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Santa Maria Sun / Humor

The following article was posted on June 7th, 2017, in the Santa Maria Sun - Volume 18, Issue 14 [ Submit a Story ]
The following articles were printed from Santa Maria Sun [santamariasun.com] - Volume 18, Issue 14

humor

By ROB KRIDER

Shamefully, I’ll admit it. I’m on roids. No, not steroids. I don’t have arms that look like legs or currently hold a MLB home run record. When I say I’m on roids, I mean I am literally on roids, like I am sitting on a hemorrhoid right this second.

I have no formal training on how to officially diagnose the pain in my ass that is a hemorrhoid. I do, however, have access to Google, which means I have all of the knowledge of any medical professional, without the student loans. According to Google, a hemorrhoid is an abnormally enlarged vein, mainly due to a persistent increase in venous pressure occurring outside the anal sphincter and beneath the surface of the anal skin. Gross. I don’t understand all of those technical terms, but I can tell you that I have a huge itchy bulbous bleeding nub on my butt that hurts. I didn’t think I was old enough to have hemorrhoids. I didn’t want to have to carry around a donut to sit on. I was in denial.

Due to basic anatomy, I couldn’t actually look at my butt to confirm if I had a hemorrhoid. I tried bending over in the bathroom, spreading my cheeks and looking back at a mirror, but I couldn’t discern anything from that distance and the bathroom counter was in the way. Google told me to use an inspection mirror. I have a lot of gadgets in the garage, but a butthole inspection mirror is actually not in the top drawer of my toolbox. Then I realized I could take a picture of it with my phone. So I got naked, spread out on the floor, rolled up on by back, put my legs in the air and tried to balance while taking a selfie of my self.

Let me tell you folks, this is not an easy task. Balancing and trying to click the button on my phone while getting the flash to work (it’s dark down there) and the perfect shot of this possible hemorrhoid was a challenge. What I saw wasn’t pleasant. First, I had to get over the fact that in reality it was the first time in my life I have ever seen my anus. It turns out, there is no real reason to look at it; it is an awful place. Second, I learned that a close-up picture of your butt with a 12-megapixel camera has incredible detail that nobody really needs to ever view. It turns out my butt is the most disgusting place on earth, and it clearly had a hemorrhoid on it.

I was so caught up in the medical emergency that is my hemorrhoid that I failed to delete the seventeen close-up pictures of my brown eye on my phone. It never occurred to me that the next time I was in front of other human beings and I had my phone out somebody could ask, “I heard you moved into a new house, do you have any pictures?” The moment I started to scroll through my phone to show a proud picture of the front of my new home, I would scroll right through a bunch of butt shots first. “Uh, don’t mind those pictures, we, uh, we are digging some holes in the backyard. Really muddy back there.”

Around 3 o’clock in the morning, my hemorrhoid really started to interfere with my life. If felt like I was growing a tail back there. I went back to Doctor Google to find a remedy. It said I needed hemorrhoid ointment and some baby wipes. I slipped out of the house, jumped into the car, and searched for a 24-hour drug store. Unfortunately, nobody was open. Finally, I found the only place that was available, 7-Eleven. I waddled in there and looked through the small medicine area of shelves. Sure enough, they had hemorrhoid ointment and some baby wipes. I grabbed what I needed and walked to the counter. I was the only one in the 7-Eleven except the graveyard cashier. This was a guy who was pretty bored at work and desperately wanted to have a conversation to pass the time. As I approached the counter I suddenly realized what I was about to hand him to ring me up. There was no denying what was occurring in my life at that moment. I have a huge annoying hemorrhoid on my butt, so big and awful that I am purchasing hemorrhoid ointment from 7-Eleven at 3 o’clock in the morning. I really didn’t want to go through any small talk with this guy. I just wanted to shamefully buy my butt cream and go home to get some relief.

“How’s it going tonight?”

“Uh, OK. And yourself?”

“Can’t complain, another day, another dollar.”

“Yup.”

“Can I get you anything else?”

“Um, no I think I have everything I need tonight.”

“Alright, take care now.”

“Um, OK. I’ll take care.”

What could I possibly say? “Thanks a lot, I’m going to go home now and stick my finger in my ass. Goodnight!”

When I came home, in a hurry to get this cream between my cheeks, I slammed the door and woke up my wife. In an attempt to retain any sense of pride or decency I had not told her anything about my hemorrhoid of shame. She got out of bed, obviously concerned why I was out in the middle of the night. That was when my wife, whom I love, asked me point blank, “Where were you? Are you having an affair?”

“No, Baby. I’m certainly not having an affair. I … was at 7-Eleven.”

“You bought a lottery ticket at 3 a.m.?”

“Not exactly.”

“Let me see your phone! Are you with someone else?”

I handed her my phone.

“Well, there is someone getting between us, Honey. If you want to see her, go to my gallery. Her name is Bertha. She’s an enormous hemorrhoid on my ass. I wasn’t at 7-Eleven buying condoms to have an affair. I was actually buying hemorrhoid ointment.”

Looking at my phone she exclaimed, “Oh my God! You took a picture of it!”

“It seemed reasonable at the time. I’m sorry you had to see that, Baby. But I just wanted you to know, I’m clearly not having sex with someone else, or probably you ever again after you saw that photo. I’m sorry ... I have hemorrhoids.”

Rob’s butt itches. You can read more from Rob Krider or contact him at robkrider.com.




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