Monday, September 25, 2017     Volume: 18, Issue: 29
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Santa Maria Sun / Humor

The following article was posted on July 12th, 2017, in the Santa Maria Sun - Volume 18, Issue 19 [ Submit a Story ]
The following articles were printed from Santa Maria Sun [santamariasun.com] - Volume 18, Issue 19

In the wild

Rebecca shows how easy and liberating it is to delete that pesky Twitter

By REBECCA ROSE

Editor’s note: This excerpt is from a journal found by a team of archaeologists who happened to be eating at a table at Panda Express where it was left. The whereabouts of the author are still unknown.

Day 1: Well, I finally did it. I deleted my Twitter. That’s right, I finally said goodbye! I’m tired of wasting my time and being abused by weirdoes hiding under a Darth Vader avatar and calling themselves “Dr.ButtsTruthAvenger27” or whatever. All anyone does there is fight anyway. It’s so dumb. I can’t wait to live free from mindless circular arguments and people who are just stubbornly determined to be right no matter how much proof to the contrary there is.

Day 2: OK, I had to log on for a few minutes to grab email/phone numbers from people who follow me. We don’t need Twitter to stay in touch! We can communicate in “real life.” This is so exciting! Getting so real up in here without the need to constantly argue with people about meaningless things. I’m so above that now, here living in the real world.

Day 3: Uh-oh, when I logged on, I noticed someone saying Burger King’s chicken fries were “just sort of OK.” I’m just going on Twitter for a few minutes to talk about how wrong that is and how offended I am having seen that. It’s important to make a statement. You have to stand up for what’s right. Now I’m off to live free and experience real life out in the real world.

Day 4: I’m just going to log on to see if there are any replies to my reply to the last person who replied to me about how the chicken fries were a subpar product compared to Wendy’s nuggets. That’s just absurd. How do people get like this? Who raised them?

Day 5: My tweet was quote retweeted by Chrissy Teigen, so I’m just going to hop on Twitter for a few minutes to clarify to her what my original intent was and then explain to her how she’s clearly not understanding these key aspects of the science of chicken fries. Wow, it feels so good to disconnect!

Day 6: OK wow, my response tweet made it onto a Buzzfeed Twitter roundup about chicken tenders. Let me just explain to all 1,250 of my new followers who came to argue with me that I actually deleted my Twitter and I’m taking a social media break. Also, someone in the comments called me “duplicitous” in my interpretation of the best dipping sauces for chicken strips. I should screen cap it and tell people what a clown he is.

Day 7: Someone who works at The Atlantic screen capped my tweet and said I was “grossly misinformed” about fried chicken strips in general. I have to find the original article I quoted and send them a link to point out how wrong he is. But I can’t spend too much time writing some concise comeback so I’ll just post a Spongebob gif and call him a turd.

Day 8: This person in front of me in the line at Starbucks just said she didn’t know what the big deal is about Burger King’s chicken fries. Obviously, she hasn’t been educated on the value of a simple chicken side dish that is easily dippable and retains good handfeel throughout the entire dining experience. I have a meme that perfectly explains in one simple graph why I’m correct about the superiority of Burger King’s chicken fries. I just have to find it for her on my Twitter. This will just take a second and does totally not count against my break from social media.

Day 9: OK, that person at Starbucks and 10 of her followers shared the meme. One of her followers said you can’t believe everything you read online so I’m just going to find the link to the actual report on Burger King’s website and show her how wrong she is and then I’m going to log off for forever. Taking a break from Twitter is so weird; it really does feel like I’m missing an appendage or something!

Day 10: That guy just shared my meme with his 2 million followers and my mentions are filled with people calling me a boob. They are completely missing a crucial point early on about the nature of good chicken-themed sides. I’m just going to reply to each one of them and show them the original link, which clearly shows how correct I am. Thank goodness I took a social media break, otherwise all these morons would drive me totally over the edge

Day 11: People cannot be this stupid. I’ve been on Twitter for four hours trying to explain why I’m taking my Twitter break and they still do not understand the basic core fact I’m trying to get through to them. What is so hard to understand about how Burger King’s chicken fries actually do have the perfect breading-to-meat ratio? I’ve seen the documents, people! I know what I’m talking about. I’m going to reply to everyone with an eyeroll gif because like I said I’m on a social media break and I’m just done.

Day 12: NO JERKS, I’M BLOCKING AND REPORTING ALL OF YOU. HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?

Day 13: I can’t remember why I logged on. It’s so dark in here. I’m feeling cold. Someone at Daily Dot wrote about how Burger King’s chicken fries are not selling as well as the new KFC chicken tenders. The media is so misleading. I’m going to write a long-threaded tweetstorm about how this type of clickbait nonsense is leading the fall of decent society—wait. How did I get here? What’s going on? Help!

Day 14: Retweet if you love Burger King’s chicken fries! Fave if you wish to see the souls of everyone who disagrees with me twisting in an eternal fire, forged by the black hatred of those who dared to say they don’t like to dip them in zesty Buffalo ranch sauce! This Twitter break has been good for me, so good for me. Things are fine. Just fine.

Day 15: Maybe I should stay out of chicken Twitter and just focus on something a lot less controversial and heated, like politics.

Day 16: Since I’m on a Twitter break, I can spend more time going outside and experience the wonder and beauty of the real world. I think I’ll go to Burger King and live-tweet my experience eating their chicken fries and making fun of everyone else on Twitter who doesn’t like them.

Day 17: I am now officially banned from Burger King. Apparently while I was there, I climbed on the counter and started screaming that “corporate chicken tender has taken over Twitter and filled it with bots tweeting anti-chicken fries rhetoric to brainwash the public and turn them against chicken fries!” The police said I refused to come down until I was given more ranch dressing.

Day ??: I am a vessel of bleak despair. Twitter has permanently suspended my account. I have successfully broken from free Twitter. I am free. Free as a chicken fry, swimming in delicious ranch sauce. Now, if only there were a way to go online and concisely explain in less than 140 characters how important this Twitter break has been for me.

If you see Rebecca Rose wandering aimless through the streets whispering “hashtag truth,” please do not approach her. Contact her at rrose@santamariasun.com.




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Jim Mosby
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