely clear how Crème de la Mer works.” What more proof do you need to convince you to buy a 2 ounce bottle of cream for $315?

But it’s not just the company’s own promotional page and random internet users who are definitely not paid Russian trolls proclaiming the cream’s awesomeness. I remember seeing an interview with our Holy Queen and Savior Victoria Beckham where she just went absolutely gaga talking about it, saying, “Oooohhh David [Beckham, her hot husband] and I just smear this all over our faces every night; it is just the best!”

Can you imagine that scene in the Beckham home?

David: I’m ready for bed, Victoria.

Victoria: Me too.

David: I love you, darling! You are beautiful, and a great mum and you are my best friend.

Victoria: Oh me too, David! You are a wonderful father and role model.

David: Thanks hon. Isn’t great that we’re so hot?

Victoria: I know, right?

David: You’re so sweet. Now, please smear my face with this thousand dollar jar of cream, OK?

Victoria: Of course my darling, anything for you.

What a dream life. Nobody smears me with fancy lotion around here. Last night, Chris fell asleep on the couch while he was playing some Xbox game. Because he wasn’t in bed, the dog climbed into his side of the bed, crawled on top of my head and farted. Do you think Victoria Beckham has ever had a dog crawl on her head in the middle of the night and fart? No. Of course not.

But now, my life is set to change, all because of this miracle cream. No longer will dogs fart on my head. Gone are the days when IRS agents will call my house screaming threats to send me to a gulag in Alaska. And all it took was a slightly overmaxed credit card and an Amazon account.

Anyway, here is a picture of the only jar of La Mer I was able to afford on my budget, shown actual size: .

Can you see it? You may have to zoom in. I’m not sure our paper can render to scale at that size. In case you are wondering, this isn’t a sample size. This is a “You’d Be Better Off Just Rummaging Through A Rich Lady’s Trash And Seeing If There’s Maybe An Old Jar She Tossed Out That Still Has A Little Bit Left In It” size. When I tried to click “gift wrap” option on my Amazon order, a little box popped up that said, “Seriously, what is the point?”

But whatever, haters! In 3 to 5 standard shipping days I am going to have the Miracle Cream of the Gods. What will happen when I rub it on my skin? How will my life change forever? Will I still want to socialize with friends, family, and close loved ones? And just how quickly will it launch my movie career? Will it be immediate or will I have through the weekend to bid farewell to my old life?

So many questions left to be answered.

Arts and Lifestyle Writer Rebecca Rose is currently snorting La Mer out of a near-empty jar. Contact her at

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