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Santa Maria Sun / Humor

The following article was posted on October 25th, 2017, in the Santa Maria Sun - Volume 18, Issue 34 [ Submit a Story ]
The following articles were printed from Santa Maria Sun [santamariasun.com] - Volume 18, Issue 34

Quiz night

By ROB KRIDER


Local pubs have started hosting quiz nights. Patrons can show up, overpay for an IPA, and then test their IQs on hard-hitting world trivia, like when did MC Hammer release the hit single, “U Can’t Touch This”? For the record, it was 1990. Do you want to know how I remember this? It’s obvious, I’m clearly a genius when it comes to pop culture, and anyone would be lucky and honored to have me on their pub trivia team.

My wife does not share the same opinion about my quiz night prowess. She thinks I’m an idiot. It could be argued that she knows I’m an idiot. She has lived with me for more than two decades, so she sees that I’m wrong every single day. I put the dishes away in the wrong place. I put the groceries away in the wrong place. I put the dirty laundry in the wrong place (You mean laundry doesn’t go on the floor?). Because she spends most of her waking hours telling me I’m doing it wrong, she has zero confidence in my ability to know anything.

My wife has grossly underestimated me. Sure, I don’t know where dishes, groceries, or laundry goes, because I don’t care about those things. In fact, I have spent years convincing her I’m a worthless person around the house so she will do all the housework for me. This has worked flawlessly, and currently I’m not even allowed in the area of real estate at my house that is known as my own kitchen. But knowing where a colander goes (in the cabinet above the stove, second shelf) has nothing to do with knowing the titles of at least five songs on Nirvana’s album Nevermind (“Smells Like Teen Spirit,” “In Bloom,” “Come As You Are,” “Lithium,” “On A Plain”). Even though I’m not worth a damn around the house, I’m the guy you want at the bar when it’s time for trivia. To quote Tyrion Lannister from The Game of Thrones, “I drink and I know things. That is what I do.” I was also a DJ in college, so I know a lot about bands and am handy to have around for music trivia. Pick me!

Some new friends of ours (who don’t know us very well) invited my wife and I to a Geeks Who Drink event where teams of people compete via random trivia questions for pub domination. The winner of the event gets their entire bar tab paid for. On paper the whole thing seemed like a fun thing to do socially. However, these new friends of ours didn’t know my wife thinks I’m a nimrod. They also didn’t know that my wife and I are extremely competitive against each other and should NEVER be placed on the same team.

First thing first in pub trivia: Every team needs a name. That name should be clever and funny. Since I consider myself quite clever and funny, when the rest of my team wasn’t paying attention I wrote down the name: Team Sorry I Brought The Wife. My wife didn’t think it was funny and gave me a look of, “Really?” which was why I was apologizing to the group early. Other team names of mention were Team Quiz In My Pants and Team Better Late Than Pregnant. I was determined to beat those fools.

Team Sorry I Brought The Wife huddled around our table, sipping beers we were hoping not to have to pay for, eager to hear the first question. The first question was music related and an easy one. I was elated, because as I’ve stated before to anyone who will listen, I was a DJ in college. I immediately began to yell out the answer to my teammates. The only problem was, even though I clearly gave them the correct answer, nobody was acknowledging the fact that I had already provided the answer. They were still debating different wrong answers and nobody was writing my absolutely, no doubt in my mind, factual, correct answer. This annoyed me. I told them, “I know the band that released the 2006 album Stadium Arcadium because I was a DJ IN COLLEGE! It’s the Red Hot Chili Peppers! Pick up the pencil and write it down. I don’t want to lose to those nerds from Quiz In My Pants.”

Rule number one in Geeks Who Drink, you are not allowed to use your smartphone for the answers. It is a Google-free zone. Yes millennials, don’t bother showing up. For answers, you have to rely on your own memory or the memory of your teammates, maybe one teammate in particular who was a DJ in college and knows a lot about music trivia. After what felt like forever I heard my wife say, “I think it’s the Red Hot Chili Peppers.” The rest of the group nodded their heads and then they wrote it down. They wrote down the same answer I gave them three minutes before. The process was super annoying.

 The next few questions I had the answers to as well. After a while, the rest of Team Sorry I Brought The Wife started to trust me more and I earned their respect. Even if that respect didn’t come from my wife, whom I love. The next question was about the Middle East and I knew the answer. I told the team, “Write down Palestine. It’s Palestine.” My wife, who I was clearly outscoring, finally had it, “Don’t write that down, he doesn’t know anything about Palestine.”

“Uh, I know it’s the answer.”

“We live in the same house. If I don’t know it, then you don’t know it. Don’t write it down, he’s guessing.”

“I leave the house you know. I know stuff.”

“You don’t leave the house and go all the way to Palestine, so I seriously doubt you have the answer. Stop bullying the rest of the team.”

“I’m not bullying our team. I’m giving them the right answer. And it’s Palestine! Write it down!”

The answer was Jordan.

Official score: Rob’s team finished second to last and had a bar tab of $83.52. You can read more from Rob Krider or contact him at robkrider.com.




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