It’s not every day that you look up in the sky and see a giant penis.
That’s just what happened to residents of Okanogan County, Washington, on Nov. 16. Apparently, a pilot flying an A-18 Growler assigned to Electronic Attack Squadron 130 based at Naval Air Station Whidbey Island decided to get a little creative on a flight recently. In response to what apparently is some sort of dispute with the local community over noise pollution, this pilot decided to respond to the complaints in his own special way: He drew a great big ole’ dick in the sky.
I’m sure a Very Serious Person in the Media will have a very good reason why this is very bad and problematic (pervasive toxic male culture makes an inhospitable and hostile environment, which is something they want to move away from; yes, I get it). But also ... it’s funny as hell!
To be completely honest, it was one of the greatest things I have ever seen in my life. I printed it out and have it hanging on my wall. I cannot stop laughing at it.
I heard someone (wrongly) say it was “feminists” that complained about the sky schlong, but I am here to tell you that is absolutely not true. As a lifelong Feminist Bitch Goddess myself, I can proudly tell you there is probably nothing more feminist in the world than soaring through the horizon and marking it up with cartoon drawings of male private parts. If I was going to ever publish a book based on my personal brand of feminism, it would just be a coffee table book filled with my doodles of dicks. I think that speaks volumes.
I also heard a very unsubstantiated rumor that the dude’s nickname is “Woody,” which makes this basically perfect. The only way that a screeching jet making cloud wangs piloted by someone named “Woody” could be anymore perfect is if that someone were a woman.
I actually prayed long and hard for that Navy pilot drawing a schlong in the sky to be a woman. Imagine some angry valkyrie piercing through the horizon riding the war machine of the patriarchy to scribble dicks all over the sky because someone complained that she was too loud. Women would erect monuments in her name, festooned with giant signs that read “DON’T TELL ME TO BE QUIET” and carry her to a giant gilded throne from which she would rule the matriarchy we would establish in her honor for millennia to come.
Honestly, if I ever had a chance to fly multi-million-dollar military aircraft, all I would probably do is draw giant pictures of penises in the sky. I would seriously devote 10 or more years of my life to learning how to do that just so I could get up in the sky and doodle dick. I would draw them so much, people would start to think they were actual real cloud formations in the sky. My aviation career would last about five minutes.
“Rebecca, did you draw another picture of a dick in the sky? We warned you about this!”
“I know, I’m sorry; I promise this is the last one. It’s all out of my system now. I swear. No more.”
“OK, well this is your final warning.”
*Gets in plane, proceeds to immediately draw another sky penis*
“DAMMIT, REBECCA!”
Also, I’m not here to tell the military how to make their wars, but if I was a general I would pretty much just send planes in the skies over enemy troops to draw wangs.
Look, you’re the patriarchy. It’s OK to be a little performative about it sometimes. The No. 1 thing I would test pilots on is their ability to draw sky schlong. I’d critique them on their style and accuracy and hand out awards every year for “Best Sky Cock.” It would be a prestigious ceremony on par with the Academy Awards.
It also makes me wonder if they can draw other dirty parts of the body with planes. Can they draw boobs? Or butts? Maybe they should expand next time so people will see they have a truly diverse knowledge of human anatomy.
One of the other things I wondered was how much money it actually costs to paint a phallus in the sky. I did some lengthy research and discovered the costs for taxpayers to put a plane like that in the sky are about $40,000 an hour. (Editor’s Note: She absolutely did not do this. She Googled “sky dong $$$,” then got frustrated after 12 seconds and said she would just “make it up because no one fact checks this anyway, LOL.”)
The penis probably took about 30 minutes, give or take, I’m guessing. So for about the price of a brand new 2017 Kia Rio, you can instead have yourself a huge wang in the clouds. Compared to the trillions of dollars we’ve spent on things for the military like $5,000 toilet seats at the Pentagon and talking cyborg monkeys who drive tanks with their psychic powers, that seems like a legit bargain.
Rebecca Rose has an extensive fine art collection of her dong doodles. To see them, contact her at [email protected].
