I am very disturbed by the rash of alarmist conspiracy theories the general public seems to latch onto with a fevered irrationality that leads to mass panic, hysteria, and a bunch of memes that your mom will post three months later on Facebook. Flat earthers, chemtrail truthers, lizard people, moon landing hoaxers—it’s astounding what people these days will believe.
It’s also embarrassing because none of you actually know the real lies our government and corporations have sold us over the last few decades. I’m here to finally to expose the real truth behind some of the biggest cover-ups in our world’s history. I have used true facts, historical research, and legit science to verify these scandalous conspiracies.
First, the long-standing Prego vs. Ragu rivalry is in actuality an ancient battle for human souls, one that’s been raging for thousands of years. It all started 6,546 years ago, when Prego beat Ragu in a blind taste test. Then, Ragu said more home cooks preferred serving Ragu over Prego to their families. Prego summoned a jikininki to destroy them all, and Ragu called forth the dark soul of Cthulhu to rend their existence from this mortal coil. So then Prego said their sauce has twice the fresh chunky vegetables as Ragu. To this day, the battle rages on.
All toilet paper is made from recycled cursed mummy bandages. What people don’t know is when they started digging up the pyramids, they didn’t just find a few mummies, they literally found millions of them, just stacked up in the pyramid basements. These were not cursed mummies though, they were just expired hams wrapped up and thrown away. Egyptians pretty much wrapped anything in old bandages, cursed or not.
Stonehenge was built by bees. I think this one is pretty obvious and doesn’t need any explanation.
If you play the soundtrack to the 1986 film My Chauffeur backwards, you hear a secret message that is actually a reading of Vanna White’s autobiography Vanna Speaks. I believe it is a reading from White herself, but I have not confirmed that fact to be 100 percent true.
A secret group of staunchly Libertarian hedgehogs invented the flat tax rate. It’s been previously reported that it’s a cabal of armadillos, but that’s just fake news—it’s hedgehogs.
Every single person you know named Tim is actually the same person. Think about it. Have you ever been in a room with two people named Tim? No, you haven’t. Only one person in the entire world is allowed to be named Tim, and he was chosen by successfully defeating a drunk water buffalo in a wrestling match, so at least you know he earned it.
The country of Australia is secretly run by actor Russell Crowe. He overthrew the government in a secret coup during a showing of his hit film Body of Lies. His official title is Boy King of Australia, and he rules with an iron fist. Their entire Australian economy is Russell Crowe-based. Instead of paying $3 for a gallon of milk, people Down Under must list seven of their favorite Russell Crowe films. Also, their currency is now called “Russell Crowe bucks.”
The missing plane, Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, is actually at the Taco Taco Hut in Reno. They have it in their freezer but are keeping it because Roy, who works the sour cream machine, thinks “it’s pretty neat.”
Food Network star and celebrity chef Giada De Laurentiis is actually a mason jar filled with eels. The eels are funded by George Soros.
Everyone mistakenly believes the so-called Trilateral Commission controls everything as part of a secret cabal to manipulate government machinations and foreign currency markets. That is completely absurd and wrong. The entity that really secretly controls and manipulates the world is George and Fran Gordon, of 218 Maple Lane in Waukegan, Ill. They moved there in 1986 when George got sick of the rat race in Kenosha and also because Fran wanted to move to a simple, quiet neighborhood where they could focus on their garden and operate a shadow government that aims to create a new world order and strip away personal liberties of global citizens through means of price gouging and orchestrated national disasters. Also, Fran plans to start a quilting circle.
John F. Kennedy was actually killed by a lion. The Zapruder footage is very grainy, which is why it just looks like a sniper. Lee Harvey Oswald was a patsy. He was a big cat trainer in a circus down in Havana in the late ’50s. Now, on the surface, these lions were Communist, through and through, pure Castro supporters. But in reality, the cats were part of an anti-Castro paramilitary group. They got their money from the mob—the Japanese mob. Yes, the Yakuza funded the planning for JFK’s assassination. But they weren’t the only ones in on it. The lions were too smart for that. They were also secretly working as double triple agents. And who was providing them with the means for this elaborate cover? Alien space invaders from Mars. See, Martians did not want people discovering that the moon was where they secretly mined for cheese. Yeah, we were right. The moon was made of cheese, and the Martians didn’t want to give up their precious dairy mine. Kennedy got too close when he promised he would put a man on the moon. Martians couldn’t have that. Their entire economy is all moon-cheese based. So they used some of their sweet moon cheese money to get rid of their problem, they framed some poor ex-animal trainer, and installed a puppet government, friendly to their pro-Martian moon cheese ideals. That puppet government has lasted to this very day. Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush, Clinton, Bush Jr., and even Obama all protected the great Martian cheese mine in the sky. Follow the money, you’ll find the truth.
Those are about it, the only actual conspiracies. I just hope the next time someone comes up to babbling about how the government faked the moon landing because they want to our economy to be entirely moon-cheese based, you’re empowered enough to set them straight. Besides, the moon isn’t made of cheese. Duh. It’s made of socks that are lost in the dryer, which the government pays the dryer industry 50 cents apiece for.
Rebecca Rose is both the No. 1 and No. 2 funniest newspaper column writer in all of American journalism and the known universe, perhaps even into the great black void of nothingness beyond. Contact her at [email protected].
